


i know i can't take it no more

by mainvocalrocky (infinityxu)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Poisoning, Sick Character, boys crying, more tags to be added later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-01-30 12:02:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 81,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21427906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinityxu/pseuds/mainvocalrocky
Summary: It was times like this that terrified Seungcheol the most - he valued the wellbeing of the kids over anything else in his life, they were his world and he would do anything to protect them - but when he was helpless to it, his whole world started to fall apart.aka: Minghao is poisoned at a music show, and Seungcheol isn't equipped to handle it.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups & Xu Ming Hao | The8, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, Kim Mingyu/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Comments: 128
Kudos: 638





	1. someone tell me what should i do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my excuse for this is the latest title track having the word poison in it, lol,  
i'm so sorry (':
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect.  
it's just fiction!

One, two...six, seven...nine, ten...twelve. There were only twelve of them. He double-checked, made sure he included himself and reached that number again.

Seungcheol didn’t like the number twelve. It always made his heart drop, no matter the situation, even if it had nothing to do with the number of members in his group. It always meant someone was missing - it didn’t matter if it meant someone was at another schedule, if someone was home and sick, or if someone was just plain missing - it was never something that he liked. 

Minghao was the kid he didn’t see. Minghao wasn’t usually the type to go missing. He didn’t like to be alone, especially when they weren’t at the dorm. It was already setting off alarms in Seungcheol’s head. Alarms that he had to make sure he kept to himself, or else he’d scare the kids.

He approached Mingyu, who was downing his water while listening to some deep conversation from Wonwoo. Seungcheol had to pull on his sleeve to get his attention. “Have you seen Minghao?” he asked, trying to sound as casual as possible. He didn’t want to alert either of them.

“Oh, I saw him go back to the changing room,” Mingyu answered, and Seungcheol just went ‘ _ ahh _ ’ to avoid any suspicion, before smiling as a thank you and turning around to head in that direction.

They were finished performing for the day. They had just gotten off stage, had their water handed out to them, and they just waited for the final recording to make sure everything was good to go. There wasn’t any reason for Minghao to go back to the changing room, because none of the staff was there, he was pretty sure. It was possible, but the alarms didn’t stop ringing, and Seungcheol had to follow his instinct. Unfortunately, he tended to be right when it was something bad.

He found the door and opened it without a second of hesitation.

“Minghao?” he started, spotting his figure by the side of the room with the mirrors before he closed the door behind him.

Mingha was the only one there, just as Seungcheol had suspected. No makeup artists, no hairstylists, none of the staff. Minghao was halfway leaned against one of the tables, not making any effort to correct himself in any way when Seungcheol walked in - that was a big red flag. He didn’t look well. Actually, it looked like he was in a lot of pain - his whole posture was tense, and his face was contorted with discomfort.

“What’s going on?” Seungcheol asked him, trying to keep his voice steady as he wandered over, making sure the door was closed. Minghao had come in here for a reason, he didn’t want to be seen. The hand he used to support himself was shaking horribly, and his breaths were labored and shaky, too. “Minghao, do you need me to get someone? Are you okay?” Seungcheol’s hands hovered over him, although he wasn’t sure why. He didn’t know what was going on. It kind of looked like a panic attack, but that didn’t make any sense. He seemed fine before, and it was easy to tell when Minghao would fall into something like that - there were signs. Either Seungcheol didn’t notice them this time, or this was something entirely different. 

Seungcheol was no stranger to these kinds of situations, but that didn't make this any less scary.

“I don’…” he murmured, losing his footing for a second. Seungcheol finally held onto his arm to keep his steady. He felt Minghao try to pull away at first, but then lean in. “Some’ings’wrong.”

Before Seungcheol could comprehend the too-quiet words that Minghao spoke, he watched the kid nearly lift his hand from the table like he wanted to stop using the table for support, but just before he could, his knees seemed to buckle underneath him, bringing him down to collapse to the floor. He was glad he’d had his hands out to catch him.

Seungcheol sank to the floor with him, feeling him shake even worse than before. Seungcheol’s heart pounded against his ribcage. “Minghao - ” Seungcheol chewed on his lip. He had no idea what to say. Clearly he wasn’t okay, clearly he was unwell, but he didn’t know why, and he had a feeling that Minghao didn’t either.

Minghao wasn’t unconscious, thank god - it seemed like he was trying to force himself to stand again, using Seungcheol as leverage, but it was far too late for that to make any sense. Seungcheol could feel him shaking in his grip, but he wasn’t saying anything.

Seungcheol was trying to force his brain into leader mode, but part of him just wanted to break down and cry. He was begging that someone would come in and see what was going on, but of course, no one was around. Seungcheol didn’t want to leave him alone. But he didn’t know how serious this was, he couldn’t wait for someone to just stumble across the room and see.

“Let’s get you to the couch. Can you stand?” Seungcheol asked him, only realizing how much his skin was burning when his own skin touched it.

“N - no, I…” he mumbled, shifting a little, his mouth suddenly shut, and before Seungcheol could register what was going on, Minghao vomited in between his knees.

Seungcheol noticed the blood before he could even fully register what happened.

Minghao’s breaths sounded worse somehow, like it was suddenly painful for him to breathe - clearly, he was panicking now. His lips were parted slightly, telling that that wasn’t the end of it. Something was  _ very  _ wrong.

“‘ere was - ‘n the wa’er, som’ne...” he murmured, pausing in between to breathe or whimper. Seungcheol was waiting for him to finish what he wanted to say, but he realized that he may not be able to. He was in a  _ lot  _ of pain, Seungcheol was starting to realize, but he didn’t know why. He didn’t know what Minghao was trying to say.

“Come on, to the couch,” Seungcheol’s words were quick but calm as he tried to lift Minghao off of the ground because clearly Minghao didn’t have the strength to do that on his own. Seungcheol held him up the best he could, and Minghao really was trying to walk, but it was like watching a deer try to walk across ice. He couldn’t manage it at all.

Minghao slumped into the couch as soon as they got to it. Seungcheol tried to lay him down properly so he was lying on his back, but Minghao was trying to curl into himself, as if that was helping his pain, somehow. 

“I’m gonna go find someone from the medical staff. Stay here, okay?” Seungcheol didn’t know why he added the last part, Minghao wasn’t in any condition to voluntarily be going anywhere. “I’ll be right back.”

Seungcheol was very hesitant to leave him alone, even if it was just for a few seconds, but he had to. Waiting could be dangerous.

He stepped out of the hallway and was beyond relieved to find Joshua already heading towards the room, a brow raised when his gaze met Seungcheol’s. He looked worried. He could definitely tell that something was going on, and he was glad he’d had that inclination.

“Get one of the medic staff,” he told him as soon as they made eye contact, quietly, not wanting anyone to overhear - even though the hallway is empty. The last thing he wanted to do was freak everyone out. “And a manager. Hurry, please. Something’s wrong with Minghao.”

“What-? What happened? He seemed fine before, what are you - ” Joshua started, but realized halfway through his sentence that he shouldn’t be wasting time. “Okay. I’ll - I’ll be right back,” he murmured hesitantly before turning back and running, disappearing as he turned down the hall.

Seungcheol closed the door again, turning back to see Minghao nearly writhing in pain on the couch.

"It's okay, Joshua's getting someone. You'll be okay," Seungcheol told him just as he made it back to his side, squeezing his hand. He was already looking a lot worse than before - Seungcheol could feel his skin burning, could see the sweat collecting in beads at his hairline as a result. 

"Hurts," he mumbled, turning on his side curling into himself a little tighter. Seungcheol noticed the drool that collected at the edge of his mouth and spilling over onto the couch. That couldn’t be a good sign either - he didn’t know if it was because he was feeling sick, or because he was in too much pain to swallow spit - for all he knew, it could be both or none. He certainly looked like he was having trouble breathing in general, with how quick and shallow his breaths were. But that could just be anxiety.

Seungcheol felt like his brain might explode. He really had no clue what could be wrong. He was completely useless here.

“You’re okay,” Seungcheol cooed as he pushed the sweat-dampened hair out of Minghao’s fevered eyes. Seungcheol had to use everything in his power not to burst into tears. He had to stay calm. He’d learned that skill well over the years, but he had never been in a situation quite like this one before. It was hard. Really hard, especially when he didn’t know how to help here.

The door finally opened and a handful of people rushed in - two unfamiliar staff that Seungcheol guessed were part of the building’s onsite medical team, a familiar manager, and Joshua, whose wide-eyed stare met Seungcheol’s as soon as his eyes found him. Joshua walked forward, reluctantly, trading places with their manager, who now guarded the door.

The medics nearly pushed Seungcheol out of the way - he gave them their space, of course, but there was no way he was leaving Minghao’s side. The two of them lifted Minghao off of the couch and placed him on one of the floor mats. Seungcheol expected him to protest - he never liked sleeping on those during their breaks - but he didn’t do a thing.

They were checking all the basics, it looked like - temperature, blood pressure, breathing, pulse - none of which seemed to get content responses from them.

“What happened?” one asked Seungcheol as he squeezed his way back in between them to be by his side again.

“I - I don’t know. I couldn’t understand what he was saying,” Seungcheol murmured, taking Minghao’s hand again, and squeezing it as tight as he could without hurting him. He was looking worse by the minute. “He was completely fine before, though - this...this just happened, right after we finished our stage. He wasn’t out with the rest of us and I found him in here,” he murmured, feeling his voice start to get shaky. He felt a hand on his shoulder, which startled him until he turned to see it was Joshua - who looked the most worried he’d ever seen him look. “He, um - he threw up, before. There was blood.”

The medic was starting to look worried, too.

“Did you see anything?” Seungcheol mumbled as he turned to face Joshua again. “Did he...he was fine, wasn’t he? I’m not imagining that, right? You’re always good was figuring out when something’s wrong with one of the kids...was he okay? I just didn’t notice?”

“He seemed fine, Cheol. I didn’t notice anything different from him. He looked perfectly normal,” Joshua said softly in response, glancing down at Minghao for a few seconds before he forced his eyes up again as if he didn’t want to see. He was shaking, he realized.

“Do the kids know?” Seungcheol asked him, trying to divert the topic a little.

“The manager’s keeping them out,” Joshua mumbled. Seungcheol wanted to cry.

He was hoping, praying that the medics would just tell him he needed rest and that they could take Minghao home. He didn’t know what he would do if it was anything worse than that. And this seemed  _ really  _ bad.

And of course, as soon as the thought of hospitalization crossed his mind, one of the women from the medical staff was on the phone with someone, all of a sudden.

“Okay. As soon as possible. Thank you,” was all Seungcheol caught before she hung up. Before Seungcheol could even think about asking what as going on, she turned to him. “This looks like some sort of poisoning. The ambulance is on the way, they’ll be here soon,” the staff member told him. Seungcheol’s head spun probably nine times as soon as he heard that. Some sort of  _ what? _

“When was the last time he had something to eat? Or drink?” The closer medic asked, eyeing the other side of the room like she was looking for something.

“They passed out drinks when we finished recording…” Joshua murmured.

Seungcheol’s head wouldn’t quit spinning. The water bottle on the counter. Seungcheol nearly lunged for it, but one of the staff shouted  _ 'don't!'  _ before he had the chance to touch it. "You don't know what's in there. It could be just as bad in your lungs or on your hands."

Seungcheol just stared at it. It was closed, but a small amount was missing from it - probably what Minghao had swallowed. He took it with him when he came to their backstage room - he knew that something wasn’t right, even if it just looked like normal water.

But it acted so  _ quickly.  _ They only finished their recording about ten minutes ago. If this really was poison like they said, it was something really bad.

He turned as soon as he heard gagging from that side of the room, and Minghao was throwing up again. Seungcheol felt his stomach turn, but this was good, right? That meant he was getting the poison out of his system, right? Was that really a thing, would it work? Would it help him?

There was still blood. A lot more than there was last time, a lot more than he’d ever seen come out of a person in that way.

Seungcheol’s head was throbbing. What would he have done if he couldn’t get help for him? He was watering this all down to a panic attack when it was so, so far from that. He would have never in a hundred years guessed that Minghao was poisoned, and probably by the time that would have occurred to him, Minghao would have already been -

No. No, he wasn’t going that far.

Seungcheol was at his side again as he held onto him tightly, his heart pounding in his chest with how worried he was. He hated what he was feeling. He hated what he was seeing. He hated what he was hearing.

Minghao wasn't able to hold his own head up at this point, let alone keep his eyes open and focused. Seungcheol could see how hard he was trying to do that, to look  _ presentable _ , but at some point, Seungcheol told him to stop - no one was watching, no one that he needed to put on a show for, he didn't need to pretend to be fine for anyone. This was serious. This wasn't something he could brush off, and Minghao should have known that, he was the one feeling all of it.

"The ambulance is here,” their manager said, Seungcheol could nearly feel the stress in his tone.

The kids had to know what was going on at this point. Seungcheol had to tell them, even if it was the last thing he wanted to do. He couldn’t just...not say anything, he knew that.

They brought in a stretcher and managed to place Minghao there pretty quickly, without Seungcheol’s help, even though he offered, even though his hands hovered the whole time as if he feared his dongsaeng would fall. Seungcheol had expected him to protest - Minghao didn’t like hospitals, he took very good care of his health to avoid going there, to avoid doctors in general. But Minghao didn’t move at all. He was nearly limp when they lifted him up, like he didn’t have an ounce of energy left in him.

His eyes never left Seungcheol’s, though, and when they started to take him away, he saw them widen with panic.

"I’m coming with you, okay? I just have to go tell the kids what’s going on. But I’m coming with you,” Seungcheol promised him softly, squeezing his hand again as he met his eyes. The paramedics stopped for him, just for a moment. The fear in his eyes was almost overshadowed by the exhaustion now, he realized - it broke Seungcheol’s heart, seeing him like that. "I love you. You're gonna be okay," Seungcheol told him just as the paramedics whisked the stretcher out of the room.

He heard the kids yelling as soon as the stretcher entered the hallway, Joshua had started crying, Seungcheol saw him cover his mouth with his hands, hardly able to look out the doorway, and Seungcheol was nearing a panic attack. He had no idea what he was supposed to do. He was scared out of his mind, but he couldn’t imagine how the kids were feeling.

When he stepped out, he saw the kids gathered further down the hallway, opposite from where they had taken Minghao - they had already taken him outside. A paramedic was speaking to them - Seungcheol guessed they were worried about the others ingesting the same thing, but Seungcheol counted all of them there, and they all looked fine. He had to sigh in relief.

“Seungcheol, they don’t have room in the ambulance to take you, but we can follow behind and meet him there,” the manager told him after coming back in from the building’s exit. Seungcheol’s eyes widened again - he’d told Minghao he was coming - “it’s okay, I told him we’ll meet him there. The paramedics will take good care of them.”

“Hyung!”

Seungcheol’s heart dropped when he heard that - it was Seungkwan, running down the hall towards him - he was already crying, Seungcheol couldn’t bear to look at him. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t comfort all of them, he could hardly handle it himself.

But he had to. He was their leader. They depended on him.

Seungkwan stopped in front of him, almost flinching when Joshua’s sob echoed through the hallway - Jeonghan followed Seungkwan at that point, running past Seungcheol to get to Joshua, who was leaning on the doorway, his hands over his face. Jeonghan held onto him, but his eyes were glued to Seungcheol’s, begging him for answers.

When he turned back to where Seungkwan was, the whole group was behind him, with the paramedic walked past, bowing his head to Seungcheol before disappearing with their manager outside.

It was just him now. They were all silent, aside from Joshua’s sobs coming from behind him. He had to say something.

Seeing the way all eleven of them looked at him nearly had him breaking down. The tears already forming in a few pairs of eyes - Mingyu, Seokmin, Junhui even Soonyoung - Seungcheol couldn't handle it.

"Hyung..." Seunglwan murmured, his eyes so wide Seungcheol could almost see himself in them.

“They - they think someone put something in Minghao’s water,” Seungcheol finally said, the words feeling horrible in his mouth, his voice soft but loud enough for them to hear. He swallowed, trying to pull himself together. “So please, no one drink or eat anything from here. Just - be careful. We don’t know why or how or who or - or anything,” Seungcheol told them, struggling to keep his voice calm, and he knew that could be heard.

"Is - is he gonna be okay, hyung?" Seungcheol heard Seokmin ask as he stepped forward, his voice incredibly small.

Seungcheol didn't know. He couldn't promise anything and he couldn't even give them any hope. He didn't even want to look at Seokmin.

"He's gonna be fine. Worrying isn't going to help him, or anyone," Jihoon interjected as he stepped out from the group, turning so he was facing them, and while Seungcheol didn't think that was the best choice of words for this situation, especially towards Seokmin, but he was glad he said something. "Start getting your things and get to the cars. Cheol's going with Minghao."

"But - "

"No one else is going," Jihoon said so quickly that Seungcheol wasn't even able to tell which of the boys had tried to argue. "Now go get ready to leave."

A few of them hesitated, but eventually, the group left - Jeonghan following behind them with Joshua in his arm.

Seungcheol felt his head start to throb, nearly muffling the sounds around him - that usually happened when he was about to pass out, and he made sure to lean against the wall in case that’s what was about to happen. He saw Jihoon eye him suspiciously, but Seungcheol didn’t want to make this about him. "I - you'll take care of them, right? Don't let anything happen to them, please -"

Jihoon didn't say anything - he just stepped forward, squeezed his hand and nodded, and despite everything, that lifted a heavy weight from Seungcheol's shoulders. He knew they were in good hands, he could trust Jihoon, he knew that.

“Go, the manager’s waiting for you. Minghao is too,” Jihoon told him, patting his arm before giving him a nod.

Seungcheol nodded back at him, and without a second thought, he pulled Jihoon into a hug. “Thank you, Jihoonie…” he told him, his eyes stinging as he felt the tears start to build again.

Seungcheol’s tears finally spilled when he left the building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ending feels like the ending of a really overdramatic hospital drama episode lol i'm sorry  
hope you enjoyed? owo let me know! comments motivate me to continue~


	2. before the poison starts to spread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol could feel himself falling, but he couldn't find anything to hold onto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wohoooo another chapter  
a lot of this is kind of therapeutic to write
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect.  
it's just fiction! <3

It was selfish for Seungcheol to be so focused on how scared he was himself when Minghao was the one suffering. Minghao was the one who was so sick he couldn't hold his own head up, he was the one who would lie in the hospital bed.

But god, he couldn’t stop shaking. It was horrible, feeling so unstable that he couldn’t even keep still. He waited in one of the waiting room chairs - he had no idea how long he’d been there, his head hurt too much to focus on enough to tell the time, and he was too scared to open his phone.

The manager had been either speaking with the hospital staff the whole time, or on the phone with the company, or god knows who else. Seungcheol offered to help him with the phone calls, but he declined, telling Seungcheol to relax while he could. Maybe it was obvious that Seungcheol wasn’t equipped to handle this.

Sometimes he doubted his ability to lead.

Minghao was undergoing an emergency procedure to repair his esophagus before it got too bad, that’s what they had told him. They said they were running tests to find out what he had ingested, and that they would update him once the tests came back - they would update him whenever they got any information, but he hadn’t heard from them since Minghao was taken into surgery.

Seungcheol hadn’t even seen Minghao himself since the paramedics took him away in the stretcher, and it was tearing him apart.

He heard a phone start to ring. He didn’t pay much attention to it until he realized that it wasn’t stopping, until he realized it was coming from the phone in his pocket.

He scrambling to get it out of his pocket, picking up without even checking the caller ID for fear of annoying the other people waiting any longer.

“H - hello?” Seungcheol murmured, getting out of his chair, turning towards the exit as he passed his manager Jeon, who didn’t seem to notice Seungcheol walking by.

“_ Cheol? Sorry, is this a bad time? _ ” It was Jihoon’s voice, Seungcheol realized, as he walked through the hospital doors to stand outside. He took a breath, the fresh air feeling good in his lungs - it was cold outside, but Seungcheol had far too much to worry about to care about the temperature. “ _ Cheol? _”

“Sorry, sorry,” Seungcheol sighed, taking a seat on one of the benches outside. He was zoning out, he knew that, but he couldn’t really stop. He couldn’t get the image of Minghao in that much pain out of his head, how was he supposed to focus on anything?

This was Seungcheol's fault.

“_ Seungcheol? If this is a bad time, I’ll call back later- _”

“No, no - I’m sorry, Jihoonie. I’m just...scattered,” Seungcheol sighed, leaning back into the cold, metal bench.

“_ Don’t apologize, _ ” Jihoon told him, and Seungcheol nodded, even though Jihoon wouldn’t be able to see that. " _ How is he? _"

Seungcheol swallowed, wondering if Jihoon was alone, or if the whole group was listening in on the conversation. He didn’t expect Jihoon to let that happen, usually. Either way, he couldn’t give his thoughts - thoughts could give false hope, or scare them. He would just tell him the concrete stuff. "I don't know," he murmured, holding his head in his free hand.

"_ Like...not at all? _" Jihoon mumbled, his voice sounding a little shaky. It was rare Seungcheol heard that from him.

"They took him into emergency surgery to fix his esophagus," Seungcheol said softly, “the tests haven’t come back and I haven’t heard any updates.”

He heard Jihoon curse under his breath, and Seungcheol nodded again. He felt the same way.

“How are the kids?” Seungcheol decided to ask as a semi-distraction, even if he knew it would worry him more.

“_ Seungcheol, We have everything under control here. Don’t worry about them, _” Jihoon told him with a sigh, but he should know by now that his answer wouldn’t suffice.

“You can’t just tell me not to worry about them, Jihoon,” Seungcheol murmured softly.

Jihoon paused for a moment before sighing again. "_ It’s...they’re all scared, it’s hard on them. Seungkwan’s been working himself up with what people are spreading online. Mingyu hasn't stopped crying since we left, _ " Jihoon murmured, and Seungcheol heard a tiny whisper after he finished, “ _ Junnie’s saying it’s a panic attack, actually. But, Minghao has this calming medicine in his room that Junnie’s used before, he gave it to Mingyu. Hopefully it helps him. _”

Seungcheol’s heart broke, having a hard time imagining Mingyu have a panic attack. It had happened before, but very rarely - even so, seeing Mingyu cry at all was something Seungcheol’s heart couldn’t handle. But he was so thankful they were looking after room.

“You’re taking good care of everyone, Junnie?” Seungcheol asked, a tiny smile forming on his lips. He figured Junhui was listening by speakerphone.

“_ I’m trying, _” he heard Junhui answer, his voice small.

“_ He always does, _” Jihoon agreed.

Seungcheol couldn’t understand how Junhui was going out of his way to make sure the others were okay when he must have been having a really hard time, too. Minghao was one of his best friends, after all - his only Chinese friend in the group. But Junhui always did that. He always put himself absolutely last, no matter the situation, if it meant helping others.

“_ Soonyoung took a few of them to practice. The ones we know that can...get distracted easier, I guess, _ ” Jihoon told him. “ _ Soonyoung, though...I don’t know, he had the idea, but he’s probably the hardest to distract from this kind of stuff _.”

“I’ll update you guys as soon as I have something, I promise,” Seungcheol told them - Jihoon and Junhui, and whoever else was listening to the call,

“_ Please take care of yourself too, hyung, _” Seungcheol heard Junhui say, a sentence that nearly broke his heart. He was too kind, that kid.

“I will, Junnie, but you need to do the same,” he told him softly before pressing his lips into a line. “I’m gonna go, but I’ll call when Minghao’s out of surgery. Okay?”

“_ Sounds good, _” Jihoon answered.

* * *

Seungcheol spent a considerable amount of time silent beside his manager, his mind drifting off too often for him to focus on anything. He felt awful, his brain was throbbing against his skull like it wanted out, and honestly, Seungcheol couldn’t blame it.

He felt like he couldn’t handle this.

It’s not that none of their members had ever been to the hospital. Seungcheol had been to the hospital himself, but even then, he was never this out of his mind. Some of the kids had been sick enough in the past to warrant hospital visits. Especially Wonwoo, when they first found out about his gastritis. Dislocated limbs were common too, dancing injuries in general, but nothing so horrible that Seungcheol needed to worry too much. Some of their members had surgeries before, too - Chan had his appendix out, Joshua, Seokmin, and Mingyu with their wisdom teeth, but that was all routine stuff that they didn’t need to worry about.

This was terrifying because Seungcheol didn’t have any answers. He had nothing to compare it to. He didn’t even know how something like this could happen. To one of _ his kids. _

This was his own fault. He should have paid more attention.

But, he didn’t even know what to be looking for.

“Here for Xu Minghao, correct?”

Seungcheol shot up so quickly that his head spun. He’d made a lot of noise in getting up, he felt his ears redden as most of the waiting people turned to look at him, manager Jeon staring too as he slowly stood beside him.

There was a doctor standing in front of him - a man that looked rather cold, an uncaring expression. A smaller man next to him, younger, Seungcheol guessed, maybe not a real doctor yet but not a nurse either - he seemed a little friendlier. Seungcheol liked him.

“Come with me. I’ll update you once we get to his room,” the doctor said, turning as soon as Seungcheol and manager Jeon stood.

Seungcheol followed closely behind the doctor, his head still spinning from getting up so fast, but also because he wasn’t expecting them to let them see Minghao right away. He didn’t know how these sorts of things worked - but he wasn’t complaining. He needed to see him. He needed to know he was okay.

It took nearly everything Seungcheol had not to burst into tears when they led them into Minghao’s room.

It hardly looked like him.

He was asleep, or still out from the anesthesia, Seungcheol assumed - but even if he was asleep, Seungcheol could see the pure exhaustion hanging on his features. The pale skin, the bags under his eyes - the tube in his nose made it even harder to look at. They had put a hospital gown on him, too, its size making him look so much frailer than he already was. An IV poked into his arm - he wasn’t going to like that when he woke up, Minghao hated needles - and a variety of other things attached to him that Seungcheol couldn’t name the purpose of.

Seungcheol was at his bedside as quick as he could be, as if someone would take him away if he wasn’t quick enough. He looked at the smaller doctor for permission before he took Minghao’s hand - it still felt the same. That relieved him.

Seungcheol wanted to take some time to look him over, but the doctor had begun speaking before Seungcheol had the chance.

“The surgery went well. We were able to repair a lot of the damaged tissue, the rest will have to heal on its own,” the doctor started, reading off of a clipboard, “the tests for the poison came back as a mix between a few things, but it was mainly sulfuric acid that they found.”

Seungcheol watched how manager Jeon’s face twisted in disgust. “The kind they use in cars? Battery acid?” he murmured. Seungcheol’s heart sank. He hadn’t even made that connection.

“Precisely,” the doctor said, “it’s an extremely strong chemical and it’s corrosive. He’s very lucky he didn’t swallow much of it, the damage could have been much worse. He could have died.”

Seungcheol shook his head, squeezing Minghao’s hand even harder. He didn’t want to hear that. Minghao was fine, there was no reason to talk about what could have happened if he was fine.

“Unfortunately, because of the nature of the poison, it isn’t something we can just completely remove from his system. It will continue to do damage to the esophagus and stomach, and there isn’t much we can do to stop it aside from providing medication and such. The damage can lead to a variety of things. Serious infections, multiple organ failure. We’ve seen sudden death occur up to a month after the initial treatment.”

Seungcheol froze.

What?

"It'll be painful for him to eat or drink for a while, and with it being…”

He was starting to tune out what the doctor was saying, even if that was the opposite of what he wanted. He wanted to - needed to listen, actually, but how was he supposed to ignore what the doctor had just said? That Seungcheol could just...walk into Minghao’s room in a month and find him dead and there was nothing he could do to stop it?  
  


“Um...excuse me,” Seungcheol murmured, his hand slipping out of Minghao’s, taking himself out of the room.

He stumbled a little further down the hall before he didn’t trust himself anymore, his hands covering his face. He was realizing that he couldn’t breathe, that his eyes were burning - a panic attack, he was starting to register, was what was happening.

He was right, he couldn’t take it. He just couldn’t.

He felt someone’s hand on him and he flinched away, not daring to look in anyone’s direction for fear of embarrassment - he _ was _embarrassing. What kind of leader was he, not even able to handle the information a doctor gave him? A good leader would take that information, store it, and move on.

But he couldn’t. As far as he was concerned, they had just told him Minghao could die and there was nothing anyone could do about it except wait.

“Hey,” he heard a voice, an unfamiliar one, coming from the person whose hand was on his shoulder, “I’m sorry for how he worded things. Those are just stuff we have to say as a precaution. Your friend hardly swallowed any of it, most of the damage was in his mouth and upper esophagus. Of course, we can’t be certain, but it seems like he’ll heal well. Please don’t worry too much.”

Seungcheol furiously wiped at his eyes, trying with all of his power to get his breathing under control - wasn’t Minghao the one that taught him? Breathe in for four seconds, hold for seven, and exhale for eight. That was him, Minghao had shown him that in their first year.

He was such a good kid. Seungcheol couldn’t imagine their group without him.

“I’m sorry,” Seungcheol murmured, his voice breaking in between, unable to keep it steady. It was the smaller doctor, he realized - manager Jeon and the other doctor must have still been in the room, Seungcheol didn’t see them in the hallway.

“Please don’t apologize. I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling right now. I know, it’s scary,” he said, patting his shoulder and Seungcheol tried to discreetly continue his breathing technique, “but I promise he’s in good hands. And I have high hopes for his recovery.”

Seungcheol didn’t hesitate to turn and hug the doctor. It seemed to startle him a little bit, but he hugged back, and at that point, Seungcheol had decent control of his breathing again. He needed a hug. He wanted to hug the kids right now. He wanted to hug Minghao. Just, some sort of touch to keep him from driving himself mad.

The doctor led Seungcheol back to the room, to which Seungcheol immediately went back to Minghao, whispering an apology to him as the taller doctor continued to speak. He only picked up things every now and then - they were talking about another surgery - he was trying to focus on Minghao, leaving manager Jeon to absorb all of the information. He busied himself with fixing his hair, trying to brush it out the best he could with his hands, tucking some of his behind his ear so it wasn’t getting in his eyes. It’d gotten so long. Seungcheol liked it, though, it suited him.

Seungcheol held his hand again, chewing his lip. He wished so much that Minghao would squeeze back. He couldn’t stand this.

He didn’t really feel awake when manager Jeon relayed some information to him. He felt bad for not looking at him while he was speaking, but it didn’t really matter if he did or not, his eyes wouldn’t focus. Manager Jeon mentioned something about it being three in the morning - that explained a lot, but Seungcheol really didn’t understand how the time had gone by like that.

Manager Jeon offered to take Seungcheol home, but he figured he knew he wouldn’t accept. Seungcheol was going to stay at the hospital until Minghao was discharged.

Seungcheol was sitting in a chair, although he didn’t remember putting one there for him to sit in, or even sitting down at all. His mind felt like jelly, but his hand never let go of Minghao’s.

He was there for what felt like hours, his chest feeling full, like he couldn’t breathe right - it felt like another oncoming panic attack, but it never came. It just waited, taunting him, but he had to try his best to ignore it.

Seungcheol had been listening to Minghao’s breaths long enough to immediately whip his head up as soon as he noticed that something had changed. It suddenly sounded strained.

Seungcheol stood out of his chair, eyes wide, watching Minghao very carefully. He was waking up, Seungcheol was sure of it. He watched how his lips pressed a little tighter into a line before finally forcing his eyes open.

He just stared forward at first - Seungcheol guessed because his brain wasn’t fully aware of his surroundings yet, but he watched closely as he became more aware of what was going on when his eyes finally landed on Seungcheol.

"Hey…" Seungcheol murmured, already feeling his eyes burn, squeezing Minghao’s hand a little tighter. "Try not to talk, okay? They said your throat's pretty messed up," he said gently.

Minghao looked half-dead, really. His eyes didn't open more than halfway, and he didn't seem to fully comprehend yet where he was. He certainly wasn't completely awake yet.

"Do you know where you are?" Seungcheol asked, fixing his hair a little as he watched Minghao become more awake.

"No, I -" as soon as he spoke, his free hand moved up to his throat and his eyes screwed shut, clearly it'd hurt him. 

"Sweetheart, I told you to try not to talk. Just nod your head yes or no when I ask you something, okay?" Seungcheol told him sweetly, taking Minghao's other hand and squeezing it too. Minghao's eyes were finally really open, somewhat focused, like the pain caused him to wake up more. "You're in the hospital. Someone put something bad in your drink at the music show and it hurt you,” he described simply, not wanting to overwhelm him with the details.

Minghao's eyebrows furrowed, seemingly a little confused, but he watched how his expression relaxed and then saddening, as if all the memories were slowly returning. It broke Seungcheol’s heart.

"But you're gonna be okay. They did a surgery to fix most of it, and I think they said they're planning on another to fix some more of it, and the rest can be healed with time," Seungcheol tried to reassure him, tried to put himself in Minghao's place. He didn't need to hear any of the bad parts.

There was a look in Minghao's eyes that reminded Seungcheol of the one he'd seen on him countless times before, back when his back injury threatened his career, his place in Seventeen. The look he’d seen during that time when Minghao wouldn’t say a word to anyone for days, when Seungcheol was terrified he would lose him from their group.

"Hey...you're gonna be okay,” Seungcheol said sweetly, stroking his cheek with the back of his hand, “I promise you, Minghao," Seungcheol told him, and couldn't stop himself from leaning forward to hug his dongsaeng.

Minghao squeezed back - weakly, but he did. Seungcheol wanted to sob - he was so happy to be hugging him, that he was able to hug back - even if his arms were weak, even if he still wasn’t all there.

He sat down, not wanting to suffocate him, before squeezing his hands again.

"The members are all at home, they can't come until you're doing a little better," Seungcheol told him after a few minutes of silence and Minghao’s eyes drifting around the room - but now, they were on him again. "And we don't want to give you any more stress. But they're all worried about you. Especially Mingyu.”

Minghao's smile was tiny, but Seungcheol still noticed it.

“I know you don’t like people worrying about you, but I hope you can make an exception,” Seungcheol half smiled back at him. Minghao mouthed a ‘yeah’, giving him a little nod.

He noticed Minghao start to drift a little again - out of exhaustion, Seungcheol realized, like being awake for this long was tiring him out. He had just been poisoned and gone through surgery, Seungcheol wouldn’t blame him at all for that.

"Are you tired, kiddo?” Seungcheol asked him, and of course Minghao wouldn’t nod or admit to it any way - he didn’t shake his head, though, and Seungcheol could tell just by looking at him that he was exhausted. “Get some rest, Hao. You don't need to be awake right now, you’ve been through so much today," Seungcheol told him, patting his arm, “I’ll be right here. Rest as long as you need to.”

Minghao gave him another nod, using the little energy he had left to squeeze Seungcheol’s hand back, and Seungcheol couldn’t help but smile at him. He really was the sweetest kid.

Seungcheol pressed a kiss to his forehead and waited for him to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed! leave a comment, it keeps me motivated <3


	3. got to get away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol knew he would regret keeping all his feelings inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhhhhhh im on fire with this fic haha hopefully that flame doesnt die out...this is the fastest i've ever written something i'm pretty sure. hopefully you guys are still liking it!
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect. I'm trying my best to be accurate but there isn't a ton of information available when it comes to stuff like this~  
so remember, it's just fiction! <3

Seungcheol immediately came out of his half-asleep state when he heard the door start to open.

"Jeonghan?" Seungcheol asked, unsure if it was really him - his eyes were too tired to truly focus, but it really was him.

Jeonghan didn't regard Seungcheol at first, his eyes focused on their unconscious dongsaeng. Seungcheol took notice of how sad his eyes looked, he almost got up to hug him - Jeonghan didn't handle this kind of stuff too well. They had to keep him away from Wonwoo while his illness was at its worst because he just burst into tears whenever he saw him. He could tell how hard he was trying to keep it together.

"He was awake before," Seungcheol told him gently, pausing until he had Jeonghan’s attention, "they said he's not supposed to talk for a while, so he didn't, but I think he's doing okay. I got a smile out of him."

"That's good," Jeonghan said, his voice small, taking a few steps closer, his arms crossed over his chest as his eyebrows furrowed. Seungcheol’s chest tightened as he watched him, knowing Jeonghan was feeling the same way he was. "He just looks so…"

"I know," Seungcheol said, barely able to agree. "But he's...he's doing good. I know he is." The last thing he wanted was for the other to worry the way Seungcheol worried.

Jeonghan stood across from where Seungcheol sat, his eyes sad as he studied Minghao’s features, almost afraid to touch him, at first. Seungcheol didn’t blame him, with all the things attached and stuck to him - he just looked so fragile. “He’s going to be recovering for a while, isn’t he?” Jeonghan asked softly, reaching a hand out to touch his arm.

Seungcheol gave him a nod.

They were quiet for a while, both watching Minghao. Seungcheol paid attention to how his chest rose and fell at a steady pace. He hoped he was getting good rest, not plagued by any bad dreams - he had to watch closely to make sure he could pull him out of anything if that happened.

Minghao had dreams all the time, and nightmares certainly weren’t uncommon for him. Minghao never talked about them for the longest time, when his roommates noticed that he’d had a bad dream and tried to get him to talk about it - he would just brush it off, even though it was clear that it was something that had affected him very negatively. The first time Seungcheol ever heard the details of one was when Minghao woke up crying once, asking for Mingyu - he’d dreamt of Mingyu’s death.

Minghao had a lot of scary thoughts, and something like this would certainly make them worse. Knowing someone had poisoned him. That fear would melt into his subconscious and scare him out of his sleep.

Seungcheol would try his very best to protect him from that. 

"Joshua's in the waiting room. I think he wants to wait until he sees him," Jeonghan said, pulling Seungcheol out of his thoughts as his eyes drifted up to meet the latter’s, “I thought it’d help, but he’s...I don’t know.”

Seungcheol frowned, his heart sinking a little. "Is he okay?" he asked.

"He's just been really anxious. I mean, he saw it happening and everyone else didn't, so I don't blame him," Jeonghan sighed as he finally made eye contact with Seungcheol. "I tried to convince him to come and see him, I feel like it'd help, but...he just couldn't do it. He doesn't want to see him like this."

Seungcheol understood why he felt that way. This sort of thing was scary for any of them, even if it was just to see it, and Joshua had a bit of a fear when it came to hospitals to begin with. Seeing Minghao like this might not make Joshua feel any better about the situation like Jeonghan hoped.

Seungcheol hummed in response, sighing.

"He's blaming himself, of course he is,” Jeonghan murmured, brushing Minghao’s overgrown bangs from his eyes. “Thinks that if he would've found him earlier, he could've prevented it...I'm sure your thoughts aren't much different."

Seungcheol paused for a moment. That’s exactly how he felt. "Yeah."

"How are you?" Jeonghan asked, eying Seungcheol again. "I know you're not handling this well. You can hide it from the kids all you want, but I'm not falling for it."

Seungcheol paused again, not entirely sure how to answer him. He wasn’t going to lie to him and say he was handling it all fine, he knew Jeonghan would kick his ass for that, but he couldn’t tell him how he really felt. He had to hold onto his pride at least a little. "I just...I don't know how else I'm supposed to handle this, Hannie,” he told him quietly, “he almost died. I can't just brush that off."

Jeonghan had to take in Seungcheol’s last two sentences before responding. "No one's asking you to, no one would ever even say that you should." Jeonghan told him, "but you're not taking care of yourself and that's clear as day. I don’t even want to ask you how long you’ve slept. You probably don’t even know that it’s been a full day since Minghao got here.”

"I don't want to hear this right now, Jeonghan," Seungcheol grumbled, his head pressed to his temple. He enjoyed Jeonghan’s company, it made him feel saner, but he didn’t need this from him. Not right now.

"And I don't want to argue with you, Seungcheol. But I know for a fact that Minghao would kick your ass if he knew you were putting him over yourself. You know that.” Jeonghan nearly spat at him, but any anger in his tone was ultimately masked by sadness.

Of course Seungcheol knew that. Minghao would never accept that from someone - he told that to his members, his fans, and everyone knew it. Minghao’s pride was very important to him, he didn’t like taking help from anyone. But he needed it right now. Seungcheol wasn’t going to leave his side until he was better, and Jeonghan couldn't convince him out of that.

He could feel Jeonghan’s eyes burning a hole in his skull, but Seungcheol refused to look up at him. He knew Minghao would be mad if he found out they were arguing over him, but he hoped he’d forgive him.

Seungcheol heard the door open, and at first, he didn’t pay any mind to it - assuming it was the doctor, someone who Seungcheol didn’t want to see in the moment, but he didn’t hear any words from whoever had walked in.

“Hi, Shua,” Seungcheol heard Jeonghan say. He decided to look up, to find Joshua closing the door behind him. “Come here, it’s okay,” Jeonghan said sweetly, walking over, and taking his hand to bring him a little closer.

Seungcheol saw how Joshua was in tears already, his arms wrapped around himself in some kind of desperate attempt to hold himself together. Jeonghan held him, a hand on the back of his head as Joshua buried his face into his neck. He was already crying. “I know it looks scary, sweetheart...but Cheol said he’s doing good. You trust him, don’t you?” he asked, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. “He wouldn’t want to see you sad, love, you know that. He doesn’t like to see you cry.”

Seungcheol’s heart sank as he watched Jeonghan fret over Joshua for the very same reason he was nearly in tears for earlier, as if it had never happened. Jeonghan was always good at pretending.

He held him for a few minutes, Joshua’s soft sobs, Jeonghan’s quiet reassurances, and Minghao’s almost mechanical breaths being the only thing that Seungcheol heard. His heart was breaking, wanting to comfort Joshua too, but realizing he wasn’t in any position to.

“We don’t have to stay, Shua. Do you want to go home?” Jeonghan asked him when Joshua finally lifted his head, Jeonghan still busying himself by wiping Joshua’s tears away.

Joshua’s eyes drifted back to Minghao’s form, and Seungcheol noticed him tense up again. Jeonghan was immediately ready to hold him again, but Joshua took a deep breath, talking towards the edge of the bed, one hand on the rail. Seungcheol frowned at how much his hands were shaking.

Jeonghan was still beside him, a hand on his shoulder and then at his waist, eyeing Joshua before drifting down to look at Minghao again. “I promise he’s gonna be okay, Shua.”

Seungcheol gave a small nod, even if neither of them saw him. Even if he was scared for Minghao, he had to have some faith in him. At least for the members' sakes.

* * *

Seungcheol wasn't sure how his brain was still functioning correctly at this point. He was sure he'd slept a total of maybe ten minutes, which wasn't exactly uncommon for him, but under the stress of these circumstances, he was downright exhausted.

But god, he was excited to see the kids again. They kept him sane.

Manager Jeon had come back, a little disappointed Seungcheol didn’t go home to rest when Jeonghan and Joshua left, but not all that surprised either. Seungcheol tried to push it aside as much as he could, and eventually, his mind moved onto something else.

He said he had spoken to the doctor, and gotten a bit of an update on Minghao’s condition. Seungcheol didn’t gather much from all the medical talk, he was honestly surprised manager Jeon had retained so much of that information, but Seungcheol remembered the important parts - Minghao’s levels were good, and they were planning on a second surgery today to fix the rest of the burned tissue.

Minghao wasn’t thrilled about that.

_ Why didn’t they fix everything the first time? _

Minghao had written with an expo marker on the whiteboard they had given him. Seungcheol had to think a bit harder to read it, partially because of his exhausted brain and partially because Minghao’s Korean wasn’t the most legible in the group. Probably the least legible, actually, but Seungcheol was still proud of him for trying.

He didn’t look much different from the first time he woke up - still pale, his features sunken, but there was a bit more light in his eyes this time - he was a little more awake this time, awake enough to concentrate to write his words when his throat hurt too much to speak. His writing was a little harder to read than usual, actually, because his body was still in sleep mode.

“Because it was an emergency surgery, kiddo. That was more of a quick fix surgery,” Seungcheol reminded him, “remember what the doctor said? The poison’s corrosive, it’s done more damage since the last surgery, too. Not as much, they think, but...this is like, a surgery to fix things long term. So you can heal correctly.”

Minghao put the board down and pouted with a tiny sigh. Seungcheol smiled. He was cute, but Seungcheol understood his frustration. Minghao didn’t even like taking regular medicine, let alone full-blown surgeries. He preferred natural approaches to things, but Seungcheol knew that he understood that this was what they had to do. He couldn’t take herbal medicine to fix corroded tissue.

He’d nearly convinced the nurse into taking his IV out, though. He really hated that thing. He made sure his blanket covered it at all times, so he didn’t have to be reminded that there was a needle in his arm. He needed it there, though - he couldn’t keep anything down, not that he even wanted to try. Unfortunately, he’d have to suck it up.

Minghao picked up the board and scribbled something down again. He showed it to Seungcheol. _ When will it be? _

“I’m not sure. They said they’re getting things ready, so, that could mean in an hour or in twenty-four,” Seungcheol told him with a little sigh. Surely he wasn’t as anxious as Minghao was about the whole thing, but he was certainly anxious about it.

Minghao wrote something again, under what he’d written before. _ You can’t come? _

“I wish I could, Hao,” Seungcheol sighed sadly, patting his arm. “But you have nothing to be scared of. You won’t feel a thing. You’ll go to sleep and wake up like nothing happened, just like last time,” he said, ''You didn’t even remember you had surgery the first time.”

Minghao just gave him a tiny nod, and paused for a moment, as if trying to think over it before he wrote something else down. _ Did they say when I can go home? _ he wrote before showing Seungcheol. He paused, took the board back, and scribbled something else. _ To the dorms? _

Seungcheol’s heart always warmed a little when the kids called their dorms home, especially the ones that came from far away. That wasn’t the first time Minghao had said that, but even so, it made Seungcheol happy. Even if he couldn’t answer the younger’s question with certainty. “I’m not really sure. It all depends on how your surgery goes, I guess,” Seungcheol said. “Oh, I wanted to ask you. The kids have all been asking if they could come to see you,” he said, deciding to leave out that Jeonghan and Joshua already had, “would you be up for them coming to visit? If not, I’m sure they’ll understand.”

Minghao paused for a brief moment, his eyes a little sad, but Seungcheol couldn’t read for why. He nodded.

“You sure?” Seungcheol asked him gently. “They won’t be here all at the same time. I know that’d be too much.”

Minghao gave him another nod, one that seemed more sure, before he wrote something else down. _ They can all be in here as long as they’re not loud. _He showed Seungcheol, and Seungcheol had to smile. He must have missed them a lot enough to allow that - Minghao wasn’t usually a fan of crowded rooms, especially crowded rooms where he was the center of attention, amongst his rowdy members.

“You miss them?” Seungcheol asked. Minghao gave him a small nod. “They miss you too.”

Seungcheol spoke with him for a while longer using his board before the doctor came in to give them a brief update - they needed to start preparing Minghao for his surgery, that they were nearly ready to do it. Seungcheol held Minghao’s hand as the doctor spoke to him, he felt Minghao squeeze harder at the mentions of certain things, and when he did, Seungcheol took his free hand on top of Minghao’s, and rubbed circles into the back of his hand with his thumb.

Seungcheol had heard back from manager Jeon that the kids were getting ready to come see him - all of them - but unfortunately, they wouldn’t be there in time to see Minghao before the surgery and they’d have to sit through the whole thing. Seungcheol was a little worried that they wouldn’t want to come because of that, although he certainly wouldn’t blame them - even so, manager Jeon said none of them had changed their minds.

“The kids will all be here when you wake up,” Seungcheol told Minghao, who was lying flat on the cot now, ready to be wheeled into an operating room. Minghao looked scared, but he was still trying to keep himself together - Seungcheol couldn’t see how he really felt, like when everything went down - when he had no choice but to let his guard down. “You’re gonna be just fine. We’ll all be thinking of you.”

Minghao gave him a small nod and squeezed his hand, and just when Seungcheol wanted to hug him, they whisked him off to surgery.

* * *

Seungcheol nearly started crying when the kids got to the hospital.

He had only been in the waiting area for twenty minutes, but it was long enough to nearly send him into a panic attack, and they’d gotten there just before Seungcheol worked himself up into one. He was so grateful for them. He wanted to hug every last one of them.

Joshua was the first one to hug him, tight enough to nearly knock the breath out of him, but somehow, it was still comforting, grounding. Like a weighted blanket. He allowed a tear or two to spill when his face was buried in Joshua’s shoulder - it was relieving, and painful to force them back, but he couldn’t cry in front of them. 

He could see how worried they all were when Joshua pulled out of the hug, revealing the expressions of all the kids. They weren’t only worried for Minghao, but for Seungcheol, too, he could tell by how they all eyed him, even though Seungcheol thought it was a little ridiculous. He tried to tune out Jeonghan nagging him for not coming home to sleep, but he could hear the concern behind it.

Seokmin had brought him a bottle of water, which Seungcheol greatly appreciated when he started drinking it. He realized he’d gon nearly his entire time there without any water - he wouldn’t tell Seokmin that, of course, Seokmin just assumed he’d rather have water from their machine at home than tap water.

It was nice to sit with them, talking normally about normal things, even though they were all in a hospital waiting room, waiting for one of their members to get out of a surgery - that detail couldn’t be blocked from Seungcheol’s brain, no matter how hard he tried to cover it up.

Now, they just had to wait for the surgery to end.

Jihoon had been quiet most of the time, greeting Seungcheol, of course, but not much else, until he asked Seungcheol where the vending machine was. Seungcheol took that as a _ follow me _sort of gesture, and the others seemed to as well, because none of the kids followed.

There was a vending machine in the waiting room, but they went out of their way to find the one in the other waiting room, where there was less people, and none of the members.

"I'm pretty sure some of them didn't sleep. I know Mingyu didn't," Jihoon started, busying himself as he punched some numbers into the vending machine. He didn’t look at Seungcheol. "That kid...he's too much like you," Jihoon sighed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Seungcheol asked like he was offended, even though he knew the answer, and he knew he didn't want to hear it. Jihoon turned to look at him just to roll his eyes before turning back scooping up his bag of chips. "Did you sleep?" he asked, deciding it’d be better if he changed the subject.

"I was up with Mingyu," Jihoon said, casually brushing over the fact that if he was up with Mingyu, meant that he didn’t sleep either. "He was…" he paused to sigh, "it was kind of ridiculous. He acted like Minghao was dying," he murmured, and even though Jihoon made it sound like it was noting, Seungcheoul could still clearly hear the sadness in his tone.

"He's just scared. Nothing like this has ever happened to us before," Seungcheol defended with a sigh. He wasn’t going to go into the detail that the dying part was a possibility - he didn’t want to think about that, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to put that on someone else.

“I didn’t think it ever would,” Jihoon mumbled. “It doesn’t make any sense.”

Seungcheol hadn’t really thought about that yet.

The _ why. _He’d nearly forgotten that there was a person loose who had done this to his dongsaeng. Someone had deliberately poisoned one of them.

They didn’t know anything. They didn’t know if it was someone from the building’s staff or their staff, or a fan - no, audience member - they had no clue how this could have even happened, not even if Minghao was the target or they were just going for a random member. The how was hard enough, but why? Why would someone want to do this? What had they done?

Minghao didn’t deserve this. None of them did.

“Let’s worry about one thing at a time, though, hyung,” Jihoon told him, patting his shoulder, and Seungcheol gave him a tiny nod. Jihoon was right. He needed to focus his thoughts on Minghao right now.

They sat in the waiting room for a while, quietly, Jihoon not even bothering to open the bag of chips he’d just bought. Seungcheol felt like his chest was starting to fill with water, the more he sat there in silence - and it was almost like Jihoon knew, like he was reading his mind, because he took his hand, and pulled him a little closer.

Jihoon wasn’t that kind of person. He wasn’t the biggest fan of touching or any kind of physical affection - that just wasn’t how he showed his love, and Seungcheol understood that. Seungcheol, however, was the opposite. He needed hugs like they were air, especially in situations like this.

Seungcheol didn’t want to overstep the boundary, but he pulled Jihoon into a hug anyway, his arms nearly shaking when he did. He expected Jihoon to flinch, or try to pull away after a few seconds, but he didn’t - he wrapped his arms tightly around him, and they stayed like that for a while, Jihoon not once even attempting to pull away.

Seungcheol tried _ so hard _not to cry. A few tears slipped out anyway, just like before when Joshua had hugged him, He knew holding back his tears and emotions wouldn’t end well for him, it never did - but for some reason, even though he trusted Jihoon with his life, he couldn’t allow himself to cry in front of him right now.

“You know, they’re all worrying about you too, Cheol,” Jihoon told him quietly. “I’m worried too. I know how you get.”

“I’m sorry,” Seungcheol told him, squeezing him a little tighter.

“It’s okay. Just...promise me you’ll take care of yourself too,” Jihoon said with a little sigh. Seungcheol wondered if Jeonghan had told him anything - even if he did, it didn’t matter, Seungcheol couldn’t blame him. He couldn’t ask them to stop caring. He just hated that they were worried about _ him _when they were already worrying about Minghao.

Seungcheol just nodded. He’d try.

Seungcheol pulled out of the hug, but even when he did, Jihoon took his hand again and squeezed it. Seungcheol chewed his lip, trying to keep his tears back again.

“Let’s go back to the kids, okay?” Jihoon said as he looked over at him. Seungcheol gave a tiny nod but didn’t meet Jihoon’s gaze until the latter tilted his head towards him with his hand. “Hey. I love you," he told him sweetly. He saw the concern in Jihoon's gaze. 

Seungcheol’s chest swelled up with emotions. He hid his face in Jihoon’s neck, scared to look him in the eyes again for fear he’d start crying. “I love you too,” Seungcheol murmured, his voice nearly breaking as he said it.

Jihoon never let go of Seungcheol’s hand as they walked back to the waiting room where the rest of them were in, not even when they sat down.

He watched and listened to some conversations around him - little things here and there. Seungkwan teaching Seokmin how to play a game on his phone, something Seokmin seemed completely enthralled by, Chan looking over their shoulders to watch, Hansol peeking over every now and then as well.

Junhui was busy with his phone - when Seungcheol looked a little closer, he noticed the word sulfuric acid poisoning in the title of whatever he was reading, and saw several tabs open on the matter - his heart sank, but as soon as Junhui noticed, he was suddenly on Twitter and smiling over at Seungcheol. Seungcheol just smiled back. Wonwoo appeared and sat next to Junhui around the same time, handing him a cup of water.

Joshua and Jeonghan were both quiet beside each other, Soonyoung had actually fallen asleep on Joshua’s shoulder. Mingyu was beside Seungcheol and Jihoon, his eyes staring off, unfocused.

Jihoon excused himself to the restroom after a while, and Seungcheol took the opportunity to scoot one seat over to speak to Mingyu.

"Hey, Gyu," Seungcheol greeted, half smiling as he patted his shoulder. Mingyu looked up, seemingly snapping out of a daze. Seungcheol noticed the unmistakable red rim around his eyes, and how the exhaustion pulled his lids down. He remembered Jihoon telling him they were giving Mingyu things to relax, although it seemed to be working a little too much - he didn’t seem like he could focus much, his eyes drifting off like a camera lense going in and out of focus. But he still smiled when he saw Seungcheol. "How're you doing?"

"I'm fine, hyung," Mingyu said, as if it were obvious, as if no other answer could be possible. Jihoon was right about the Mingyu-being-too-much-like-him thing. "I'm just worried about him,” he mumbled softly, “I miss him. I’m scared.”

“I know,” Seungcheol said, patting his shoulder again. “But he’s gonna be okay,” he promised, starting to realize he was doing the same exact thing Jeonghan had done when Joshua came into the hospital room. Comforting others even though he himself was terrified. But they were the oldest - that’s just how they did things. “You know, the only time I saw him smile through this whole thing was when I mentioned you,” he said a little softer, not finding it necessary for the others to hear - of course, even if they did, he knew they would understand - Minghao and Mingyu were inseparable.

"Really?" Mingyu murmured, his voice tiny. Seungcheol watched how his eyes started to truly focus when he looked at him.

Seungcheol nodded. “I know he misses you too. But he wouldn’t want you to be scared for him, you know that,” he reminded, and Mingyu gave a nod. Of course he knew that. “So just have faith that he’ll be okay. You’ll get to see him soon.”

Mingyu nodded again with a shaky sigh, trying to pull himself together.

Seungcheol took his hand for a moment and squeezed it, to which Mingyu squeezed back.

“Hyung,” Mingyu started, his voice still soft, “I guess Jihoon hyung probably made it sound like I was the only one freaking out, but he was crying too.”

Seungcheol’s heart sank.

The way Mingyu said it wasn’t accusatory - not like, hey, Jihoon cried too, it wasn’t just me - but more like he wanted to make sure Seungcheol knew that Jihoon wasn’t as strong as he was making himself out to be, which was comforting, but it made Seungcheol sad at the same time. Jihoon didn’t cry often - Seungcheol was honestly having a hard time even picturing it. “You guys comforted each other, then?” he asked.

Mingyu nodded. “He stayed up with me, cause he couldn’t sleep either,” Mingyu murmured, “Junhui gave him some of that calming stuff too.”

Seungcheol gave a tiny sigh, giving a tiny smile as the two of them noticed Jihoon coming back.

“Okay, move, I wanna sit in the middle,” Jihoon said, shooing Seungcheol out of the spot he’d moved into, and Seungcheol gladly moved.

“I love you,” Seungcheol reminded him as he sat down, and Jihoon sort of gave him a look, which drifted to Mingyu, and then back at him - probably suspicious of what they had been talking about - but he didn’t mention it.

“Love you too,” Jihoon said, leaning his head on Seungcheol’s shoulder.

Some amount of time passed - maybe an hour or so, Seungcheol wasn't keeping track anymore - before a doctor finally came into the waiting room. It was the one that had done Minghao’s surgery, he recognized, and his heart jumped into his throat as stood up, slower this time, not wanting to get dizzy again. He still held on tightly to Jihoon's hand, and Jihoon squeezed back when he realized what was going on.

“Here for Xu Minghao?” Seungcheol nodded, and the kids were all staring, too. Seungcheol felt the anxiety start to fill his lungs, making it harder for him to breathe before the doctor finally spoke again. “Apologies for the wait. I'm afraid there were some complications.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry.................................. (:


	4. can't hesitate anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol knew he'd eventually suffer the consequences of not looking after himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry about the update pause. i hope yall like this chapter !
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect. I'm trying my best to be accurate but there isn't a ton of information available when it comes to stuff like this~  
so remember, it's just fiction! <3

"What kind of complications?" 

Seungcheol heard Jeonghan ask, as if he knew Seungcheol's heart nearly stopped and he couldn't get the words out of his mouth. Everything felt a bit slow motion - as if the doctor was waiting to explain what had happened, leaving them in silence, until Seungcheol realized his ears were ringing, and he wasn't hearing the words being spoken around him.

Seungcheol was trying  _ really  _ hard to focus and pay attention, but he couldn’t even stand up anymore. he sunk back down into his seat, his head spinning enough to knock him over. He wasn’t sure why he was feeling like this.

He didn't even know what the complications were - maybe they weren’t even that serious - but it was like his brain was trying to shut out any more negative news for fear Seungcheol couldn't handle any more of it. A part of him appreciated the defense mechanism, he knew he was nowhere near awake or sane enough to handle any of this, but the other part of him knew he couldn’t just block out what was happening. This wasn’t a television show. This was real life.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and another one squeeze his hand - it was comforting, but he couldn’t find it in him to let those hands bring him back into reality. He felt like he was going to pass out. 

He might’ve for a minute, actually, because when his eyes finally focused again, when his ears weren’t ringing as badly anymore, he noticed the doctors and most of the members were all missing from the waiting room.

"Cheol, listen to me. Get a hold of yourself," he heard Joshua’s voice from beside him, his voice soft, not at all aggressive but deeply concerned. He was the one holding his hand, he was pretty sure. He felt his shaky grip on him.

Seungcheol turned his head so he was looking at Joshua - it was difficult for his eyes to focus on him, but he was trying, he really was. He squeezed his hand back a little, leaning into his shoulder, but Joshua lightly pushed him back so he was looking at him. It’d startled Seungcheol a bit.

Seungcheol almost wanted to bang his head against a wall. What was he doing?

"Did you hear what he said?" Joshua asked, concern in his eyes for multiple reasons, Seungcheol was sure. He finally noticed Soonyoung and Junhui sitting nearby, both watching, both clearly concerned as well.

Seungcheol shook his head, but even that motion was making him dizzy. He wouldn't let that show, though, although he was almost certain Joshua was at least a little aware that Seungcheol was getting farther and farther away from okay.

Joshua gave a tiny sigh, as if not entirely ready to relay the information he’d been given. "They said he lost a lot of blood during the surgery. A hemorrhage. I don’t really understand how it happened, but...it did,” he murmured quietly, squeezing Seungcheol’s hand as he spoke. His tone was so unstable. He opened his mouth to continue, but it was as if he couldn’t keep going.

Soonyoung joined in, finishing Joshua’s sentence. “They said he went into shock and then he came out of the anesthesia,” he said very softly, his tone incredibly sad.

Seungcheol's head started pounding to the point where it made him nauseous, taking a moment to understand exactly what the two of them had told him. "He...he woke up? In the middle of surgery?" he asked, his voice still shaky. That didn’t make sense. Was that even a thing that happened?

"They told us he couldn't have been in any pain because he was numbed, but, uhm...I don't know. They just said it was…_upsetting_, for him,” Joshua murmured almost sounding angry. “I really hope he doesn’t remember that. I can’t imagine…

Was this Seungcheol’s fault? Did he not comfort Minghao enough, did he not make him feel secure enough? What if he hadn’t? What if it was too soon? What if he’d pushed it back a bit longer, maybe then this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe if he wasn’t…

“Do you want to go see him, Cheol?” Joshua asked, effectively pulling Seungcheol out of his thoughts. “The kids are all there. He’s awake,” Seungcheol nodded, even if he wasn’t too sure he could really handle it.

He took his hand, offering to help him stand - Seungcheol overestimated himself and stood up much quicker than he was able to, nearly falling against Joshua as his vision faded white for a moment, head spinning. He could feel Joshua’s grip on him tighten, supporting him a little more as Seungcheol’s vision started to come back to him. “You need to rest,” he scolded lightly, clearly out of concern.

Seungcheol knew that, and he would, eventually - but he couldn’t right now. Minghao needed him. The kids might need him, too. He was the leader and he’d be the last of them to get rest.

Joshua’s grip on Seungcheol loosened a bit as Seungcheol proved he could walk fine, and eventually, Joshua lead him to the room Minghao had been placed in. Almost all the kids were inside, aside from Soonyoung and Junhui, who were both behind Joshua. They were all huddled around the hospital bed, close enough for comfort but not too close to crowd him.

The hastily-put-together pieces of Seungcheol’s heart fell apart when his eyes found Minghao wrapped in Jeonghan’s arms, shaking horribly, hardly able to hold Jeonghan back. He must’ve been crying, too, Seungcheol thought he’d heard sniffling.

“Hey...I know. It’s okay,” Jeonghan told him sweetly and softly as he pulled the younger a little closer towards him. Seungcheol almost couldn’t hear it. "You did so good. I'm so proud of you."

“It’s over now, hyung,” Seungkwan added, clearly trying to keep his voice from cracking under his own tears - Seungcheol saw him squeezing someone else’s hand - Mingyu’s - who was downright sobbing, at this point. Mingyu cried just at seeing Minghao cry - he couldn’t imagine how he was feeling right now. Seeing any of them cry was hard, but it was arguably the hardest to see Minghao cry. For so long, Seungcheol didn’t even know if that was something he could do.

He’d turned his head to look at the others, but now, his head wasn’t giving him standing up as an option anymore. He was sure he’d pass out within the next few seconds, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to let the other kids see that - but before he could even make a decision on what to do, his legs collapsed beneath him.

* * *

“His levels are all fine, it seems he just needs to get rest. He’s okay to go home.”

Seungcheol groaned out of instinct upon waking up, not even comprehending the words spoken over him, wanting nothing more than to just turn over and continue sleeping. He was absolutely exhausted, not really taking into account why until he started to hear the sounds of the hospital all around him.

Minghao. They were at the hospital for Minghao. Had he passed out? Why was he lying in bed?

He shot up almost immediately, swinging his legs over the cot to go to wherever Minghao was, before even taking a moment to take in his surroundings.

A horrible stinging feeling in his lower arm definitely stopped him, though.

“Shit, Seungcheol, seriously?” he heard Jeonghan curse from behind him, pulling his arm back, feeling someone else’s gloved hands on the spot that was stinging. He turned his head to find himself bleeding from there, ultimately leading him to start working himself up. When the hell did he get hurt? That was a pretty decent amount of blood, making quite the mess.

“Jeonghan - I - what - ” he could hardly get the words out, his lungs weren’t working quite right.

“You pulled out your IV. You’re fine, but you need to stay here. Don’t get up,” Jeonghan said softly, a little exasperated, but it was comforting nonetheless. Seungcheol was reluctant, but he carefully scooted back onto the bed, his eyes glued to whatever the nurse was doing to his arm.

“It’s just a bit of blood. Pressure stops it,” the nurse told him carefully with a comforting little smile, “we wanted to take your IV out anyway to discharge you, but you already did it for us, I suppose.”

Seungcheol gave an awkward half-smile, a little embarrassed. But it was a much better feeling than the anxiety he was feeling a few seconds ago.

The nurse fixed up the little wound Seungcheol had made, placing a little piece of gauze over it before taping it on. Seungcheol noticed his hands shaking, the whole time, but Jeonghan kept his grip on it, and it helped.

“I passed out?” Seungcheol murmured when the nurse left. He wasn’t really sure why he was asking, he knew the answer.

“Yeah. You were asleep for a few hours,” Jeonghan said quietly with a little sigh. He could tell he was angry - disappointed. “They said you’re mostly fine, just exhaustion and dehydration.”

Seungcheol lowered his gaze, having trouble imagining passing out in front of all the kids - especially the kid that was in the hospital bed. His hands started their shaking again, imagining them freaking out because of him, having to call a doctor all because he didn’t take any care of himself.

He leaned back onto the cot, trying his best to regulate his breathing a bit, taking in his surroundings. There were curtains at the sides of his cot, open at the end, where he could see the reception desk and a few empty cots on the other side. The clinic part of the hospital, probably. He was angry with himself for getting admitted. If he had actually taken care of himself, he wouldn’t be in this cot. Jeonghan wouldn’t be angry with him.

The nurse came back, going over a few routine things that Seungcheol didn’t bother paying too much attention to before officially discharging him. He knew how to take care of himself, but this time, he just prioritized taking care of Minghao first. He’d do better this time.

“I...can I go see him?” Seungcheol asked, his voice tiny, watching Jeonghan as he stood.

“I’m taking you home, Cheol,” Jeonghan told him, taking the coat he’d had in his lap and handing it to Seungcheol, knowing Seungcheol was a little cold before he even realized it.

Seungcheol’s lungs started to be a little hard on him again. “Wait, but-”

“It’s not up for any fucking discussion, Choi Seungcheol,” Jeonghan snapped at him, his voice nearly cracking halfway through.

Seungcheol shrunk back, chewing at his lips. “Jeonghan…”

Jeonghan didn’t speak any further, just walking towards the exit of the hospital, expecting Seungcheol to follow him. Part of Seungcheol wanted to just run off and find out which room Minghao was in, but he couldn’t do that. Jeonghan was angry for a reason, and he wasn’t going to make that any worse. Even if Jeonghan telling him he was going home felt like the latter dropped a pile of rocks into his lungs.

Seungcheol still felt dizzy as he followed Jeonghan to the car, but not nearly as dizzy as before. He stayed close behind him, but it seemed Jeonghan wasn’t letting him get too close - he really was angry with him, and Seungcheol felt horrible for it, but it was his own fault.

The manager was already in the car - he must’ve been waiting there for them. Jeonghan knocked on the window to let them know they were there, and he unlocked the car. Jeonghan waited, allowing Seungcheol to climb in first. Seungcheol expected Jeonghan to just shut the door and go into the passenger seat, but he didn’t. He followed Seungcheol inside, sitting beside him in the back seat.

Jeonghan’s concern always overrode his anger.

Seungcheol watched him for a few minutes, taking note of his stressed he seemed. It was clear as day that he was bottling up his emotions, whether that was anger, concern or something else. It was painful to watch. It looked like he was about to burst, but Seungcheol had no idea if that would be in tears or yelling.

“Han...I’m really sorry,” Seungcheol told him softly, placing a hand on his thigh, trying to get it to shake a little less, at least. He didn’t want Jeonghan angry with him. He had every right to be, but he didn’t need an emotion like that on top of everything else.

“I hate when you do this,” Jeonghan murmured, careful to keep his voice steady. He paid no mind to Seungcheol’s hand. “You...I know you want to prioritize the kids, I understand that, especially now, but just - you can’t keep doing this. You can’t let it get to that point, Cheol, it’s fucking dangerous,” his voice got incredibly soft leading into the last few words, like the anger faded into fear.

Seungcheol was very aware of that, but this was something he’d always done. Wait until it got bad to actually realize that what he was doing was dangerous. He did it with injuries, illnesses,  _ feelings.  _ It wasn’t something he did before he met all of them. But now, he was in a position of leadership, where he couldn’t be weak. Even if he knew that all anyone wanted was for him to be safe and okay.

It was frustrating, knowing all of that and knowing what he’d done. Knowing this probably wasn’t the last time.

If anything, he knew he’d need to stop doing this because of how much it was worrying everyone else. It wasn’t worth it to hide it.

Jeonghan never looked at him, but just before Seungcheol was about to pull his hand away, Jeonghan grabbed it and squeezed him tightly. Almost to the point where it hurt. He felt Jeonghan’s hands were shaking, too, and his heart sank. He didn’t deserve to feel that way. Seungcheol had made everything so much worse for him.

He thought he’d heard the latter sniffle, and as he leaned forward to check if he was crying, Seungcheol heard the click of his seatbelt and Jeonghan suddenly leaned over to wrap his arms around him, tight.

Seungcheol held him back without a second thought, knowing Jeonghan needed it as much as Seungcheol did. Jeonghan’s position in their group wasn’t much different from his. He may not have had to deal with all the technical stuff of being a leader like Seungcheol did, but they all heavily relied on Jeonghan, too. Seungcheol didn’t like giving him the mother title, but that was really the only way he could describe it.

Either way, sometimes it became too much. He figured that was why Jeonghan was coming home with Seungcheol, too.

He knew he could trust the others, for now. They were his kids, but they weren’t children.

* * *

Mingyu wasn’t angry with Minghao, of course he wasn’t, but he was starting to get worried. He had no idea how he’d put off sleep for this long with all the medication he was on, and after all the stress of the surgery. Mingyu could get knocked out pretty quick just with some Benadryl. Minghao was far too hard-headed to let any sort of medication make him tired. But he’d always been like that.

It had been a long while since the surgery ended. Mingyu wasn’t really keeping track of time - the clock on the wall was conveniently not working, but he’d guessed maybe, six hours or so. Jeonghan took Seungcheol home after he’d passed out, and a few of the other members had to leave eventually too. They were giving them a break from schedules while they were investigating the poisoning, but they still had work to do aside from that.

It sucked, but it was probably good for them to have something to do. They all saw what happened to Seungcheol.

For being in a hospital room, they were having a pretty good time. Talking for a while - Minghao couldn’t talk, obviously, he had a breathing mask on for the first few hours, partially to help after the surgery, and his very persistent anxiety over waking up in the middle of surgery - but even after the doctors said it was okay to take off, he couldn’t talk people of the damage done to his throat. He wasn’t one to interject unless brought into the conversation anyway. They tried their best to give him yes or no questions when needed, and he always had his whiteboard, too. Which he’d only used once, to ask Chan to lower his voice.

Seungkwan had gotten Minghao's permission to lie beside him, and he'd spent most of his time there playing with Minghao's hair. Mingyu couldn't say he wasn't jealous. He was. But he couldn't fit in that cot with enough room for Minghao to lay there comfortably. He tried not to be jealous. Minghao seemed to like it, he seemed content. That was all that really mattered.

Mingyu watched the sleep start to pull on his eyes as the hours went on, but Minghao was extremely persistent in staying awake, forcing them open anyway. No one else seemed to notice - Seungkwan reminded him it was his turn for their round of cards.

Mingyu had to interrupt their game when he’d noticed Minghao shut his eyes for a few seconds before forcing them back open.

“You sure you don’t wanna try to sleep?” Mingyu asked him, kindly. He hadn’t asked him outright since he’d come out of surgery, figuring the answer would be no - especially at how stressed he was - but he’d try, at least.

Minghao just shook his head, his eyes not meeting Mingyu’s, just focusing on the cards in his hands, before he’d put them down. Mingyu wasn’t sure he’d looked at him at all the entire time he had been there. It hurt his feelings, just a little, but he tried to remind himself how Minghao must have felt. He didn’t like having so much attention on him, especially in a situation like this. He would much rather play cards with him instead of being the center of attention, no matter the situation.

Mingyu had to give a little sigh. “Hao, you saw what happened to Seungcheol hyung cause he didn’t sleep, right?” he murmured through a pout. He didn’t want to bring that up again, it had scared Minghao so badly, but he was worried he couldn’t get him to really think about what he was doing if he didn’t.

Seungkwan pouted back at him, taking Minghao’s hand. Mingyu huffed, like Seungkwan was trying to prove something by that. He knew he wasn’t, but he was letting his frustration get to him. “Hyung, that’s not…”

“He’s right, though. Minghao, you really need to rest,” Jihoon interjected rather sternly, and Mingyu was glad he did, he would’ve probably started arguing with Seungkwan if not. Jihoon had mostly just been watching, not saying much while they were in there with him - but Mingyu couldn’t recall a single time Minghao hadn’t listened to something Jihoon said, ever. “I know you’re scared, but what happened during that surgery is a one-time thing. It’s not gonna happen again. We won’t secretly send you off to another one in your sleep.”

“It’s not really about that, though, right?” Seokmin murmured, scooting his chair a little closer. There was something about the tone of his voice that seemed to dissipate his frustration. “It’s your nightmares?” he asked, his voice suddenly much softer.

Mingyu watched Minghao tense up before he gave a very small nod.

Mingyu’s heart sank. He hadn’t even thought about that.

Minghao had never truly explained any of his nightmares in full detail before - he’d told Junhui and Seungcheol, and bits and pieces to Mingyu, but never the full thing. From what he understood, they were these horrible, extremely vivid and life-like dreams - Mingyu had never really had nightmares he could really remember, but Minghao woke up always convinced they were real.

He remembered the time, when they still roomed together, where Minghao had suddenly woken up in the middle of the night, sobbing, nearly screaming. Every word he said was in Mandarin, he didn’t seem to understand where he was or that Mingyu was even there. Mingyu tried so hard to ground him, to calm him down, but he couldn’t do it. He’d woken up Junhui and Jeonghan for help - they were able to calm him down after a while, but it felt him shaken up for weeks regardless. Mingyu never found out what he’d even dreamt about.

Mingyu definitely understood that something like what happened during his surgery felt like one of those nightmares, but it was real. That must’ve been so scary. Mingyu was nearly tearing up again.

“If we notice something’s wrong, we’ll wake you up, okay?” Seokmin promised him, trying to give him the most reassuring smile he could as he took his other hand. “You look exhausted and it’s not good for you to force yourself to be awake. You’ll heal faster if you get good rest.”

Minghao didn’t lift his chin, but Mingyu noticed him squeeze Seokmin’s hand back a little tighter, almost as a nonverbal acceptance to what Seokmin had said. Mingyu watched Seokmin’s lip quiver before leaning forward to pull Minghao into a hug. Minghao hugged back, albeit a little weakly, his arms shaking a bit.

After Seokmin finally pulled out of the hug, Minghao leaned back against the tilted cot and fell asleep almost as soon as Jihoon turned off the lights.

“I think some of us should head out, huh? Maybe just one or two of us in here at once,” Jihoon suggested very quietly, getting nods from all the others. “You two haven’t eaten yet, have you?” he asked, looking towards Seokmin and Mingyu. Both of them nodded to confirm Jihoon’s question. “Then Seungkwan and I will stay here for now. Go eat.”

Only Seokmin nodded this time, leaving the room first. Mingyu murmured a little ‘sleep well’ to Minghao, even though he probably couldn’t hear it.

Seokmin walked ahead of him and Mingyu followed close behind him, a little thrown off at how quickly the latter was walking. He tried to just keep up, at first, but at some point, he couldn’t keep up anymore. “Seokmin, slow down. The cafeteria isn’t going anywhere…” Mingyu murmured, taking his hand, which stopped him in his tracks almost immediately.

Oh. He was crying.

“Seok…” Mingyu frowned, moving them over to the side of the hallway so they weren’t in the way. There was truly nothing worse than seeing their sunshine cry.

“I know - I’m just, it’s so - I’m just so sad, Gyu, he doesn’t deserve this. It’s - it’s not fair. He never deserved something like this, he’s so good, how could this happen to someone like him - ” his voice broke into a sob, unable to continue his very scattered thoughts, and Mingyu pulled into a hug to hold him as tight as he could. Mingyu’s eyes burned with tears. “It’s not fair…” he murmured, his voice incredibly sorrowful.

It wasn’t fair at all. Whether the act was targeted or not, it wasn’t fair. Not the kid who moved so far from home to be here, who worked so hard to get where he was.

“He’s - he’s gonna be okay and we’ll take good care of him,” Mingyu tried to reassure, for himself, too, as he pulled out of his hug with Seokmin to look him in the eyes. Seokmin looked a mess, his tears and snot, and almost puppy-like frown, but he nodded.

It would take some convincing to believe that, but Mingyu knew that he had to try.

* * *

Seungcheol woke up with a migraine. Of course he did.

He was in his room. He didn’t remember getting home - he remembered the car ride there, but nothing beyond that. He hoped he hadn’t passed out a second time, but for now, he’d just blame it on a memory gap from being so exhausted.

He stared at the ceiling for a while, curled up in his blanket, not sure he wanted to face the day, not with this migraine, at least. He felt awful, he usually did after naps, even if he was exhausted. He wanted to go back to sleep, even if he knew it would make it worse. That was the cycle.

Jeonghan came in at just the right time, though. Like he knew.

He was good at that.

“I had a feeling you’d be awake,” Jeonghan said after his gaze briefly met Seungcheol’s, a tray in his hands - it smelled like food, which should’ve smelled good, but his migraine was making it make him feel really nauseous. He let out a groan, sort of involuntarily, but Jeonghan certainly took notice. “Migraine? I brought your medicine.”

Seungcheol was a little touched, but also sort of weirded out that Jeonghan knew that already. Maybe he complained about it before and just forgot. Maybe Jeonghan could read his mind. He wasn’t entirely sure, but he appreciated it, and sat up to take the two little pills with a gulp of water.

Jeonghan sat at the edge of his bed, placing the tray on Seungcheol’s nightstand. Breakfast - eggs, toast, orange juice - it was morning, then. Jeonghan really went out of his way to make that and bring it to Seungcheol.

“It’s morning, by the way. You’ve been asleep since we brought you home, I think,” Jeonghan commented.

Both of them were very quiet for a moment, Seungcheol could feel the building tension. He could feel Jeonghan’s worry, he could feel that he was still at least a little angry with him. It made it hard to choose what to say to him.

“How is he?” Seungcheol finally asked, feeling awake enough to properly process the information he would be given. He was ready to listen intently. It wouldn’t be muddled and scattered like before. He might have felt like garbage, but he was well-rested, at least.

“They said he’s improving like they hoped, in terms of the surgery,” Jeonghan told him softly, not lifting his head, “but he’s not doing too great, aside from all that. He’s anxious, for sure, but the kids are taking good care of that. Jihoon said he spiked a bit of a fever last night, but nothing too serious. He hasn’t been keeping down any food or water on his own, though” he said, “I know he’d much rather be here. I think it’d help him to be somewhere familiar.”

Seungcheol found himself chewing the inside of his lower lip as Jeonghan spoke. He didn’t like the sound of any of that, aside from the improvement, of course. Minghao didn’t have a great immune system, he was worried about him getting sick through all of this. The fever was concerning. The anxiety, knowing Minghao’s nightmares always came out when his anxiety was bad, concerned Seungcheol the most.

He had to see him. “I think I’ll go see him later today-”

“No, Seungcheol. You’re staying home until he’s discharged,” Jeonghan interjected almost immediately as he stood from the bed, still not looking at Seungcheol.

Seungcheol felt his lungs squeeze again. He thought he was done with that feeling, at least for now, but of course he wasn’t. It wouldn’t go away until Minghao was healthy. “I...Jeonghan,” Seungcheol swallowed, “you can’t just...”

“They want to send him home sometime tomorrow if everything goes well. I don’t want you to mess with your own health any more than you already have, and you really scared Hao when you passed out,” he said, Seungcheol shrinking back, remembering how that must’ve made the poor kid feel, “You scared all of us, I don’t think you realize just how much,” Jeonghan told him, his voice suddenly softer. “Please, Cheol. I’m here with you, some of the kids, too. Trust the others are there for him and please take care of yourself.”

Seungcheol wanted so badly to argue. Jeonghan didn’t have any control over him, technically, he couldn’t tell Seungcheol what to do. Seungcheol could drive there himself, and even if he wasn’t feeling well enough to, he could ask the staff to drive him or take a taxi.

But Jeonghan was right, he always was. He couldn’t worry the kids more, he’d scared them already and he didn’t need to give them the extra stress. Especially Minghao.

“Okay...okay. But...I need regular updates. Please,” Seungcheol murmured, pouting up at Jeonghan.

“And you’ll get them in exchange for letting me nag you if you aren’t taking care of yourself,” Jeonghan huffed, finally looking him in the eye. Seungcheol sort of felt like Jeonghan was treating him like a child, but maybe he deserved it.

“Okay. Deal.”


	5. my poison spreads, the pain is deep tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mingyu's heart ached, afraid he wouldn't be able to help at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope the emotioned is conveyed in this chapter, ive been working on that a little harder recently. i hope yall like it!
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect. I'm trying my best to be accurate but there isn't a ton of information available when it comes to stuff like this~  
so remember, it's just fiction! <3

Minghao was finally, finally discharged from the hospital.

Seungcheol had to hold back tears when Jeonghan finally called him to let him know, four days after he had taken Seungcheol home. It was longer than expected - Minghao was having some difficulty breathing and still couldn’t keep anything down, and they didn’t want to send him home with something that could quickly get worse.

He was okay, now, Jeonghan said - okay enough to finally go home, anyway. He could breathe fine without the mask or the tube, and he was finally able to drink water and eat something on his own. Nothing solid, but it was better than nothing at all, and the doctors decided he could go home.

_ “They just said we have to keep a good eye on him, obviously. And that we should take him back if we notice anything’s off,” _ Jeonghan had told him over the phone.  _ “He’s getting overwhelmed really easily with everything today though, so just try not to crowd him. I’ll text the group chat to make sure everyone knows." _

Jeonghan had told him that last night - that Minghao was getting overwhelmed recently. Jeonghan and Jihoon were switching out staying with Minghao and watching the kids that were there so they could get enough rest, but on the last day, when Jeonghan first arrived to switch, he’d sent everyone home. Jeonghan didn’t give him the full story, probably for fear that Seungcheol would worry, but he suspected Minghao had had an anxiety attack. It worried him either way.

Minghao didn’t get anxiety attacks often, but when he did, they were bad, just like his nightmares. He was worried for him, here on out. Being more aware of the pain and how he was feeling could make things a lot worse for him, instead of being half asleep all the time from the pain meds, where he didn’t really have to think about what happened to him. And that was one of Minghao’s flaws - he had too many thoughts, just like Seungcheol. Being awake and aware of everything wasn’t going to be good for him, especially being that the situation wasn’t resolved.

They hadn’t caught who had poisoned him, and they hadn’t discussed any of that with him yet.

It made Seungcheol anxious too, thinking about it. He couldn’t imagine how it’d make Minghao feel.

He started to get sad, thinking about how this would all affect him now, and they weren’t off to a good start. Seungcheol missed Minghao’s smiles and giggles, he missed seeing him happy and bubbly - he didn’t know when he would see that again from him. After Wonwoo got sick, they didn’t see him truly smile for months - it pained Seungcheol to know it would be the same with their Minghao.

Seungcheol sat at the kitchen table in their dorm on the sixth floor, his head in his hands as he thought. He’d been waiting for Minghao to come home, but he hadn’t gotten any updates in nearly an hour, since they were scheduled to leave. He was very worried. He was trying so hard not to be - he didn’t want his anxiety to get out of control again, but it was hard. Really hard.

He felt his phone start buzzing on the table, and saw Jeonghan calling. He picked up right away.

“Hannie?” he asked, quietly.

_ "Hey," _ Jeonghan murmured after a little pause,  _ "he's really overwhelmed, Cheol, I’m just going to take him to his room right now so he has a chance to calm down." _

Seungcheol felt his eyes water. He knew that was just a code for anxiety. He prayed Minghao wasn’t having an anxiety attack, but if he was just anxious, Jeonghan would have surely let Seungcheol see him. "Is he okay? Overwhelmed how?" he asked, his voice very small, even though he knew the answer.

_ “I think it's just all hitting him right now, _ " Jeonghan said carefully with a sigh.  _ "I'm sorry, Cheol. I know you've been waiting to see him, but I think now's just not-" _

"No, it's okay. Take him in, let him rest. I’ll see him later when he’s up for it," Seungcheol said, nodding, even if Jeonghan couldn’t see him. "Tell him I love him, okay?"

_ "I will," _ Jeonghan said softly, and after a brief pause, he hung up the phone.

Seungcheol laid his head in his arms, his heart aching.

* * *

“Hey,” Jeonghan’s voice came from behind him, pulling Seungcheol out of his sleep. 

He was still at the kitchen table, he noticed as he pulled his head out of his arms, blinking up at the light before he caught Jeonghan’s figure. Seungcheol didn't have any idea what time it was anymore, but the windows were dark, and they weren’t before. He watched Jeonghan as he placed his bag and car keys on the table, nearly sinking into it as he sat down.

“Hi,” Seungcheol said, his tone a little sorrowful as he studied the latter. He just looked so sad, Seungcheol couldn’t help but stand to walk over and hug him - so he did, as tight as he could muster in his half-asleep state. He didn’t know exactly why Jeonghan looked so sad, but he knew he needed a hug. And he did, he leaned into it, sighing as if it lifted a weight from his shoulders.

Seungcheol sat down in the seat beside him, not saying anything for a few moments. He took his hand without a word, studying him again, his hands shaking the slightest bit. Seungcheol's eyes started drifting off to his car keys and his bag that were sort of carelessly thrown onto the table, before he heard a sniffle from the latter.

"Oh, Hannie," Seungcheol's heart sank, scooting his seat a little closer and leaning forward to pull him into another hug as the latter started to cry. Jeonghan leaned into him, hugging him back, his grip a little shaky but strong nonetheless. "You've taken such good care of him, I know you have," Seungcheol tried his hardest to reassure him.

"I just...I keep thinking I can make him better, Cheolie," Jeonghan murmured through sniffles. "I can't. I feel like nothing I do can help him..." his voice softened and drifted off so much at the end of the sentence that Seungcheol could hardly hear him.

Seungcheol didn't need to ask anymore, at that point, nearly certain Minghao must've had an anxiety attack. His heart sank once again at the thought of it, knowing not only how hard that was on Minghao, but Jeonghan, too. Clearly it was hurting him. Jeonghan always put on a face when he was caring for the kids, but it was painful for him to see them in any sort of pain, even if he pretended it wasn't.

"You're helping, Jeonghan, even if it doesn't feel like it. You're so important to him. All of them," Seungcheol promised him quietly, wishing he could say something more to help.

They didn't say anymore - just sat there for a while, holding each other. Seungcheol was surprised none of the kids had come out at all. Soonyoung and Jihoon were keeping them busy, he figured they were somewhere down in the practice room. That was good. They all needed their minds off of this whole situation.

Jeonghan pulled out of the hug eventually, forcing himself out of the chair to pour himself a glass of water from the tap. He looked exhausted, like he could fall asleep in the sink if he didn't have another option.

"You need to rest, too," Seungcheol said quietly, frowning. He hoped that Jeonghan wasn't putting himself in the same situation that Seungcheol had. 

"I know. I just…" he sighed quietly, placing the glass down, not taking a sip from it quite yet. "I'm gonna wait a bit, I told him to text me if he needed me," he said, frowning “and, I’m just...a little worried he’ll have a nightmare.”

Seungcheol wanted to offer an alternative, but he decided to stay quiet. Jeonghan wasn't nearly as stubborn as Seungcheol, he'd go to sleep eventually. He knew Jeonghan well enough to be certain of that. He tried not to think about Jeonghan’s last sentence.

He stood leaned against the counter for a while, the sleep pulling at his eyes, Seungcheol just watching him carefully. He took gentle sips of his water, going through the thoughts in his head until eventually, he couldn't keep his head up anymore.

"I'm gonna head back upstairs," Jeonghan said quietly as he placed his empty glass in the sink. "I'll update you."

"Okay," Seungcheol nodded, standing up to go hug him again, pressing a kiss to his temple. "I hope you sleep well."

Jeonghan leaned into him for a moment with a little sigh. "You too. Love you," he said softly, holding him close for the moment they had.

Seungcheol’s heart ached a little. "I love you too."

* * *

Jeonghan had told all of them in the group chat to leave Minghao be for now. He’d had a rough day, Jeonghan said, not elaborating at all. Mingyu wasn't quite sure he could truly obey that, though. He missed Minghao  _ a lot. _

It had been raining since the sun went down. Mingyu was out with some of the members - Wonwoo, Soonyoung, Hansol, Seokmin, and Chan - just hanging out around the city, getting snacks, drinking a bit and going to the arcade, something they hadn’t done in a while. It was nearly midnight, and they were still at the arcade.

Mingyu couldn’t speak for the others, but he couldn’t enjoy any of it, he couldn’t get his mind off of Minghao. It worked for a few seconds when he was really invested in an arcade game or some argument with Wonwoo or Soonyoung, but once his mind wasn’t completely occupied with something, his thoughts were back on Minghao.

“You don’t seem like you’re having a good time,” Wonwoo commented with a little frown when he caught Mingyu by himself in a lonely little corner at the arcade, mindlessly fumbling with a joystick on a game he hadn’t even put in a coin to play. Mingyu had seen Wonwoo giving him looks throughout the day - he’d even texted him to ask if he was okay, something that Wonwoo always did when he was worried, but Mingyu tried to just insist it was nothing. Wonwoo wasn’t stupid, though.

“Wanna go home,” Mingyu murmured, keeping it short, making sure none of the other members were around to hear that. He didn’t want to sound ungrateful, or that he didn’t enjoy their company, but he just couldn’t get his mind off of Minghao. He wanted to go see him. He hoped the others would understand that.

“I figured,” Wonwoo said with a nod. “Want me to drive you? I’d let you take the car, but, Soonyoung’s kinda wasted so I need it later.”

“I can walk. It’s not far,” Mingyu reassured. He didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, and having Wonwoo drive him would definitely do that.

Wonwoo raised a brow. Mingyu wasn’t sure why. He was certainly capable of walking home on his own. “You sure?” Wonwoo asked him.

“Mhm,” Mingyu nodded, and Wonwoo just shrugged.

Mingyu gathered his things, trying his best to sneak out of the arcade without the others noticing - which was pretty easy, it was a Friday night and it was still pretty crowded for an arcade. He was hoping Wonwoo would just tell them he went home, and he trusted him with that.

Mingyu realized, upon stepping out of the arcade, that he hadn’t brought an umbrella or a raincoat, and it was still pretty much pouring outside. He was starting to regret not getting Wonwoo to bring him back to their dorms - he realized that the rain was probably why he offered that in the first place. But he just grumbled, sighed, and started running.

He slipped once or twice on his way back, the second time hurting a lot more than the first, but he was sort of past the point of caring. Yeah, he’d probably care more when the spots started to bruise and get sore, but right now, he just wanted to see his friend.

He was careful to keep things quiet once he got home to his floor, even if only two of his hyungs were home - Joshua and Seungcheol. They were both having a really hard time, and Mingyu didn’t want to annoy them by getting home so late, soaking wet.

He stepped into the bathroom and ended up taking off all of his clothes to hang up to dry. He was soaking wet, truly. In the mirror, he found the red blotches already forming into bruises from the places he’d landed on - his hip, knees. That was going to be a real pain when they got back to practice.

He threw on some dry clothes - just pajamas, after lazily towel-drying his hair. He was nervous to see Minghao, even though he knew he’d probably be asleep.

When Mingyu opened the door to the latter’s room, he could make out his form, tangled up in his bedsheets. He couldn’t tell if he was asleep or not in the dark room - if he was, he probably would have reacted to Mingyu opening the door. Something felt off. Mingyu knew he’d have to leave if Minghao was trying to sleep, but he followed his instinct and walked further into the room.

He had to squint, noticing that Minghao was shaking like a leaf - that he’d sweat through the shirt he was wearing, it looked wet to the touch. Mingyu peered over to see his face, which was facing the wall, to see him breathing heavy without any rhythm whatsoever, like it was getting harder and harder for him to do. His eyes were screwed shut, and he heard tiny, barely audible whimpers from him.

Mingyu's heart dropped into his stomach. Minghao was having a nightmare.

He kneeled on his bed, his hands hovering for a moment, not sure what to do. He’d never been able to successfully pull Minghao out of one of these, he had always called Junhui or Jeonghan for help. For a moment, he pulled out his phone to call Junhui, but after about five seconds of ringing without any pick-up, he hung up, nearly sick with anxiety. His hands were shaking.

“Minghao,” Mingyu started, grasping his shoulder. Minghao flinched away, but he seemed to only get worse, like Mingyu’s actions were playing into his nightmare. Mingyu didn’t know what to do. How could he wake him without scaring him? Without making it worse?

After a few moments of his heart slamming against his ribcage, he scooped Minghao into his arms, like Junhui always did. Minghao screamed - Mingyu’s heart was shattering, tears already burning in his eyes. The latter was thrashing against him, and hard. He’d hit him in the face, his eye, pretty hard - his neck, too, but Mingyu kept his grip on him anyway, holding him close to his chest. Minghao was awake, his eyes were open, but he wasn’t in reality at all, he was still living in whatever dream world he’d just woken up from. He was running out of breath from screaming so much. Mingyu had to calm him.

"Hao, you’re okay, please…" Mingyu mumbled with a pained voice, his tears streaming down his face. It was so painful to watch Minghao in such a state that Mingyu couldn’t even pull him out of, to just watch him suffer. He cradled him closer, taking his hand and holding it tightly, hoping it would ground him at least a little bit. Minghao wasn’t screaming anymore, but he still struggled against him and he started to frantically mumble clearly scattered thoughts in a mix of Mandarin and Korean that Mingyu couldn’t ever decipher if he tried. He took gasps in between sobs and mumbling, he wasn’t breathing through any of it and Mingyu was afraid that was only going to get worse.

"I love you. I love you," Mingyu murmured in the little Mandarin he knew, his eyes burning with hot tears. He was so scared for him, beyond himself what he could possibly do to help, but Minghao finally gave him some sort of sign, he squeezed his hand back at his words. "I love you," he said again in Minghao's native language. "You're safe," he told him, repeating what he'd heard Junhui tell him softly in times like this before. He prayed Minghao would understand his words, worried they'd be too heavily accented with Korean, but he was responding, he was breathing a little more rhythmically, taking more air in. 

Mingyu's heart was swelling, his lip quivering, continuing to repeat the only two phrases he could remember until Minghao wasn’t struggling against him anymore. He was nearly limp in his arms, at that point. Minghao’s sobs didn’t stop, but they were dying down as Mingyu continued to quietly comfort him. Mingyu knew this wasn’t good for his throat, the screams and sobbing, he wasn’t supposed to be making any kind of sound - he prayed that he wasn’t in any pain, but it was becoming evident that he was.

It felt like forever had passed when Minghao finally wasn't crying anymore, he was relatively calm, leaned against Mingyu's chest, breathing along with him. He looked so out of it, but not enough to go back to sleep. Mingyu didn't have any idea if Minghao had any awareness yet of where he was, that Mingyu was even there with him. He didn’t give any indication that he was aware that Mingyu was holding him, but he was leaned into him like Mingyu was the only thing that truly anchored him.

He looked insanely feverish. The red blotchiness on his skin, sweating so much it looked as if Mingyu had poured water on him. His eyes were glassy. Mingyu had to press a hand to his forehead, and he was warm. His heart sunk. He didn’t know if it was really a fever, or just from the nightmare. He’d check on that later, though. He wasn’t going to leave him right now.

He was leaned against the wall that Minghao’s bed was leaned on, cradling him in his arms, rocking him very slowly. Minghao was folded up in his arms, his own arms against his chest, one hand wrapped around the other. His eyes were still open, but unfocused.

He saw the door to his room open, revealing an anxious-looking Junhui, peaking through for a moment. He nearly gasped when he saw the two of them, rushing over as soon as his brain put together the pieces of what had happened. He watched his face contort with worry, only lit by the tiny outlet nightlight Minghao always kept on by his bed. He climbed onto the bed, a hand hovering over Minghao’s frame before he lightly brushed the bangs from his eyes.

"Is he asleep?" Junhui asked carefully, his voice full of worry, shaken. His eyes drifted up to Mingyu, nearly full of tears. Mingyu wanted to hug him - he would've if it didn't risk moving Minghao. He hoped Junhui understood.

"I don’t know,” Mingyu murmured, taking his gaze back to Minghao, who hadn’t reacted to Junhui’s sudden presence at all.

Junhui asked Minghao something in Mandarin, soft and gentle, a tone rarely heard from him. Mingyu didn’t have any idea what he said, but he knew it was a question, and he thought he’d heard one of Junhui’s Chinese pet names for the latter. Minghao just whimpered, barely, and curled a little closer into Mingyu’s chest.

Junhui was quiet for a few moments, the sorrow clear in his eyes as he sat back, a hand rubbing up and down Minghao’s arm, slowly. "I'm so sorry I didn't get here faster…" he murmured. Mingyu could hear the pain in his voice.

"It's okay, hyung,” Mingyu promised him, locking eyes with him. “I think...I think I did it. I remembered some of what you always tell him." Mingyu murmured, pulling Minghao a little closer. "I think he heard me."

"That's good," Junhui said with a little nod, and a sigh of relief, almost. His eyes were on Minghao for a while, brow furrowed, the concern etched into his features. “It was...w-was it bad?” he asked carefully, only lifting his gaze for a moment.

Mingyu nodded back at him. Of course, there were times where it had been worse - times it had gone on so long, where Minghao couldn’t breathe and he’d thrown up, even a time where they had to take him to the hospital. Mingyu didn’t know how long it had really taken him to calm Minghao down, but it hadn’t gotten to the point where Mingyu was truly scared for him. He was so insanely thankful that Minghao was okay, and safe in his arms.

He leaned down a little to press a kiss to the top of Minghao’s head.

They were quiet, for a while. Mingyu wasn’t keeping any sort of track of time. He was focused on Minghao - his breathing, his temperature. He didn’t seem as warm as he was before, and he breathed as if he were asleep, even though his eyes never shut completely. He seemed to finally be completely relaxed, or at least, as relaxed as he could be.

He heard his phone buzz once or twice. He’d forgotten to text Wonwoo that he made it home alright, he just remembered that, but he’d just tell him later if he remembered to. He hoped Wonwoo would understand.

“I’m gonna get a thermometer. I’m worried he has a fever,” Junhui said, carefully backing off of the bed. Mingyu nodded at him, and eventually, Junhui disappeared past the door to go find a thermometer.

Mingyu’s eye was starting to hurt, he winced as soon as he had a moment to even realize it. He didn’t think too much of it, though, maybe he was just getting a headache.

He thought for a moment about how glad he was that he got there in time. It was almost like there was a nagging in his brain at the arcade, telling him something was up and that he needed to get home. Like a sixth sense.

He was suddenly aware of Minghao’s sweat through clothes again - his pants weren’t as bad as his shirt, but either way, Mingyu needed to get him into some dry clothes. He almost moved to start taking the shirt off of him, but Minghao cried out in protest, and Mingyu was still again, his heart dropping. His attention was immediately back on him, cradling and holding him close. “It’s okay,” Mingyu reassured gently, running a hand through his hair. Minghao hid his face in Mingyu’s chest, Mingyu could feel him start to shake again. “I’m sorry, I won’t move you.”

“Gyu…?” Minghao mumbled in a whisper, hardly audible at all. His eyes screwed shut for a moment after he spoke as if it’d hurt him, but his features seemed to relax by his own force. He didn’t want to make that obvious. He seemed too weak to move any part of his body, but his eyes shifted up to see Mingyu’s face, just a little.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Mingyu assured, nodding. “Don’t talk if it hurts, ‘kay? You were - you were screaming a lot, it might’ve gotten a little worse,” he said gently, not wanting to give him too much to think about, but he watched his expression sadden. “But it’s okay. I’m sure it’s okay.”

Junhui appeared soon after Mingyu finished his sentence - a thermometer in one hand, and a glass of water in the other. Minghao flinched a little at the sound of the door opening. Junhui came over, placing the glass on the little stand beside Minghao’s bed, climbing back onto the bed. He eyed Minghao, and then Mingyu, and then Minghao again. “You awake, Hao…?” Junhui asked carefully, and Minghao shrunk back into Mingyu, his ears turning red. “I-it’s okay. It’s just me and Gyu. No one else is coming in here,” he promised, leaning down to press a kiss to his cheek.

“Is it okay if Jun hyung takes your temperature real quick?” Mingyu asked him, his lips in a sort of pout as he looked down. Minghao sighed but nodded. Mingyu finally lowered him back onto the bed after turning around his pillow to the side that wasn’t soaked with sweat, and Minghao seemed to relax into it.

Mingyu kept one of Minghao’s hands in his grip as Junhui slipped the thermometer under Minghao’s tongue. Minghao’s eyes were on anything else, trying to avoid Junhui and Mingyu’s gazes completely. He was embarrassed, he was always like that after his nightmares. He didn’t realize that they all knew how hard this was on him, that it was nothing to be embarrassed about. They weren’t  _ just  _ nightmares.

“Thirty-eight point five. We’re gonna keep an eye on it,” Junhui said, his voice sounding a little nervous. Minghao turned on his side after a bit of effort with another sigh. “I think we should change your shirt, Hao-Hao. It’s not good to sleep in something so damp.”

“Hyung…” Minghao groaned quietly.

“Just real quick. We’ll do it for you,” Mingyu told him, and Junhui already climbed off of the bed to dig around in his closet for something quick to change into. Minghao mumbled a little  _ I can do it myself,  _ but they ended up doing it for him anyway - he was almost too weak to sit himself up. They had him take a few sips of water, too, but he didn’t seem to want to take any more than that.

Once they had him in a dry shirt and lying in bed again, Mingyu laid down beside him, playing with his hair. He paid close attention to the rhythm of his breaths, until eventually, Minghao drifted back into sleep.

"Should we tell Jeonghan hyung?" Mingyu asked Junhui, unsure of what they should do.

Junhui just shook his head. He didn’t need to give any explanation - they didn’t want to worry Jeonghan any further for now, if they had the situation under control. If Minghao’s fever went up, or if his nightmares were getting to him, they’d tell him. But for now, they’d just keep it themselves.

The sleep started to pull at Mingyu’s eyes, and not soon after, Junhui kissed both of them goodnight, and disappeared from the room.

Mingyu wanted to stay with Minghao - he wanted to watch to make sure he didn’t fall into another nightmare, even if that didn’t usually happen. Part of him wanted to fall asleep beside him - but Minghao didn’t like that, he had trouble sleeping with someone else’s body heat so close. Minghao had trouble staying asleep as it was. It could make his fever worse, too.

Mingyu watched him until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore, pressed a kiss to his forehead, and fell asleep on the couch in the living room.

* * *

Mingyu groaned as soon as he woke up. He had one hell of a headache.

He didn’t become aware of his surroundings for a while, his face buried into the pillow he’d fallen asleep on. He felt absolutely exhausted, like he hadn’t slept for more than an hour. He groaned again, smacked his lips, half asleep before his brain suddenly snapped back to reality.

He shot up - and unfortunately, tumbled onto the hardwood floor below in the process. It was the couch he’d fallen from, but the one from the eighth floor, not where he lived, on the sixth. He knew because this couch was way less comfortable, that’s probably why he felt like he didn’t sleep as well. Thankfully it wasn’t a long fall, but his body hurt all over as it was. He couldn’t quite remember why, but he was sure he’d figure that out eventually.

“Mingyu, did you fall?” he heard Jeonghan’s voice from what sounded like the kitchen, coming closer. Mingyu rubbed his temple for a moment, leaning against the couch with another groan of discomfort.

“‘M fine,” Mingyu insisted, pushing himself back up onto the couch, and sinking into it as Jeonghan came around the corner, eyes widening when they made eye contact. Mingyu pouted. What a rude greeting.

“Oh, my goodness, Mingyu. What on earth happened to your eye?” Jeonghan’s tone was a mix of disbelief and disgust, but not entirely, just a little bit. Mingyu was a little offended, at first, thinking this was one of Jeonghan’s little pranks, but something told him it wasn’t. “It looks like you’ve got a black eye.”

Mingyu tilted his head, giving Jeonghan a puzzling look. He didn’t have a black eye. Definitely not from falling off the couch, just now, because he’d fallen on his butt -

Oh.

Was that from Minghao’s nightmare? From when Minghao had accidentally hit him?

Mingyu’s heart sank when Jeonghan knelt beside him on the couch, and showed him a grainy reflection of his eye in his phone camera. That was bad - the purplish-red color spreading from his eyelid all the way to the circles under his eye. Ugly, for sure. It was swollen, too - not badly, he must’ve slept through most of that - but it was noticeable. He was a little baffled at how he hadn’t really noticed until now, because it looked painful, for sure. He whined, and Jeonghan put his phone down, poking around at his eye a little.

He got a little rough, and Mingyu winced to let him know. “Don’t tell me you got that drunk last night,” Jeonghan huffed, the disappointment clear in his tone. “There’s another bruise here,” Jeonghan murmured, running a finger along his cheekbone on the other side of his face. “Did you get into a fight?” he asked, although it didn’t seem to be a serious question.

“No, hyung…” Mingyu murmured. He’d hardly gotten drunk at all. Maybe a little buzzed, but definitely not drunk. He didn’t want Jeonghan thinking he was getting hammered and getting into bar fights. He and Junhui agreed not to tell Jeonghan, but this definitely constituted as a reason to, he thought. “Um…” he started, not able to look Jeonghan directly in the eye as the latter waited for an explanation. “Minghao had a nightmare, last night. I...he hit me, by accident, I think. When I was trying to get him out of it.”

Mingyu had to come up with another story for Minghao. He didn’t want Minghao to know that this black eye was because of him, but Minghao probably wouldn’t believe a bar fight story.

He watched Jeonghan’s face fall, like his heart deflated a little. He frowned and furrowed his brow. “He had a nightmare?” he asked, his voice tiny.

Mingyu gave him a little nod.

Jeonghan didn't say anything for a few moments, his expression falling again, more sorrowful this time. His gaze dropped from Mingyu’s. Mingyu was almost afraid the older would start yelling at him. Jeonghan only yelled when he was really upset with him, and he seemed really upset right now. Mingyu should've told him about it sooner.

Jeonghan looked at him again, his eyes still a little far away as he ran his thumb along the stretch of the forming bruise under Mingyu’s eye. Mingyu’s heart sank. He thought he saw his eyes tear up, for a second.

"Let's get some ice on that," Jeonghan said quietly, and disappeared back into the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank yall so much for reading <3 i really, really appreciate all of you for leaving comments


	6. everything turns gray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol wished he could sense an up or down before it hit him in the face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one's a bit shorter than usual! i couldn't crop out events from the next chapter to add in here to make this one longer bc it feels disjointed. hope u enjoy anyway! lots of crying in this one...
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect.  
it's just fiction! <3

It was nearly three in the afternoon when Seungcheol finally woke up. He had to groan upon checking the time - he knew that falling into bad sleep patterns was incredibly easy, but getting out of them was a completely different story.

He tried to stop thinking, he really did, but his mind kept drifting back to the moment everything went wrong. It physically pained him to go back and remember it, images flashing back and forth of Minghao being perfectly fine one minute and on an ambulance stretcher, begging for help the next.

They’d nearly lost him.

Was that in Seungcheol’s control? No. But if they had lost him, Seungcheol would never forgive himself. He couldn’t even forgive himself now.

He tried to wake himself despite the weight pulling down on his body, trying to push him back into bed. He cracked his neck, stretched - things that usually helped to get his brain to wake up, but it wasn’t working particularly well. He felt so incredibly drained - probably not just from his growing sleep problem, but emotionally. He was just emotionally drained, to the point where it was getting hard to get out of bed without proper motivation.

So he gave himself some proper motivation. He’d go check on Minghao.

The thought started to wake him a little more. He hoped Minghao had slept well, hoped he wasn't in pain, hoped he was maybe even feeling a little better. It was unlikely, considering all the anxiety he was dealing with the day before, and now that he was home, he didn’t have the stronger pain medication the hospital had been pumping into him.

He checked his phone, noticing he had an unread message from Jeonghan. He opened it, his heart aching terribly when he read what Jeonghan had sent.

Hannie [9:56am]

_ Hao had a nightmare last night. If you see him please be careful with him. _

Part of him felt guilty for not being there for that, but the other part was glad the others had handled it. It was really hard to deal with - Seungcheol remembered nearly having a panic attack the first time he witnessed one of Minghao’s nightmares. It felt awful to be glad not to have been there, but he tried to move past that thought.

When he finally stepped out of his room, it was quiet, not like it usually was when he first woke up. The members must have all been off other places, which made perfect sense, of course. Surely none of them had slept until three in the afternoon like he had.

He grabbed a pair of slippers before dragging himself upstairs, not wanting to bother with the awkward social interactions he’d face taking the elevator. His chest was already hurting from oncoming anxiety that he couldn’t do anything about. Two flights of stairs wouldn’t kill him, Minghao’s room was only on the eighth-floor dorm.

The dorm on the eighth floor was just as quiet as the one on the sixth - not a soul in sight. It was a bit of a relief, although he couldn’t bother reasoning with himself why that was. 

"Minghao?" Seungcheol called upon opening the door to the latter’s room. The lights were off, but the blinds were open, letting in a warm light from the afternoon sun, warming the room a bit despite the cold weather. Minghao was lying in bed, turned away from the door to sleep as he usually did.

He was unusually still - Seungcheol couldn’t focus his eyes enough to notice if he was actually breathing or not. He’d spent so many hours in the hospital room with the younger that he’d gotten so used to the only movement around him being the rise and fall of Minghao’s chest as he breathed in his sleep - he wasn’t seeing that. Of course, Minghao was lying on his side. That could have been why, but Seungcheol sat at the edge of his bed anyway.

He placed a hand on his thin arm, whispering his name sweetly as he looked over the calm expression on his sleeping face. His chest tightened a bit when he didn’t get an answer. He remained still, despite that Seungcheol was starting to shake his shoulder. That never happened. Minghao was always really easy to wake - he was a light sleeper when he wasn’t dealing with nightmares.

"Minghao...Minghao, wake up,” Seungcheol said, his voice starting to shake as he continued to try to wake Minghao.

_ “We’ve seen sudden death occur up to a month after the initial treatment,” _

Seungcheol felt like he was going to vomit.

He’d blocked that information out of his mind as best as he possibly could, but it still waited in the way back, waited for a situation like this to arise where it could hit him full force and send him into an anxiety attack.

He knew it was uncommon, he knew that they’d fixed most of it and that Minghao didn’t swallow much of the poison, but that didn’t change that it was still possible. That Minghao could die in his sleep and that Seungcheol couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it.

Seungcheol had no idea what he’d do without Minghao. Every single one of those kids had claimed a piece of his heart. Minghao was so insanely important to him. He always knew how to help and talk to Seungcheol when something was going on - he acted like an older brother for him sometimes, despite being younger than him, which Seungcheol appreciated beyond words because he was the oldest. He didn’t have anyone like that. Sometimes he just needed someone to hold him while he cried, too, and Minghao had done that for him, time and time again without a moment of hesitation. Minghao always took Seungcheol out of the dorms when he felt too anxious to leave his room, and made him feel comfortable with himself again, letting him talk about his troubles if he needed to or respecting his space if he didn’t.

Oh, god. He’d go insane without him.

And finally, he heard a groan from the latter, and he let go of the far-too-strong grip he didn’t even realize he had on the younger’s upper arm.

Seungcheol didn't realize he was practically already crying until the tears started to blur his sight. He sniffled, rubbing Minghao’s arm up and down as an apology for gripping him so hard. "I - just making sure you're okay. Y-You can go back to sleep, kiddo, I'm sorry. I’m sorry," Seungcheol stammered.

Minghao turned his head a little, like he was suspicious of the teary tone in Seungcheol's voice. Seungcheol smiled at him through his tears, even when it was obvious that Minghao wasn’t at all falling for the face Seungcheol was trying to put on for him. Minghao couldn't say anything, but he took the had that Seungcheol was rubbing his arm with and squeezed it tightly as he made eye contact with him.

He looked so exhausted, but Seungcheol could see the worry shining in his eyes, anyway. Seungcheol’s heart ached, angry at himself for waking him when he was so tired and sick - especially after going through the nightmare he’d had last night.

"It's okay. You can go to sleep," Seungcheol told him again softly, his lip quivering as he took his other hand to put over Minghao’s. Minghao looked unsure, but Seungcheol nodded, and eventually, the younger turned his head back to relax into the pillow again.

He hastily pressed a kiss to his temple and whispered a ‘ _ sleep well _ ’ through a shaky tone before disappearing from the room, feeling his chest fill up with a horrible feeling of anxiety that he just couldn’t keep under control anymore.

What on earth was wrong with him?

He ran up the remaining flights of stairs to the roof of the building, somewhere he didn’t go often, especially in the winter when it was so cold. It was barren - ugly and unfinished, somewhere the building tenants would only go if they wanted to go outside but didn’t want to bother leaving the building.

It was a good location to just sob his heart out. So that’s what he did.

Seungcheol finally let his tears spill.

He hadn't truly sobbed like this since the whole ordeal happened - it felt like a weight off his shoulders, but at the same time, it felt absolutely awful. He felt so weak, fragile. It hurt his throat, burned his eyes - it might have helped to finally cry like this but it wasn’t a good feeling at all.

He was so weak. He was terrified. He was an awful leader for not noticing in time, for not preventing what happened to his sweet dongsaeng that didn’t deserve a single second of what happened to him, he was an awful friend for not being able to comfort him enough. For letting himself get so low that he’d scared his members that badly, scared Jeonghan when he was having just as hard of a time as Seungcheol.

He couldn’t do this. Why on earth did he ever think he could do this?

"Cheol."

Seungcheol tried to get himself together as soon as he heard the voice, not even sure of who it was at first. He was curled up on the corner of the roof, leaned against the two connecting chain link fences, not aware of how cold it was until he finally snapped back into his senses.

Jihoon.

The younger had an extra jacket with him, one that he draped over Seungcheol as soon as he got to him. Seungcheol didn’t put it on but he melted into the warmth of it, bringing it up to cover his shoulder, wiping his tears and snot on the hood of it even when he knew he would regret that later.

There wasn’t much of a point in wiping it, because his sobbing started all over again when Jihoon sat beside him and pulled Seungcheol to lean against him - like he knew that Seungcheol needed someone to lean on, physically and mentally. Like he’d read his mind.

He must have seen him leave, if he brought that jacket. He must have known exactly where he was going and what he was going to do. Jihoon was good at figured that sort of stuff out. He was good at watching, listening.

Seungcheol was so aware of how he sounded like a ten-year-old when he sobbed, that he sounded like a wounded animal when he whimpered - he was so embarrassed, even if Jihoon didn’t give him any reason to feel that way. Jihoon pulled him a little closer when Seungcheol started crying harder, eventually just holding him close, trying to ground him.

Seungcheol felt nothing short of absolutely horrible, but Jihoon holding him like that didn’t make it as bad as it could have been. He wasn’t alone. Jihoon was comforting him, but he was letting him cry. Seungcheol really needed to cry.

His sobs finally started to die down, leaving his throat burning and leaving him much more aware of how much that hurt. He leaned into Jihoon a little bit, feeling comforted by how the latter rubbed his back and held him closely. He didn’t get moments with him like this a lot, Jihoon wasn’t an incredibly affectionate person. But he was so glad to get it right now. He didn’t want it to ever end.

When Jihoon pulled back, Seungcheol saw the concern in his eyes, the crease in his brow. Jihoon pulled his sleeve up over his thumb to wipe the tears from Seungcheol’s eyes as his sobs came to an end, although, he wasn’t entirely done crying.

He listened to the wind for a few moments as it whistled between them, the chatter of people echoing from below and from buildings beside there’s - Jihoon’s faint breathing and Seungcheol’s own sniffling. It was the first time in a while his mind wasn’t so flooded with thoughts that he could hear the world around him.

But of course, they came rushing back as soon as he was reminded of them.

"I...it's my fault," Seungcheol said quietly, lowering his head when Jihoon took his hand away from his face.

"Don't," Jihoon snapped, gently, somehow, as he took his hand under Seungcheol’s chin to lift to meet his gaze. The worried look in his eyes was only stronger this time. Seungcheol tried to turn his head, but Jihoon’s hand kept it in place. "You didn't put  _ battery acid _ in his drink, Cheol. There's no way you could have known."

Seungcheol couldn’t get himself to look at Jihoon. "But, if I just-"

"No, Cheol. You couldn't have stopped it." Jihoon said, not giving Seungcheol any room to talk. Seungcheol chewed at the inside of his lip. "If anything, you're the reason it didn't go as horribly as it could've. You noticed that he left. I...if we didn't find him in time, that'd be a different story."

"Hoonie," Seungcheol swallowed an oncoming sob. He hadn’t planned on telling any of them this, but he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore. It was driving him mad. "They said…they said he could die. Still. That - he could just die from it being in his system and there’s - there’s nothing I can do to stop it."

Jihoon’s brow furrowed. He was silent for a moment, as if he was expecting Seungcheol to take it back, or say he was kidding. Like he didn’t at all believe the words coming from his mouth. “What?”

“They said - it happens w-with that kind of poisoning. Th-that they’ve seen it happen before,” Seungcheol between the hiccups that happened from him trying so desperately not to start sobbing again. He realized how insane that sounded. Minghao was doing good, better than before. Dying out of nowhere didn’t seem within the realm of possibility at all.

Jihoon just stared at him, his eyes narrowed. He looked suspicious, but at the same time, Seungcheol knew that the latter believed him. Maybe he just didn’t want to accept that. “Is it common?” he asked quietly.

“I...I don’t think so, but...that doesn’t mean anything, it still could-”

Jihoon suddenly took both of his hands, squeezing them as tightly as he could, it felt like. “Then we’re not gonna think about it, Cheol.” Seungcheol gave a tiny little nod and Jihoon squeezed his hands a little tighter, giving him a stern but comforting look. “I know it’s scary, but you just have to be strong. That’s all you can try to do,” Jihoon reminded him.

Jihoon was right. Sometimes that was the only thing he could do.

The latter pulled him into a hug again, his grip much stronger than before. Seungcheol noticed how his breaths became a little shaky - Jihoon was putting on a brave face for him, but he wondered if he was afraid too. His heart ached at the thought.

He pulled away after a few moments, locked eyes with him, and sighed. Almost out of relief, it seemed.

"Let's go inside, yeah? You don't need to be catching a cold on top of all this," Jihoon said as he stood, offering to help pull Seungcheol off of the floor with him. Seungcheol gave him a little nod again as he was pulled up, and Seungcheol just leaned forward to hug him again.

“I love you,” Seungcheol murmured. Jihoon didn’t always say it back. It embarrassed him to. He really hoped he would say it now.

“I love you too,” Jihoon said back just before pressing a kiss to the left side of his lips. He took Seungcheol’s hand, gently, and led him back to the stairwell.

* * *

Mingyu told Soonyoung that he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t think he could continue with practice, and the latter let him go. That was a lie, and they both knew that. Soonyoung knew Mingyu was just saying that because he was so worried about Minghao that his head hurt, and Mingyu knew that Soonyoung thought that. But there he was, unlocking the eighth-floor dorm.

It was nearly nine in the evening now, only about two hours after practice started. Not many of them were there. It was just Soonyoung, Joshua, Hansol, Seungkwan and Mingyu. Some of them were with Jihoon to practice recording. Seungcheol had been following Jihoon around since he finally woke up - he wasn’t really up for practicing or recording, but he sat with him and watched the rest of them. None of them minded, of course.

Jeonghan stayed back at the dorms to take care of Minghao. He’d been updating Mingyu. Minghao had been asleep for most of the day, and his fever didn’t seem to be going up, but sadly, it wasn’t going down either. Jeonghan said it was clearly causing him discomfort, but thankfully not much else. It wasn’t hospital-bad. Jeonghan said it could be a side effect of the medicine, it could be from the stress of his nightmare.

Mingyu had worried that Jeonghan was angry with him for not telling him about the nightmare sooner, but he’d later learned that he was just worried. Mingyu felt guilty, but he knew Joenghan would have worried either way.

Jeonghan said he hadn’t really gotten the chance to ask Minghao about his nightmare. Mingyu said it was probably best he didn’t, for now.

Jeonghan had texted him that Minghao was awake at around eight. He’d had some water to drink but wasn’t interested in eating anything - which sucked, but it was better than nothing.

“Hyung?” Mingyu called to a very sleepy looking Jeonghan, laid out on the couch and cuddling a thin blanket. He very slowly lifted his head so he was looking at Mingyu. “I can take care of him. You should go get some sleep.”

“Thank you, Gyu. You’re sweet,” Jeonghan said quietly through a yawn, stretching his arms out a bit. “Take me to bed.”

Mingyu pouted. He knew that Jeonghan was joking, and normally Mingyu would’ve just turned around and completely ignored him at that point, but he leaned down to scoop him up without much of a warning.

Jeonghan suddenly looked very nervous - of course, Mingyu had a reputation for tripping and dropping things, he couldn’t blame him. “Oh - wow, careful, I - ”

“I’ve got you, you’re light,” Mingyu assured as he carried him over to his room, thankful that the door was slightly ajar from whenever Jeonghan had last left it. 

The latter was somehow half asleep again when Mingyu lowered him back down to his own bed, despite the trip not taking any longer than a minute. He must have been so exhausted from everything. Mingyu couldn’t even begin to explain how sorry he was for not telling Jeonghan about Minghao’s nightmare - it must have caused him so much stress.

He’d tried to apologize, but Jeonghan always tried to change the subject. He probably just didn’t want to think about it too much, Mingyu told himself.

“G’night, Gyu. I love you,” Jeonghan murmured sleepily, making himself comfortable under his blanket, not even bothering to open his eyes anymore. “Tell my Hao-Hao I love him too. And that I hope he has sweet dreams,” he said softly, the sentence drifting off a bit towards the end.

“I love you too, hyung. I will,” Mingyu said with a little smile. He walked to the doorway and shut off the lights. “Do you want me to close the door?” he asked. He waited for a moment, and didn’t get a response. Jeonghan always fell asleep so quickly. “I’ll close it. Good night, hyung. You have sweet dreams too.”

Mingyu worried about Jeonghan. He wasn’t as self-destructive as Seungcheol was when it came to things like this, but he was definitely really hard on himself.

He tried not to think about it too much, instead finally heading for Minghao’s room.

“Hi, Hao-Hao,” Mingyu greeted sweetly, the nickname still stuck in his head from when Jeonghan had said it. He was so happy to see that Minghao was already awake - curled up in his bed at the other end of the room yes, but his eyes were open and watching Mingyu. “Can I come in?”

Minghao gave a tiny nod. Mingyu was hoping he’d see him smile, but he didn’t get that. He didn’t mind. Maybe he wasn’t ready for that yet.

Minghao still wasn’t looking all that great. Mingyu didn’t expect him to look much better, but part of him had to admit that he hoped he would walk in and see his Minghao back to normal again. He still looked so tired, and pale now, too. 

He watched Minghao's brow furrow as Mingyu climbed into bed next to him. At first, he thought it might have been because of that very action - Mingyu panicked for a second for making the assumption that Minghao would be okay with cuddling, but Minghao’s eyes were focused on something specific.

Oh. The bruise on his eye.

"Oh, my bruise? Yeah, I think it looks a lot worse than it is. It doesn’t hurt when you touch it," Mingyu said lightheartedly as he laid his head down on Minghao’s second pillow. Minghao propped himself up with one arm as his other hand traced over Mingyu’s back eye, so delicate that he could hardly feel it. Mingyu was sure it would hurt if it was a rough touch, but he wouldn’t give Minghao that to worry about. Not right now. "Would you believe me if I said I got into a bar fight?'

Minghao's eyes narrowed, but not in a way where he found Mingyu's statement funny. Mingyu pouted, a little sad that Minghao didn’t look like he wanted to entertain a silly story. He was really desperate to see him smile.

"Okay, okay. I walked home and it was raining and I slipped a bunch of times," Mingyu explained, pulling down the waistband of his pants to reveal the bruise forming on his hip. Minghao pouted. "I'm okay, though. They're really just bruises. And the makeup artists know how to cover them."

Minghao's frown never lifted, like he knew that Mingyu wasn't telling him the whole truth. He sat up as his brow furrowed further, which prompted Mingyu to sit up along with him. Mingyu could feel his face mimicking Minghao’s expression.

"I hit you?" Minghao asked in such a broken little whisper that Mingyu almost didn't hear him.

Those were the first words Minghao consciously said to him since all of this happened, and for some reason, they made Mingyu's eyes burn, and he was crying before he could even realize it.

Mingyu leaned forward as he covered his face and Minghao held him. Mingyu felt so stupid, needing comfort from him when Minghao was the one in pain, the one who was scared. But even knowing that, Mingyu leaned into his grip, crying and sniffling to no end.

"'M sorry. I didn't mean to lie. I just - I didn't want you to feel bad, you were just so scared, I don't blame you at all - I'm -" Mingyu stammered through hiccups and stifled sobs, and Minghao just squeezed him a little tighter. "I didn't want you to be sad...you always think it's your fault but it's not. None of this is your fault…"

His heart dropped when he realized Minghao was shaking. Quivering from tears. He was crying too.

Mingyu pulled out of the hug almost immediately upon the realization. His heart dropped at the thought of Minghao crying, and he felt awful for being part of the reason it happened.

"Don't cry…" Mingyu tried to say, wiping Minghao's tears away with his thumbs as he held his face, but Minghao just leaned back forward to bury his face in his chest. He didn’t like anyone seeing him cry - not even Mingyu. Even if Mingyu knew he was crying, he’d try to hide himself. “Hao-Hao…”

He pulled him in after losing the battle to look at his face. He held him close, tucking his head under his chin as he cried with him. Minghao cried quietly, just shivering in Mingyu’s grip

“I love you m-more than anything, you know,” Mingyu told him gently, “I miss your smile," he told him, unable to get his lips to stop quivering. "More than anything. I miss seeing you happy."

Minghao squeezed him again, bunching up Mingyu’s shirt on his back in his fists. Mingyu’s heart swelled. He hated that his Minghao was crying, but he was so glad to feel his warmth again, to be able to hold him like this after everything. He needed it, and Minghao seemed to need it too.

"But I'll be by your side until you're happy again. No matter what…even if you get sick of me,” Mingyu said, trying to smile through his quivering lips.

“I can’t get sick of you,” Minghao told him, his voice hoarse, two rough sounding coughs following. Mingyu pulled out of the hug again and pouted.

“You shouldn’t talk if it hurts you,” Mingyu told him, cupping his cheek. Minghao finally looked him straight-on again, in silence for a moment, his eyes saddening when he focused on the bruise again. He placed his hand on top of the hand Mingyu held against his face.

_ I love you,  _ he mouthed. Mingyu’s heart nearly burst, and he found himself smiling like an idiot, somehow getting a tiny little smile out of Minghao too.

“I love you more, so,” Mingyu said, playfully and carefully pushing Minghao back onto the bed, their heads landing on the pillows together. Mingyu leaned forward to press his forehead to Minghao’s, his hand squeezing Minghao’s as soon as he found it. “I love you so much I don’t even care you gave me a black eye. If you were Seungkwan, you’d be dead,” he told him, hoping he wasn’t poking at too sore of a spot - but he got the smallest little giggle in response. The best sound in the world. “Can I sleep with you? You can say no.”

Minghao gave him a look that sort of said,  _ after all that? Say no?  _ But he shut his eyes and nodded, cuddling a little closer to him.

“Jeonghan hyung said he loves you and sweet dreams,” Mingyu told him, remembering the message he’d been asked to relay. “I say it too. You deserve some sweet dreams. I’m speaking it into existence,” he joked softly, and Minghao gave a quiet chuckle.

The tear stains were still there, on both of their faces, but despite everything, Mingyu was happier than he’d been all week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wonder...does this count as a calm before a storm?


	7. i’m scared, i can’t wake up, so i’m lying again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonwoo couldn't help but think that the storm was trying to tell them something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wohoooooooooooooooooooooooooo lets GO
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect.  
it's just fiction! <3

Seungcheol smiled to himself when he saw Mingyu snoring away, cuddled up close to a peacefully sleeping Minghao in his bed. He wondered if they had been there all night.

“Hao?” Seungcheol whispered. Minghao opened his eyes, sure enough - he looked incredibly tired. Seungcheol frowned for a moment. Had Minghao really been sleeping at all? "I have some meetings to go to this morning, I won't be back for a while. If you need something, just text. If you want to go somewhere, you can't go alone, okay?" Seungcheol continued in a whisper, trying to stop himself before he said too much. Minghao gave a tiny nod, but not much else. Clearly, he just wanted to go back to sleep, and Seungcheol wasn't going to stop him as he was finally willing himself to really rest. "Okay, I love you. Sleep well. Let Jeonghan know if you need anything, kiddo."

Minghao gave a tiny nod again.  _ Love you too,  _ he mouthed back at him, and Seungcheol smiled.

He really hoped Minghao would have a good day.

* * *

Mingyu could tell as soon as he woke up that Minghao wasn't doing well. Even if he was still sound asleep, his face was contorted with slight discomfort. Mingyu frowned. He was really hoping that after yesterday, he'd start feeling a little better, but it seemed he'd gone the opposite direction. His skin seemed paler, the bags under his eyes more noticeable.

Mingyu had slept through the night like a baby, but he hadn’t any clue if Minghao had slept well. He knew he usually didn’t do well with people sleeping so close to him, and Mingyu immediately felt guilty for not remembering that. He’d been selfish.

He watched Minghao for a while, just lying beside him, his heart aching a little bit. He really wanted nothing more than to see him happy again, but he was worried that wouldn’t be for a long time. Minghao didn’t cry unless he was really, truly hurting, and they hadn’t even tried to talk about his nightmare yet.

His heart sank. And that certainly wasn’t going to be the last one of those, either.

Minghao’s eyes started to blink open, very slowly, not entirely focusing on Mingyu for a while. He gave him a moment until he could tell Minghao’s eyes were focused, awake enough to recognize that Mingyu was there.

He really didn’t look good at all. The ache in Mingyu’s heart didn’t go away.

"Morning," Mingyu said sweetly, smiling back at him. Minghao looked like he wanted to try to smile back, at the very least, but he didn't. Couldn't, even. He didn't even keep eye contact with Mingyu, he just turned his head a little more to sink back into the pillow before he gave a little sigh. "Do you feel bad?" Mingyu asked, his smile turning into a frown rather quickly.

_ I'm sorry _ , he mouthed, keeping his gaze anywhere else.

"Hey, what's that for? You don't need to be sorry. It's not your fault," Mingyu reassured him, taking his hand. "I'll take care of you. We all will. You just have to let us know when something's wrong, or if you need anything. Okay?"

Minghao didn’t give any kind of response that time, he just kept his head and eyes where they were, looking at nothing in particular. Mingyu had to bite his lip to get it to stop quivering.

"Can you promise?" Mingyu murmured. Minghao just gave him a half-hearted nod, but it didn't seem to mean much.

Minghao was really bad at asking for help, or even accepting it. He didn’t like admitting when something was wrong, that was his biggest flaw. Mingyu remembered years ago, when Minghao had dislocated his knee during practice, he was extremely insistent that he could walk fine on his own and didn’t need help from anyone. It was a little ridiculous, sometimes. It’d gotten him into trouble several times before. 

He had a feeling that this time, things weren’t going to be much different.

Minghao suddenly pulled his phone out from under his pillow as the screen lit up, peeking through where it hadn’t been concealed completely. That was weird, he didn't normally keep it there. Mingyu had to narrow his eyes when he took it out from under there to check it.

There were a couple of messages from Junhui, it looked like.

"What'd Jun hyung text you?" Mingyu asked casually, but as soon as he did, Minghao shut off his phone and jerked away from him, his hand gripped tightly around his phone and his eyes untrusting like he was worried Mingyu would suddenly snatch it out of his hands.

Mingyu wasn't expecting that kind of reaction at all.

"I - sorry, I won't look. I'm sorry," he apologized, shrinking back a little.

He didn’t know what to do after that. Had they been talking about him? What would they be texting about that Minghao was so protective over, that he wouldn’t even let Mingyu catch a glimpse of?

“I have to, uh - I should go tell Jeonghan hyung you’re awake,” Mingyu told him as he climbed out of bed, and he immediately caught the regret in Minghao’s expression as his brow furrowed. But he didn’t say or do anything, neither of them did. Mingyu just left the room.

His heart ached when he left the room, angry with himself for leaving - Minghao wasn’t well. Mingyu might have just been petty, leaving like that, causing more stress for the latter, but he couldn’t bring himself to go back in.

Mingyu spotted Jeonghan and Junhui at the kitchen table, on opposite sides of it. Junhui was on his phone - probably texting Minghao, Mingyu thought, feeling himself get a bit angry at the thought, although he wasn’t too sure why. He tried to shake the thought out of his head as he entered the kitchen, smiling at Jeonghan when the latter noticed him. Junhui looked up, and put his phone to the side, but didn’t make eye contact with Mingyu.

"Good morning, Gyu. Did you sleep okay?" Jeonghan asked, motioning for him to sit at the table with the two of them. Mingyu was a little hesitant, but he sat with them anyway, keeping his gaze away from Junhui.

“I slept good, I think,” Mingyu murmured, eyeing Jeonghan’s coffee, which the latter graciously slid over to him so he could have a sip. Mingyu took it into his hands, enjoying the warmth of the mug for a moment before taking a few sips of it. “I don’t know about Minghao, though. I think he’s not feeling well.”

Jeonghan frowned, a little sigh escaping his lips. He didn’t say anything, Junhui didn’t either.

Mingyu wondered if they had been talking about something before he had come out. He highly doubted they were just sitting there in silence. Were they talking about what Junhui was texting Minghao about? Did it have something to do with Mingyu?

He watched Junhui pick up his phone again, and Mingyu chewed on his lip. He wasn’t sure why he was so angry, but he couldn’t stop himself from opening his mouth, even before Junhui had the chance to unlock his phone.

"What are you texting him about?" he asked him, a little ruder than he should have. He felt the tension rise around him following his question. Jeonghan didn’t say anything, and Mingyu didn’t look to him.

"What? Nothing," Junhui answered, his reply clearly scrambled, his tone a little shaky. That just made Mingyu even angrier. He put his phone away again, turning it to the screen was facing away. Clearly he had something to hide.

Mingyu huffed, placing the coffee mug back on the table. Junhui flinched at the found it made. "Yeah? Then how come he was hiding it from me?" he asked him, trying to keep his tone steady. He heard Jeonghan mumble something that sounded like Mingyu’s name, but he didn’t acknowledge it. He didn’t break eye contact with Junhui, who was clearly having a lot of trouble even doing that back.

"He's - he doesn't like people watching him text. You should know that," Junhui murmured. He took his hands off the table and underneath it, probably to fiddle with them. He always did that when he was nervous. "It's in Chinese anyway, you wouldn't have been able to read it," Junhui said gently, meant to be some sort of reassurance, but Mingyu didn’t hear it that way at all.

"So you  _ are  _ texting him." Mingyu snapped, standing up in some sort of attempt to look more intimidating, and it worked. Junhui did everything not to look in Mingyu’s direction. “Liar.”

"Mingyu, don't you dare speak to him like that. What's gotten into you?" Jeonghan snapped back. Mingyu immediately sat down.

They were all silent for a moment, Mingyu immediately embarrassed and regretting when he had just done. There wasn’t any reason for that, but it didn’t make sense that they were hiding it from him. Why couldn’t Mingyu know? He was Minghao’s best friend, too. It wasn’t fair.

Mingyu started chewing on his lip, his eyes focusing on the phone Junhui had left on the table instead of looking at Junhui. His voice started out soft. "I just - I hate being kept out of all this stuff. He's - he's my best friend, too,” he murmured with a little huff, “It's not fair, you just always just - sneak around with everything and -"

"Mingyu, it's not like that at all -" Junhui interrupted, his tone incredibly nervous now, but Mingyu slammed his fist on the table before he could continue. Junhui flinched back, nearly shrinking, this time. His eyes were wide.

"Yeah it is!” he snapped again, angry that Junhui wouldn’t look at him. “It always is, that's why Seungcheol hyung said we  _ all  _ speak Korean to each other-"

"Mingyu, enough! Where on earth did you think you could speak to him like that? You're not even giving him a chance." Jeonghan told him sternly. "What  _ you're  _ doing isn't fair. And how Minghao and Junhui speak to each other privately is none of your concern. Seungcheol made that rule for when we're all together. There's absolutely no problem with them texting each other in Chinese."

Mingyu started to chew his lip again. He knew that Jeonghan was right, but Mingyu was still jealous. It wasn’t fair. There wasn’t anything he could do about it - Minghao had relied on Junhui since he’d first arrived with them, they were from the same country, they spoke the same languages, and because of that, Mingyu would never have the same bond they did.

It wasn’t fair, but what he was doing wasn’t fair either. Junhui was shaking because of him, and Mingyu’s heart dropped at the realization.

"I was only asking him what his nightmare was about," Junhui murmured, his tone very quiet, his eyes at the table. Mingyu noticed his leg bouncing underneath the table.. "I didn't - I couldn't stress him out any further by making him explain something like that in Korean. It was easier for him in Chinese."

Mingyu sank back into his chair. He had really gotten worked up and jealous for no reason at all.

Minghao had every right to speak to Junhui in their native language. When Minghao was really overwhelmed, his brain wouldn’t function in Korean, it was frustrating for him to even speak full sentences, so he’d always go to Junhui. And it helped him. Joshua did the same thing with Hansol. Mingyu didn’t quite understand it, but he respected it. He would never make Minghao have a full conversation with him when he was overwhelmed like that, and he felt stupid for getting jealous over it when that’s all it was.

"He's not trying to keep anything from you, Gyu. If he could find the words in Korean to explain it to you, he would. It's just too much for him right now," Junhui told him gently, trying to comfort him even when Mingyu was the one who had just yelled at him. Mingyu finally made eye contact with him again. "I feel bad for making him talk about it in the first place. I’m worried he’s feeling worse because of me.”

“No - no, hyung, that’s not true,” Mingyu tried to assure him. “He - he needs to talk about that stuff. It’s good that you talked to him about it. I don’t - I don’t think he’d be feeling any better if you didn’t talk about it.”

Junhui didn’t look entirely convinced. He was still shaking, nervous.

Part of Mingyu wanted to ask him what Minghao had told him about the nightmare - he must have told Jeonghan - but Mingyu didn’t feel he deserved to hear it, at this point. He let his anger and jealousy get the best of him and he’d made everyone around him upset because of it.

“I’m sorry for being mean, hyung. I was just -”

“Worried. I know, trust me,” Junhui finished for him with a tiny nod. Mingyu nodded too, lowering his head, sitting in silence with the two of them for a little while longer.

* * *

"I think you need to chill with the back-to-back practices," Wonwoo said, his tone dry, saying exactly what Soonyoung had been thinking as he applied the athletic tape to the back of his neck.

Soonyoung watched Wonwoo from the practice room mirrors where they were sat in front of, where they had been messing around for about an hour or so. Seungkwan and Hansol were at the other end of the room, scrolling through their phones after Wonwoo called for a break, noticing Soonyoung’s neck was causing him pain. Chan was still asleep in one of the tents they’d set up, where they’d slept - they hadn’t slept overnight in the practice rooms in a long time, and it was fun, a good distraction.

"I know. I know," Soonyoung mumbled. "It just gives me something to do. And I feel like it's a good distraction for everyone else, too," he winced when Wonwoo turned his neck at an angle that was definitely too sore. Wonwoo noticed and put it back.

"Not for Mingyu," Wonwoo reminded him. Soonyoung nodded.

"Yeah, well, it won't work for everyone."

The thunder crashed overhead, causing all of them to look up. Half asleep Chan even poked his head out of the tent. That crash sounded particularly loud.

“Vernonie, can you check the weather app?” Soonyoung called to the latter, whose wide eyes went from looking at the ceiling to meeting Soonyoung’s gaze. Hansol didn’t like thunder. Soonyoung didn’t know if it scared him, or what exactly it was, but he took notice of how Hansol would tense up every time the thunder crashed, and put his headphones in if it got too loud.

“Storm advisory,” Seungkwan answered after a moment, a bit of stress in his tone, too. “It says thunderstorms all day.”

“All day?” Chan whined as he stepped outside of the tent, his hair pointed in a million different directions, his eyes hardly open yet.

“We should probably head home, then,” Wonwoo said as he finished up applying the tape. Soonyoung relaxed, thanking Wonwoo with a high-five, which the latter mistook for help off the floor. Soonyoung took it anyway. “The power here always goes out with nasty storms.”

“Oh, shouldn’t we tell Jihoon hyung? If he’s working on the computer,” Seungkwan said as he stood, Hansol following.

“He left this morning with Seungcheol hyung. I saw them leave,” Wonwoo told them. “I’m pretty sure he always saves his stuff, but I’ll go check,” he said, disappearing down the hall to Jihoon’s recording studio.

“What’d they leave so early for?” Chan asked, patting down his hair in the mirror. Soonyoung wanted to get onto him for doing that instead of taking down the tent - it had been Chan’s idea to put it up, after all - but he decided not to. Maybe they would use it again tonight.

“Seungcheol hyung’s going to meetings today, isn’t he?” Seungkwan asked, his tone a little nervous. “About, the...the poison situation?”

“I think you’re right. He said something about talking to the police and the music show staff,” Soonyoung replied, chewing at his lip. That sounded scary and intimidating, and he knew Seungcheol wasn’t in the best mental state recently. He hoped Jihoon had gone with him - he couldn’t do that alone.

He waited at the practice room entrance with his backpack as the three youngest gathered their things and came over, too. They all looked sad, a little nervous, too. They always fed off of each other’s energies, and they all had the same expression on their faces.

Soonyoung absorbed that energy too, frowning along with them. He didn’t know what to think, really. He wanted Minghao to get better, he wanted his poisoner to get caught and get what they deserved - it was a feeling of deep sadness and anger at the same time, a feeling that gave him a headache to truly take in. He saw what it was doing Seungcheol, and he couldn’t have that happen to him too. So he tried to ignore it as best he could. Distract himself.

“Hey, kids?” Soonyoung said. All three pairs of eyes met his. “Thanks for practicing with us. I love you guys.”

He watched how Seungkwan immediately started to tear up, earning an endearing slap on the shoulder from Hansol, who was smiling at him, and a giggle from Chan. "Don't laugh! I'm emotional!" Seungkwan defended, leaning forward to bury his face in Soonyoung’s chest and cry. Soonyoung smiled fondly as Hansol and Chan did the same, but Soonyoung couldn’t fight back his tears either, and before he knew it, he was crying into Seungkwan’s shoulder.

“Should I call Seokmin too?” Soonyoung heard Wonwoo say behind him with a little giggle, opening the door they’d been standing in front of from the other side.

“Maybe you should!” Seungkwan whined.

Soonyoung felt Wowoo join in from behind him. Maybe he wasn’t crying like the two of them, but he felt his warmth, felt that he needed it too - and Hansol and Chan joined with them. Soonyoung felt a little ridiculous for a second, crying at the center of a five-person group hug, but he needed it. They all did. They were all sad and angry, overwhelmed by those feelings, too.

He was really glad he wasn’t alone in it. Even if it was hard to push those feelings away, it was comforting to know that he wasn’t alone in it.

They called their manager for a ride home, none of them wanting to bother with the short walk home in the pouring rain. Soonyoung frowned, looking up at the sky, filled with black, angry clouds. It had been raining on and off for a few days, but not like this. This was turning into a bad storm.

He felt Seungkwan squeeze his hand when they got into the car, looking out the window with him, too. He hoped that storm wasn’t some sort of sign, and maybe Seungkwan was hoping that, too.

The drive was short as always, and they were all happy to be home, all headed to their own rooms. Seungkwan held his hand up until he headed to his own room, parting ways with Sonyoung with another tight hug.

Jeonghan was on the couch, Seokmin cuddled up next to him, fast asleep. They were watching some sort of cooking show. Soonyoung smiled at the sight, but frowned when he saw Jeonghan’s expression - forcing a smile up at Soonyoung, but looking exhausted. Soonyoung wanted to hug him, but he decided to just drop his things and sit at the coffee table across from him.

"Hey, Soonie. How's everything?" Jeonghan asked him, rubbing at his eyes. He looked like he was close to falling asleep too, Soonyoung felt a little bad for delaying his rest.

"Good, good,” Soonyoung nodded. “We took Seungcheol hyung to eat last night. I think it did him some good," Soonyoung told him, "he slept all night with Jihoonie in the studio. They were so cute."

He watched Jeonghan smile fondly. “I’m glad you all did that with him. I’m sure he needed it,” he said, his smile fading after a few seconds. “Did you guys sleep in the practice rooms?” Jeonghan asked, a brow raised.

“Oh, yeah. We haven’t done it in a long time. It was fun,” Soonyoung smiled. “Channie put up the tent and we played some practice games. I wish everyone could’ve been there,” his smile stayed strong through the end of his sentence, but as soon as he put that idea in his head, he imagined Minghao there, too. Minghao laughing and smiling with them.

“We’ll have to do that, some time,” Jeonghan said with a little nod, patting down Seokmin’s hair when the latter cuddled in a little closer to him.

"How's Hao doing?" Soonyoung asked, chewing at his lip, hoping he’d get a good answer - but Jeonghan’s frown wasn’t a good sign.

Jeonghan sighed. "Not too great, today. His fever won’t break. He hasn't even gotten out of bed, poor thing,” he said, the sadness only growing on his features as his eyes became a little unfocused, drifting off somewhere. “Joshua and Junhui are with him, right now.”

Soonyoung's heart hurt. “Is he not getting better?” he asked. He hadn’t truly spent any time with Minghao since the surgeries, he’d been told to give him space - but Mingyu said he seemed a little better. Why wasn’t he getting better?

“I don’t think so. We’re paying close attention to how he’s doing, but it seems like...he’s getting worse, honestly,” Jeonghan murmured, nearly stammering through the end of his sentence like he didn’t want to say it. Soonyoung leaned forward to take his hand. “Cheol and Jihoonie went together, to talk to the police and everything...I - I’m scared for him, Soonyoung. I don’t know what to think. There’s just so much going on, and…”

“Hyung, we just gotta stay strong for him,” Soonyoung told him, squeezing his hand a little tighter, trying to catch his gaze. “Don’t think too much. Just stay strong.”

Jeonghan gave him a tiny smile, a fond one, genuine this time. “What would I do without you kids, really…” he watched Jeonghan frown again as soon as he noticed the tape on the back of Soonyoung’s neck, reaching out for it. Soonyoung took his hand and lowered it back down, giving him a reassuring smile that he was fine. And he really was Jeonghan didn’t need to worry about him too.

Soonyoung’s head shot up when he heard a door open - the one to Minghao’s room, revealing Joshua peeking through. “Hannie? It’s time for Minghao’s medicine,” he said meekly, smiling at Soonyoung when he saw him.

Jeonghan looked exhausted, nearly pushing himself off of the couch before Soonyoung stood up instead. “I’ll get it. Where is it? The medicine cabinet?” he asked, getting a thankful smile from Jeonghan.

“Mhm, there’s a little basket with all his medications. They’re all separated by am, noon and pm. He needs the noon, now,” he told him, and Soonyoung nodded, heading over to the kitchen before signaling Joshua that he’d be right there, and the latter disappeared back into Minghao’s room.

Soonyoung opened the cabinet, finding a little basket in the bottom corner with a decorated index card featuring Minghao’s name in the middle. Soonyoung smiled at it and took it out, impressed with how organized it was. He took out the four pills in the noon section for that day, poured a glass of water, and headed over to Minghao’s room.

He wasn’t entirely sure why he was so nervous. He missed Minghao, a lot, but he was scared to see him. He opened the door, peering inside.

Minghao was propped up in his bed with a stack of pillows behind his back, a cooling patch on his forehead, his skin pale but a little flushed. He looked tired, but sad, mostly. Soonyoung’s heart sank. He never liked seeing him any sort of sad, but this made it so much worse. He had a whiteboard in his lap that he was in the middle of erasing, the same one he’d used at the hospital to talk to them.

He was hoping Minghao would smile when he saw him, but his eyes just widened a little. Soonyoung didn’t hold it against him. He probably didn’t have the energy to smile.

Junhui was sitting beside him, and Joshua more towards the other end of the bed, facing the two of them. Soonyoung wondered what they had been talking about, but he decided he wouldn’t ask. Junhui and Joshua both smiled at him, though.

"Hi,” Soonyoung said a little shyly, unsure what else to say as he approached the bed. He felt a little awkward, almost like he was intruding on something with people he didn’t know, but that was just his introverted brain talking. He gave Minghao a smile when he sat at the bed with them. “Hi, Hao...sorry I haven't been here," he said softly as he offered Minghao the glass and medicine. He didn’t take it at first, but he did when Junhui encouraged him, albeit a little reluctantly. Soonyoung was sure he was tired of taking pills all the time.

Minghao took all four at once, with the smallest sip of water possible. Soonyoung took the glass back, almost not wanting to, but figuring that maybe he wasn’t feeling well enough to drink more. Soonyoung hoped he had enough water today already. He didn’t want him to be dehydrated on top of everything.

Minghao took his whiteboard and started writing something down, Soonyoung took that time to place the glass on his nightstand, knowing Minghao didn’t like people watching him write.

Minghao held the whiteboard out to him after a few seconds of him scribbling something down.

_ It’s okay. I missed you though _

_ Also, don’t worry, Jun’s making sure I’m drinking enough water _

Soonyoung smiled at the both of them, amused that Minghao seemed to read his mind from that. He was pretty good at that, especially with Soonyoung. “How can you read my mind even when you’re like this? You need to save that brainpower for recovering,” Soonyoung told him playfully, reaching forward to ruffle his hair. 

Minghao flinched at first, almost like he was afraid that Soonyoung would hit him - the way an abused dog would flinch when touched, almost - it nearly scared Soonyoung into flinching too, but Junhui took Minghao’s hand as some sort of reassurance, which didn’t seem to work, but Minghao forced a smile, anyway.

He’d never seen Minghao do that before. He was starting to worry a lot more.

“Hansol sent me pictures of the tent in the practice room. I’m a little offended you didn’t invite me,” Joshua said, a little too obviously trying to change the subject, but convincingly enough that Soonyoung’s attention was on him.

“Well, delinquents who skip out on practice miss out on the fun, too,” Soonyoung joked, getting a little pout from Joshua.

“You put up the tents?” Junhui asked, and Minghao’s interest seemed to be peaked, too. Soonyoung pulled out his phone to show them the pictures, too - he didn’t take a ton, but he did take some for the memories.

“Just one, but it was big enough for all five of us. Seungcheol hyung and Jihoonie slept in the studio,” he said, smiling at Junhui’s reaction in particular, who looked very surprised they’d done that at all. “I was telling Jeonghan hyung about how we all have to do that together again soon. It was really fun.” 

Junhui nodded enthusiastically. Junhui always loved doing that when they were trainees, even when the rest of them hated it.

Soonyoung heard the thunder crash from the window, getting a surprised flinch from Junhui, who was sitting right by it.

"I wanted to take you out today. There’s this new designer store I went to with Hansolie, he kept pointing out things you’d like,” Soonyoung told Minghao, careful not to reach out again as he did before, even though he really wanted to hold his hand, “but it's been storming so bad," Soonyoung murmured.

The expression on Minghao’s face was a mixture of fond and sad - not quite a smile, but almost there. He took his whiteboard to write something down again.

_ I don't think I could've gone out today anyway _

Soonyoung frowned, his heart sinking. He was jumping ahead. He wanted nothing more than to try to get Minghao to smile, he wanted to take him places he liked and do fun things with him, but Minghao was nowhere near ready to do that. Jeonghan said he hadn’t even gotten out of bed yet.

“I wanna come too, whenever you two go,” Joshua said, trying to lighten the mood a little bit. Soonyoung nodded at him. "I need to update my closet anyway. I keep taking Minghao's clothes."

Soonyoung expected Minghao to give some kind of reaction, but his eyes were at the window, now, watching the rain hit it, completely still when it thundered again, even when Junhui flinched beside him like a scared kitten.

It seemed strange, off, almost. But Soonyoung decided that maybe he was just trying to distract himself, too.

* * *

"This storm is nasty," Mingyu murmured. Wonwoo knew he wasn't particularly fond of thunder. Living in a multi-level apartment, they usually didn't hear much of it, but today, it was bad. It felt like it was shaking the apartment complex, and Mingyu clearly didn't like that at all.

"Put in some headphones. You'll be fine," Wonwoo told him as he came back from grabbing the glass of water Jeonghan had asked him for. Mingyu just whined in response.

They were all sat in the living room - Jeonghan and Seokmin on the couch, Mingyu and Soonyoung on the floor, playing with one of Wonwoo's kitten puzzles on the coffee table, Wonwoo still standing as he handed Jeonghan his water. The three youngest were downstairs playing on the Switch on the other TV, Junhui was in his room, and Joshua was still with Minghao.

They hadn't heard from Jihoon and Seungcheol in a while. Jeonghan had mentioned he was nervous about it, but he tried not to bring it up around the kids - they didn't need the extra stress. Soonyoung was so overwhelmed he was stressing over a kitten puzzle, after all.

"I'm worried about the power. Remember that time the whole block lost it?" Soonyoung mumbled, looking a little frustrated with the puzzle piece he was holding before eventually, Seokmin leaned over to find the place for it.

"Our building has a backup generator, we'll be fine," Jeonghan assured him through a yawn.

"But those things don't last forever, do they?" Mingyu murmured back, sounding a little nervous, too.

Jeonghan shrugged, curling up next to Seokmin. "Honestly, I don't know. But lots of people live here, they wouldn't let us go without power for too long. At least, I don't think."

They were quiet again, for a while. Wonwoo watched Mingyu, Seokmin and Soonyoung collectively flinch each time the thunder crashed - none of them had a true fear of it, but it seemed to be more out of surprise that it was so loud. Wonwoo tried to focus on whatever Jeonghan had put on the TV, but the static took over the screen at times, and he couldn't help but wonder if the storm was trying to tell them something. It was making him nervous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (insert eyes emoji)
> 
> honestly while writing this & the next chapter i started getting really insecure abt the fic for some reason and almost dropped it lol. im so grateful for all the love yall are giving this fic i swear i cry every time i see a comment and it really keeps me going, truly, thank you so so much. im excited to post the next chapter hehe (;
> 
> also tell me your predictions for what'll happen next based on all this...I'm super curious lol


	8. even my memories are being colored

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonwoo was usually the rational one. The one who always knew what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooooohoo! hello! im sorry for the short break, i recently started a new job so i don't have too much time to write! but fear not, i won't abandon the fic~ thank you all so much for your support TT TT
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect.  
it's just fiction! <3

Wonwoo saw the door to Minghao's room open, revealing Joshua poking his head through, signaling for Jeonghan to come over, which Jeonghan didn't hesitate for a moment to do, no matter how tired he looked. The other three all lifted their heads and worriedly looked over, but Jeonghan motioned for them to stay. Wonwoo, however, followed, which Jeonghan didn't protest to.

Jeonghan disappeared into the room and Wonwoo followed, at first, just poking his head through the doorway.

Joshua sat at the edge of the bed, a hand on Minghao's back, looking insanely concerned. Minghao was slightly hunched over, an arm around his middle, really just looking sick. His breathing was heavy, like he was trying to regulate the nausea he must've been feeling, but it didn't seem to be working.

"Are you feeling sick, Hao?" Jeonghan asked him gently, lowering his head so he could level with Minghao's gaze, but Minghao turned his head away. Jeonghan prompted to sit on the other side of him instead.

He was flinching away from Joshua's touch, ducking his head a little more as Jeonghan got closer to him, both of which seemed very out of character for him. Of course, Minghao didn't like the others seeing him sick, but he was never like this. He didn't outwardly reject help like that, especially in his current condition, he didn't flinch away from people touching him like that.

It almost looked like a panic attack, the way he was breathing, Wonwoo realized. He came in and closed the door behind him, unsure what to do.

Very suddenly, Minghao leaned forward over the side of his bed, and threw up over the edge of it.

Jeonghan was very quick, almost stumbling in an effort to grab the little trash bin beside Minghao’s desk, to hold under the latter’s chin. He had definitely been expecting that to happen, but he still looked stunned, worried. A lot more awake than he looked before, for sure.

He didn't really have anything to bring up after a few seconds - he probably hadn't really eaten anything, so at this point, it was just unproductive, painful gags and dry heaves that left him nearly in tears.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart," Jeonghan cooed softly, tucking some of his hair behind his ears. Wonwoo noticed how red they'd gotten, how even though he didn't seem to have the energy to, he was flinching away from Jeonghan, too, looking cornered when he remembered Joshua was on the other side of him.

It seemed to overwhelm him to the point where he didn't bother anymore, and he turned to curl into Jeonghan, burying his face into his shoulder to hide. He was shaking like a leaf, quivering from oncoming tears, whimpering, breaking Wonwoo's heart. It was really looking like a panic attack to him, but he wasn't sure if that was because he was feeling sick, or something else. He wanted to walk forward to comfort him too, it made him so sad to watch, but he didn't want to risk overwhelming him even more.

"Oh, I know, baby,” Jeonghan said quietly, pulling Minghao a little closer after placing the bin back on the floor, being extra careful with him, "you've been doing so well. It's okay to cry, I know it hurts," he told him, slipping a hand under his shirt to rub circles into his lower back. "You're so warm..."

Minghao didn't seem to have the strength to hold himself up anymore, his breaths heavy and forced. He pulled himself away from Jeonghan to curl back into his bed, taking his blanket and pulling it up to cover most of his head. Jeonghan looked more scared than worried, now.

Mingyu and Junhui suddenly appeared behind him, both looking worried out of their minds. Mingyu was looking for answers from Wonwoo as Junhui stepped forward, looking like he wanted to help.

"Hyung…" Junhui murmured to Jeonghan quietly, looking to him for answers. Wonwoo could tell by the look they were giving each other that they knew something he didn't - but now wasn't the time to ask about it.

"Kids, I don't want to overwhelm him more," he told them carefully, his nice way of saying that they couldn't all be in there, especially with how Minghao was reacting to just Jeonghan and Joshua around him. "He'll be okay," he told them, and with some hesitance, Mingyu took Junhui out of the room.

"Should I get anything?" Wonwoo asked. Jeonghan shook his head, and although he seemed thankful to Wonwoo for asking, he probably just wanted to get Minghao calm as soon as he could.

And with that, Wonwoo reluctantly left the room.

* * *

Wonwoo sat on the couch with Mingyu for a while, watching Seokmin and Soonyoung trying to complete his puzzle. Junhui had gone to his room. None of them said anything to each other, not even when Joshua came out to join them on the couch.

Wonwoo tried his very best to comfort Mingyu, who looked to be nearly in tears the entire time they sat there. He could only wonder what he was thinking about, Mingyu didn't make any effort to talk about it. He knew how worried he'd been, he saw how Mingyu would leave all of their activities early even when Jeonghan told them to give Minghao space. Wonwoo just sat with him, held his hand, dozing off as he watched whatever played on the TV screen.

It was probably about an hour until Jeonghan appeared from the room. He looked absolutely drained.

Joshua almost gave up his spot on the couch for the latter, but Jeonghan pulled him back down as Joshua got up, leaning his head on his shoulder.

Jeonghan pulled his phone out for a moment, and he watched him write a text in their group chat - probably so everyone would see it, so he wouldn't have to say it more than once.

Jeonghan [2:47pm]

_ I think we’ll need to take Minghao back to the hospital today. I'm giving him some time to rest first. _

He put his phone away with a heavy sigh, and melted into Joshua's side.

Soonyoung and Seokmin tried at some light-hearted conversation after a while, Mingyu eventually joining in, going back to their puzzle too. Wonwoo watched Joshua and Jeonghan - Jeonghan looked like he couldn't do it anymore, like he didn't even have the heart to get off the couch. He just looked so _ sad. _Joshua comforted him carefully, playing with his hair, until eventually, he seemed to fall asleep. 

"I'm gonna go find Junnie," Wonwoo told them after a while as he stood, a little worried that Junhui never appeared again after leaving Minghao's room.

He headed over to his, Seungkwan and Chan's room - the two younger were in the other dorm, that was probably why Junhui had gone in there to hide.

Wonwoo opened the door, and his heart lifted a tiny bit when he finally saw Junhui, but it sank right back down when he took notice at just how drained he looked. How sad his expression was. Arguably more so than Jeonghan's.

“Hi, Junnie,” Wonwoo greeted him. “Can I come in?”

Junhui looked up from his phone and immediately nodded, closing out of whatever he was doing and placing it on his nightstand.

“You okay?” Wonwoo asked, taking a seat on the bed with him, leaned against the wall beside him, careful not to touch him if that's not what he wanted. He felt stupid asking that when he knew the answer - Junhui was nearly sick with worry for Minghao, he had been ever since everything happened. But he seemed worse right now, and Wonwoo was worried that his anxiety was involved, this time.

“Hao told me about his nightmare,” Junhui said quietly, leaning against Wonwoo’s shoulder when he sat beside him.

“Yeah?” Wonwoo said. He didn’t want to push to ask what it was about, but he did want to know. He'd heard Mingyu and Jeonghan mention it. He’d let Junhui decide whether he’d tell or not.

“We talked about it last night. Texting," he murmured. "It was...a lot, but,” he started, "the basics were like...it was that we poisoned him to get rid of him, and that we were trying to keep him in the hospital to...to finish him off. So we...we try not to mention any hospital stuff."

Wonwoo chewed his lip. He'd never heard the true details of Minghao's nightmares, but he'd seen how he had reacted to them before, how badly they affected him. It must've been really bad.

His behavior was starting to make sense, too. How he didn't want anyone touching him, why he was getting so overwhelmed. “He knows that’s not true, though, right? Did you talk to him about it?” he asked, instead of further stressing Junhui with what he was thinking.

“I don’t know. I think he’s really...really confused, and scared.” Junhui said with a shaky breath. Wonwoo definitely agreed, he was glad Junhui saw that too. “I’m so worried. I don’t know how to comfort him, or, convince him or anything. I’m scared that he’s - he’s feeling this bad because I made him talk about it, he wasn't… he wasn't this confused before, Wonwoo," Junhui mumbled.

"Are you still texting him?" Wonwoo asked with a frown.

"He hasn't responded since after I left his room," Junhui said, opening his phone again to check for a response, but there didn't seem to be any new notifications. He heard him swallow nervously, his breaths start to speed up a bit. He was very clearly growing anxious. "and...I know we probably should take him to the hospital, but I’m so worried about taking him back there after his nightmare-”

“Hey, don’t work yourself up," he told him gently as he took his hand, using his other to run his hands through Junhui's hair.

"I'm so worried," Junhui told him as he leaned closer, his breathing only getting worse as he worked himself up into an anxiety attack. Wonwoo took both of his hands, carefully as not to startle him. “I’m so...I’m just so worried about him,” he repeated, his words a little choked, like he wasn’t finding room to breathe.

"Breathe with me, Junnie," he told him, making his own breaths a little louder so that Junhui could try to match them. He was really trying, squeezing Wonwoo’s hands as he did.

Wonwoo was thankful it didn't take Junhui too long to get his breathing steady again, but the overwhelmed feeling seemed to slowly melt into exhaustion, the grip on Wonwoo's hands getting a little weaker.

He sat with him for a little while as Junhui melted forward into his chest, his breaths much slower, now. Wonwoo held him close. He was worried for him, too. Junhui wasn't the type to hide when something was wrong, not like Minghao. If he needed help, he'd look for it, even if that was just sitting beside someone.

Wonwoo was watching their oldest fall apart, one by one. Seungcheol's anxiety had gotten so bad that he couldn't go anywhere alone. Joshua was having a really hard time handling everything that had happened just on the first day. Jeonghan was too exhausted to even get off the couch without help. Junhui was getting so worked up he needed to be reminded how to breathe. Soonyoung wasn't as bad as the rest of them, but he'd overworked himself with practice as a distraction so much that he'd messed up his neck.

Wonwoo really hoped he wasn't next.

“I think you should get some rest. I’m guessing you didn’t sleep either, if you were up talking to Hao," Wonwoo told him gently.

"Can you lay with me?" Junhui murmured, flashing him a pair of tired puppy eyes.

"I'm gonna go eat something first, then I'll come back to lay with you. Is that okay?" Wonwoo asked him. Junhui nodded. "Okay. I'll be back in a bit," he said with a fond smile as his hands slipped from Junhui's, and he left the room.

Wonwoo didn't really have the energy himself to make anything extravagant, so he just decided to heat up some ramen he'd left in the fridge. Mingyu had made it for him a few days ago, and somehow, it still tasted good after being refrigerated and heated up again.

He waited for it to cool down a bit, and decided to pull out his phone, seeing the notification from Jeonghan's earlier message. He opened it so that it would disappear from his notification, but something felt off.

Wonwoo raised a brow. Jeonghan had made a separate group chat without Minghao to talk about things like this - it was easier than going around and individually telling everyone. He'd made a separate one without Seungcheol, too, because of how he'd been handling everything - Jeonghan preferred to call him, or tell him face to face if something was going on. But he was pretty sure this was their regular group chat, the one with all thirteen of them, and when he went back to check who the members were, he was right. Minghao was in this one. Seungcheol too.

That wasn't good. Junhui had told Wonwoo that they were keeping the hospital talk away from Minghao because of his nightmare. But here, Jeonghan had basically told Minghao they were taking him back there. Minghao, who was already so confused, almost paranoid.

“Hyung?” Wonwoo started as he wandered into the living room, leaving his ramen in the kitchen. “You sent this message in the wrong chat.”

Jeonghan opened his eyes from the half-nap he was taking to look up at Wonwoo with confusion. "What message?" he asked, his voice quiet.

"The one about taking him to the hospital. You sent it in our regular chat, the one with all of us," he told him, looking at the message on his phone again.

Jeonghan gave a little sigh. "I did?" he murmured, sounding annoyed with himself. "I have to call Jihoon...make sure Seungcheol didn't see…" he mumbled as he pulled his phone out. He watched him tap the message to check who had seen it. "Cheol hasn't...Minghao saw it."

Wonwoo was already on his way to Minghao's room, which he heard Jeonghan protest to, telling him to not worry about it and just let him rest. He knew Minghao wasn't resting. If he'd seen the message, that couldn't have been a good thing at all.

He opened the door slowly, poking his head in and meekly calling Minghao's name.

But Minghao wasn't on his bed. Wonwoo had nearly mistaken the stack of pillows they'd propped him up on for him, but he wasn't there.

He walked further into the room, pulling up the blanket in case he missed something. He hadn't. There wasn't any sign of him there. There was his phone, but that was it.

Wonwoo was starting to feel sick to his stomach, his heart pounding in his chest. Minghao's room was small, he couldn't have been hiding in there, but he checked anyway. Anywhere he could fit himself, but he was nowhere to be found. 

Minghao wasn’t in his room anymore, he was sure of that. But it didn't make sense. If he left his room, someone would have had to have seen him. It didn't make sense otherwise.

“Did anyone see Minghao leave his room?” he asked nervously as he let the room, his tone a little shaky, startled at how they all stared at him as soon as he left the room. He could watch the concern grow on each one of their faces.

Jeonghan's in particular. His eyes were wide, too wide, deer-in-the-headlights, almost. It nearly made Wonwoo uncomfortable to look at.

“Maybe he’s in the restroom,” Mingyu said, already standing up to go look.

"But we would've seen him leave him room," Seokmin murmured nervously, standing as well, starting to scan the living room for any sign of the latter. Jeonghan was still staring at Wonwoo, like he wasn't believing what he'd just told him.

"He's not in there," Mingyu mumbled, standing in the doorway of the bathroom, his frown growing, brow furrowing. Wonwoo’s breaths were getting caught in his chest. He mirrored Mingyu’s expression as he met his gaze.

“Where could he have gone?” Jeonghan stammered, shakily standing. He sounded like he wasn't breathing right either. “Without anyone seeing him? That doesn’t make any sense. One of us would have seen him leave."

Wonwoo wandered back into Minghao's room as the others started to discuss where he could be, and he felt a chill that sent a shiver down his spine. He lifted his gaze to see what it could be coming from.

Wonwoo realized Minghao’s window was open. He hadn't noticed that. He hadn't noticed the rain coming in, sprinkling the bed, lightly enough to where he might not have noticed it the first time.

He stuck his head out to look down, taking in a long, shaky breath when he saw the fire escape.

He couldn't have left through the fire escape. He couldn't have possibly had the energy or coordination to do that. And Minghao hated heights, he’d heard him mention how much the fire escape freaked him out, how he’d rather take his chances with the actual stairs in case of a fire. His room was eight floors up, he wouldn't ever escape through there, especially not in his condition. But it was the only thing that made sense. Why else would the window be open?

Wonwoo walked back out, and it seemed the look on his face was telling that he had found something. They all went quiet.

"His window's open," he murmured. Jeonghan’s hands flew up to his mouth.

"What?" Mingyu said, like his brain couldn’t fully process what he was being told, what was being suggested to him.

"The window’s - the fire escape. I don't…" Wonwoo couldn't find his words. He didn't know how to explain it to them, he wasn't sure he wanted to say it out loud.

He just barely caught sight of Jeonghan's eyes rolling back out of his peripheral as his knees buckled beneath him, bringing him to the floor beside the couch. Seokmin and Joshua immediately flocked to him, Joshua holding him up - Wonwoo's breath was really caught in his throat this time, but Jeonghan's eyes were open again - staring, as if he couldn't entirely process what Wonwoo had told him either.

He must have fainted, and the thought startled Wonwoo, but he was understanding why. He couldn't handle what he was being told. That Minghao was missing, he'd gone through the fire escape out into a storm despite how ill he was, because of a mistake Jeonghan had made.

Minghao could be anywhere. He was really sick, sick enough for Jeonghan to consider taking him back to the hospital, but he was out in that storm. Anywhere. They didn't have any idea where he was, and they had no way of contacting him. He'd left his phone in his room. 

"Hannie, we'll find him. He couldn't have gone far," Joshua told him as he and Seokmin helped him back onto the couch.

"But, he...we don't know when he left, I…" Jeonghan murmured. His tone was flat, but Wonwoo watched his tears start to pour. He could see in his face that he wasn’t fully processing what was happening. Didn’t want to.

“Start looking. Check - check the rooms, downstairs. And the building, first,” Joshua told the four of them very sternly as he held Jeonghan close to him. Wonwoo understood wanting to check everything else first, not wanting to believe that Minghao had really escaped through the fire escape, but Wonwoo genuinely believed he wasn’t in the building.

As Mingyu and Seokmin started to search the rest of the dorm, Soonyoung pulled on Wonwoo’s sleeve and led him over to Junhui’s room - Wonwoo had nearly forgotten he’d promised to come lay with him. He didn’t want to tell him this. He was dealing with so much already, this would make everything so much worse.

He listened to Soonyoung tell Junhui what was going on, watched how his eyes grew wild, watched a panic attack unfold right in front of him within seconds. It was bound to happen, with news like this, with how he almost broke before.

“Junhui - Junhui, breathe. We’ll find him. He couldn’t have gone far, I don’t think,” Wonwoo stumbled to get to the bed so he could hold him, tried to comfort him, but really, he had no idea. Minghao could be quite literally, anywhere. He could be in someone’s closet, he could be on a bus taking him far out of the city. He was very sick, clearly paranoid - whatever decision he was making certainly couldn’t be a grounded one. “Junnie, you need to breathe. Please. Breathe with me.”

Junhui was very clearly trying too, but it almost sounded painful to even try. Junhui had done so well with controlling his anxiety throughout all of this. It didn’t surprise Wonwoo that he’d break, now.

“Soonyoung, please stay with him,” Wonwoo murmured. He didn’t want to leave Junhui, alone, but he wanted Soonyoung’s help in the search - but he just couldn’t have both.

“Tell us if you find him,” Soonyoung almost begged, his voice shaky with tears too as he looked up at him.

“Of course - of course I will.”

Wonwoo didn’t really think from there on out, he just ran down the stairs of their apartment complex without even an umbrella, and suddenly out in the empty streets, screaming Minghao’s name.

* * *

Jihoon hadn’t left Seungcheol’s side since what had happened yesterday. He had argued with several staff to let him stay when Seungcheol didn’t have the heart to, and through most of it, they let him, but not this one. He’d been forced to sit out in the hallway, leaving Seungcheol alone with a bunch of important people in a situation that would surely leave him feeling anxious.

Seungcheol’s phone died that morning, so Jihoon sat near an outlet along the wall outside of the meeting room, charging it for him now that he finally had the chance. He’d been grumbling to himself ever since they shut the door, probably ten minutes ago. He didn’t have any idea how long it would last, but he’d have to push through it until it was over.

He frowned at Jeonghan’s message that appeared again when Seungcheol’s phone came back on. Jihoon had seen it already, but he hadn’t heard any update. He didn’t want to tell Seungcheol until they had a definitive answer on if they were taking Minghao back there, so he made sure to delete the message from the chat on Seungcheol’s phone.

He heard his phone start to ring as soon as he had that thought.

Joshua. That was weird. Why was Joshua calling him?

“Yeah?” Jihoon said as he picked up the phone, his eyes scanning the hallway to make sure no one was there. He wasn’t entirely sure why he did that, though.

“Jihoonie? Are you with Seungcheol?” Joshua asked. His voice was quiet, he sounded nervous. Jihoon didn’t like that at all.

“No, they wouldn’t let me in for this meeting. I’m in the hallway,” Jihoon told him with a disgruntled sigh, still a little annoyed with that. “Why? I guess you don’t want him to hear whatever you’re about to tell me.”

“No, not really,” Joshua murmured after a brief pause, “we, um. I don’t know how to say this without it sounding insane. We lost Minghao.”

Jihoon’s brain froze for a moment, staring at the other wall after he heard that. What the hell did that mean? Lost him how? “Joshua - like -”

“No, wait, like, we actually lost him. We don’t know where he is,” Joshua told him, and Jihoon let go of the breath he was holding, but that certainly didn’t help his confusion at all. It made it worse. “I can’t - it’s a long story, but Wonwoo thinks he left from the fire escape. His window was open. He’s not anywhere in the dorms. The kids are out looking for him. I have to stay here with Hannie, he’s not well.”

“Jesus christ, Joshua,” Jihoon huffed, having trouble taking in everything that he had just been told. That didn’t seem real at all, it sounded like Joshua was messing with him, but he knew he wasn’t. Joshua wouldn’t make this up.

“Yeah. I know,” he murmured back with a shaky sigh. “I just...I wanted to tell you. I’ll update you if anything happens, but...yeah.”

Jihoon chewed at his lip. He hoped Minghao was okay, that he wasn’t putting himself in any danger. He didn’t have any idea what he would do something like that for, but he’d get an explanation later. He just needed him to be okay. “Is Jeonghan okay?” he asked nervously.

“He’s -” Joshua paused, as if unsure how to explain. “It’s a lot. He’s been headed down the same road as Seungcheol. This definitely made it worse.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Jihoon frowned. He was seeing the signs of it, he was sure Joshua had too. "Should I...I definitely shouldn't tell Cheol about this, then, huh."

“Yeah, not until we find him, at least," Joshua told him. "I'm gonna go, I need to be available if they text or call me anything. But I'll update you as soon as we find him."

"Okay. Good...good luck, I guess. Fuck," Jihoon huffed, still bewildered by what he had just been told. "I'll see you later, then."

"Yeah. Love you, Jihoonie," Joshua murmured.

"I love you too."

And they hung up.

Jihoon sat there for a few minutes, thinking of the multitude of places Minghao could be, even while not knowing why he had left in the first place. It really sounded like some sort of sick joke, but he knew it wasn’t.

His brain was screaming at him to go help them find him - but his heart told him he needed to stay with Seungcheol. He couldn't leave him, he was in such an awful mental state - he had no idea how bad it would be once Seungcheol got out of the meeting. He couldn’t leave him, he couldn’t.

But his instinct overtook his rationality, and he was already on his feet and out the door, leaving Seungcheol’s phone plugged into the outlet in the hallway.

* * *

Wonwoo was soaked by the time he got to their practice rooms.

No one was there - not staff, not anyone, it seemed, due to the storm. The power in the practice rooms had the tendency to go out pretty quickly, they probably didn’t want to bother with it if the members weren’t going to come in anyway.

Maybe Minghao knew that. Maybe that’s where he had gone in to hide.

Wonwoo had completely forgotten his phone was in his pocket on his way over. It was only about a ten minute trip, but it was absolutely pouring outside, Wonwoo’s clothes were completely soaked through, which didn’t bother him as much as it should - but his phone was just as soaked. It wasn’t turning on - it was time for him to switch his anyway, maybe for a waterproof phone, but he needed it now. What if he found Minghao? What would he do without a working phone?

He nearly slipped as he stepped further inside, cursing under his breath. He’d initially thought it was just from himself, but he was pretty sure he was seeing a trail in front of him, from someone who was just as soaked as he was, walking down the hall.

That had to be Minghao. He decided that, even with his glasses sprinkled with dots of water, making it hard to tell. It had to be him, there wasn’t any other explanation for that.

Wonwoo ran forward, even if it increased his chances of slipping, down to the end of the hallway where their practice room was. That’s where the trail was leading.

He opened the door, and the lights were left on, but he didn’t see Minghao right away like he was hoping. His heart was pounding in his chest as he followed the trail to the tent, the one they’d slept in that Chan didn’t put down that morning.

Wonwoo started to hear weak but heavy breathing as he carefully approached the tent, which had been closed from the inside - he unzipped it, as quietly as he could, without any reaction whatsoever from who was inside.

It_ was_ Minghao.

For some reason, though, that realization didn’t stop the pounding in his heart and head, it only made it worse. The latter was lying limp on his side on top of one of the sleeping bags they’d left in there, as if he had fallen over as soon as he’d made it into the tent, unable to get up or move since then. He didn’t react to Wonwoo’s presence at all.

“Minghao?” Wonwoo breathed out, “Hao, holy shit, I - ”

And of course, at that very moment, the lights shut off. The buzzing of their heating system stopped, the humming of the broken light in the far left corner of the room stopped. The power had gone off. Of fucking course it did.

Wonwoo’s phone wasn’t working, he couldn’t tell any of the members that he’d found Minghao. He had no idea what to do. He wasn’t Mingyu or Seungcheol, he couldn’t carry Minghao back, he didn’t have the strength to even try, and that frustrated him beyond belief. He didn’t have access to a car. He couldn’t leave Minghao alone, not like this, not in his condition when he could disappear without warning.

  
_ And _ Wonwoo fucking hated the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *eyes emoji*


	9. the sharp truth is more important than my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minghao was having a hard time talking himself out of his paranoia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anotha chapter!! I know a lot of yall must be stuck at home because of the virus (I'm not, both of my jobs are retail and theyll never let me go lol) so heres a chapter to entertain you hopefully!!
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect.  
it's just fiction! <3

The memory of Mingyu handing Minghao the water bottle wouldn’t stop replaying in his head.

It was giving him a headache, at this point. He didn’t remember if he had a headache before he started thinking about that, but he definitely did now. He didn’t need that on top of everything else. He needed to just stop thinking, but he couldn’t. He didn’t have anything to do but think.

Minghao watched the phone he had placed on his chest light up with another message from Junhui. They’d stopped their conversation about two hours ago by now, but Junhui was still sending occasional messages. 

junhui [7:23am]

_ xiaohao, i just need you to know that none of us would ever so anything to harm you _

Minghao tucked his phone under his pillow, just a bit, not wanting to see the message again but making sure he could still see if Junhui sent him another message. He knew that, he did, but he was having so much trouble believing it. Why, was so far beyond him. He knew he could trust his members with anything, why couldn’t he get himself to believe that they weren’t the ones who poisoned him?

It was so painful to think about. They were all trying so hard to comfort him. Jeonghan stayed with him through his panic attacks, Junhui had talked him through his nightmare and Mingyu slept with him when he didn’t want to be alone. They cared, he saw that, but he felt just as lonely as he did when he first arrived in Korea.

He didn’t like that feeling. It was one of the worst feelings he’d ever felt.

He knew it was because of his nightmare. He knew that his mind was trying to turn him against his members, but he was falling for it.

Mingyu specifically had handed Minghao the water bottle in his nightmare. Mingyu was just passing them out to everyone in real life. But they were blending together.

Thinking about the taste of it still made him feel sick. How horribly painful it was. After at least thirty seconds of that feeling not going away in his throat, he had run off to hide in the changing room. He didn’t want to bother anyone with it. He thought it was nothing, but not only did it not go away - it got worse. A lot worse.

Seungcheol looked so afraid. He was putting on a brave face, he always did, and Minghao always saw through it. That was what happened in real life, but in his nightmare, Seungcheol was covering up that he knew Mingyu’s plan to poison him. That he had sent him off in an ambulance all alone, to die where Seungcheol would never have to see him again.

He knew that wasn’t true. Seungcheol was so kind. He was the kindest man Minghao had ever met, his number one priority was the health, safety and happiness of his members. But his nightmare was just so fucking convincing, tears pricked at his eyes just thinking about it again.

It wasn’t long until Mingyu started to slowly wake up. Minghao watched him, seeing no point in trying to close his eyes and pretend he was asleep, as Mingyu would have probably tried to wake him either way.

His own eyes started to fall shut, too heavy to stay open any longer. Minghao couldn’t even really remember if he had actually slept - he probably didn’t. He watched Mingyu fall asleep last night, but couldn’t really remember a point where he opened his eyes again. He was just lying there, before Junhui started texting him.

He was probably dozed off for about ten minutes before his eyes started to blink open again. Mingyu was awake now, too, and he was looking at him - very concerned, enough to make Minghao want to avoid eye contact with him. He didn’t like it when they looked at him like that, but he understood.

“Morning,” Mingyu said, finally, and at that point, Minghao looked at him. Mingyu’s smile was so sweet. He didn’t know how he could believe Mingyu would ever try to hurt him. He loved him more than anything, Minghao knew that. Mingyu didn’t cry a ton, but he did last night - Minghao cried even less, and he joined him.

But Minghao couldn’t bring himself to smile at him, or even hold eye contact. He sunk his head a little further into the pillow, and sighed. He was so frustrated with himself. He would do anything to forget about his nightmare, forget about the thoughts that it gave him, but he couldn’t. Not even with Mingyu looking at him like that, his eyes flooded with such genuine concern that it made even Minghao start to think that he should be worried. 

“Do you feel bad?” Mingyu asked him, his sweet smile disappearing.

Minghao did feel bad. Sick, sore, tired. But the worst feeling was the trust he was losing, that he couldn’t do anything about it.

He mouthed an  _ I’m sorry  _ without even looking at him, knowing Mingyu couldn’t read his thoughts, but needing him to know he was sorry for what he was thinking. For what his brain was trying to convince him. He would try to stop it, but he knew from past experience that it was hard. Really hard. 

"Hey, what's that for? You don't need to be sorry. It's not your fault," Mingyu reassured him, his voice so gentle, his hand just the same as he took hold of Minghao’s. "I'll take care of you. We all will. You just have to let us know when something's wrong, or if you need anything. Okay?"

Minghao’s heart was starting to hurt. He couldn’t even really give Mingyu a real response.

He was dissecting Mingyu’s sentences, twisting the meaning behind what he’d said to fit the reality of his nightmare. It wasn’t Minghao’s fault, it was Mingyu’s. Mingyu was the one who poisoned him. He wasn’t taking care of him, he was making sure that he wouldn’t get better. He wanted him to tell him if something was wrong so they could get a better gauge if their plans were working, how to fix them without Minghao noticing what was happening.

He didn’t want that to be true, but somehow, it sounded so convincing.

“Can you promise?” Mingyu asked him, his voice small and sad. Minghao nodded, almost against his will, not really meaning it. Mingyu was frowning, and for a moment Minghao realized how ridiculous his thoughts were, but as soon as he watched his phone light up from the side of his pillow, his thoughts were interrupted.

Junhui again. Minghao picked it up to open the message thread.

junhui [7:56am]

_ let me know if you’re feeling up for breakfast, okay? I’ll get whatever you’d like _

junhui [8:13am]

_ and tell me whenever you’re awake again, i’ll come bring you your medicine _

junhui [8:21am]

_ i love you a lot _

The last message was the most recent one, and even though Minghao could feel it was genuine, the feeling it left in his heart was one that made him uncomfortable, anxious, almost. He was so afraid that Junhui was lying to him. He begged to himself that Junhui wasn’t lying to him.

“What’d Jun hyung text you?” Mingyu’s voice came sharp through his thoughts, and Minghao instinctively pulled his phone away despite Mingyu not making any efforts to take it from him. His eyes were wide all of a sudden, reminding Minghao that he was being ridiculous, that he was scaring his members by acting like this.

“I - sorry. I won’t look, I’m sorry,” Mingyu told him meekly, shrinking away from Minghao. Minghao really didn’t mean to do that. He didn’t like people watching him text, Mingyu knew that, right? Maybe he would understand, then, but he was probably just scared of him now.

Minghao’s head was starting to hurt even worse. He wanted to pull his head under the covers and pretend no one was there, that Mingyu wasn’t looking at him like he was crazy, but that would just make it worse, wouldn’t it?

“I have to, uh - I should go tell Jeonghan hyung you’re awake,” Mingyu said, his tone a little awkward and unsure, but he was climbing out of the bed and Minghao realized he was leaving him. He didn’t want that. He wanted to apologize. But even if he could, even if it didn’t hurt him to speak, he felt frozen. Like he couldn’t explain himself, like he was afraid to.

Or he was afraid that Mingyu was against him. That he wanted him to suffer.

Mingyu stared at him for a moment, his eyes full of an emotion that Minghao couldn’t quite decipher, before he turned around to leave the room.

Minghao turned around too, hiding under his blanket in the furthest corner of his bed, curled up, unable to stop himself from shaking.

* * *

Junhui looked so  _ sad. _

“There you go. You don’t have to drink a ton, but a little bit, please,” Joshua’s words pulled Minghao out of his thought, his eyes away from Junhui’s broken expression. “Do you need me to hold the glass, sweetheart? Your hands are so shaky.”

Joshua didn’t usually talk to him like that. Minghao wouldn’t consider it talking down to him, but normally Joshua spoke to him like they were the same age, not like a hyung. He sounded more like Jeonghan right now, which was a little frustrating. Minghao didn’t like being treated like glass all the time.

Minghao took the glass of water from Joshua without any response, taking a few sips like Joshua has asked of him. Once he lowered it, the tiny bit of pride he felt in himself for drinking some water was quickly whisked away when he realized how little he’d actually had. He could barely tell there was a difference.

There was a very small, hardly noticeable at first, tickle in the back of this throat, but it sent him back for a moment. He was suddenly back in the music show hall, taking a sip of the water Mingyu had handed him, nearly yelping at how it suddenly burned his throat, and the next thing he knew he was alone in an ambulance, not even able to scream because of his much it was hurting him.

“Minghao - I could’ve held it for you,” Joshua’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts, and his eyes focused again - the glass was on the floor, suddenly, and Joshua was already cleaning up the water and shards of glass with a towel he must’ve gotten from Minghao’s cabinet. Minghao felt his ears start to burn. He didn’t even register that happening. Did he throw it? Did he drop it? How did it get to the middle of his room, so far from his bed?

“I’m - I’m sorry, I -” he started, even though it really hurt to say any sort of words.

“No, no. It’s okay,” Joshua told him reassuringly, “it happens. I’ll hold it for you next time.”

Joshua disappeared with the wet towel for a moment, and Minghao’s focus was back on the extra-worried looking Junhui still sitting beside him on the bed.

Junhui didn't make eye contact with Minghao's gaze, he just leaned against him for a moment, sort of in a half hug. He was probably exhausted, probably didn't sleep any more than Minghao did. Minghao felt horrible for worrying him that much.

"You should go rest," Minghao told him in Mandarin, in a whisper, hoping that would hurt less. It didn't, but he didn't care. He needed Junhui to hear him.

"Later," Junhui answered quietly. Minghao could almost feel the sadness and exhaustion pulling on his tone like a heavy weight. He leaned his chin on Minghao’s shoulder. "I missed you."

Minghao leaned into him a little too, taking his hand. Minghao had always trusted Junhui, even though they were two completely different people, even down to the way they spoke. It probably wasn’t any deeper than the fact that Junhui was the only one that he could communicate with at first, being they were both Chinese, but it felt a lot deeper than that. Junhui was always looking out for him. He knew when Minghao was anxious before Minghao could comprehend it himself - he knew that about so many things, when he was tired, sick, sad - Junhui knew Minghao like the back of his hand. Minghao wouldn’t admit it, but he relied on him.

He had a thought, for a split second, that made him wonder how come Junhui wasn’t there when everything happened. He didn’t notice when Minghao left, he didn’t see him at all after the water was handed to him. He saw Seungcheol, Joshua, their manager, but no Junhui.

Wouldn’t Junhui have noticed?

Minghao slipped his hand out of Junhui’s.

The train of thought halted as soon as Joshua came in, and Junhui either took his weight off of Minghao as a reaction to Minghao pulling his hand away, or Joshua coming in. Minghao couldn’t tell. Junhui was sitting beside him, but sort of behind him, so he couldn’t see his face unless he turned his head.

He could feel his heart start to beat a little faster.

“Here, I brought the dry erase board. I don’t want you to use your voice while you’re still healing. Didn’t the doctor say you shouldn’t?” Joshua told him, taking a seat on the bed too, handing him the dry erase board. Minghao gave a little sigh when it was in his hands again. He didn’t like using it. Talking was starting to make his throat hurt a lot more, so this would be easier - but it was embarrassing. Minghao wasn’t very fond of people watching him write, draw - even his members. And with this, if they were talking, they were staring at him until he finished writing. And his written Korean wasn’t very good anyway.

His anxiety was starting to grow again. It was making him feel sick, now. He wanted to lie down and curl up under his blanket, but Joshua and Junhui didn’t look like they planned on leaving any time soon. So he decided to just endure it.

Soonyoung came in, after a while - Minghao hadn’t seen him in days, it felt like. It was nice to see him again. It was a distraction from the horrible thoughts that started to plague him - Soonyoung was always good at distracting him, whether that was a good or bad thing, whether it was calculated or it was just because he was there. His smile was always so warm and inviting.

But now, it wasn’t the same. Maybe it was because he was worried, maybe something else - but as soon as Soonyoung’s smile faded, Minghao dove back into his dangerous thoughts. Why had Soonyoung been away for so long? What was he doing?

He didn't like them touching him, anymore. He didn't know why, at first. It used to be comforting - like when Jeonghan held him through his anxiety attack, he felt safe - but when Soonyoung ruffled his hair, it was the opposite. It sent a shiver up his spine, just sacred him, really - he wanted to pull his blanket over his head and hide.

He must have reacted physically, based on how they were all looking at him, how concerned and confused Soonyoung looked. Minghao really just wanted to hide. He didn’t feel well and he was just embarrassed, at this point. He wanted to explain himself, but he couldn't, not in front of all of them. He would just sound insane.

After a while, he found his eyes drifting to the window, considering it for an escape. Just in case he needed it. Just in case any of them would try to hurt him, or take him away - the fire escape was an option. Minghao was terrified of that fire escape. It was old and rusted, and he wasn’t very fond of heights, but he would keep it in mind. Just in case.

…

He fell back into another twisted version of his first nightmare as soon as he shut his eyes for a moment.

He saw Soonyoung and Mingyu whispering to each other, plastering on fake, forced smiles as soon as Minghao approached them. They didn't say a word to him. Minghao’s first instinct was to text Junhui - he wanted to find him, he felt safe with him - but Mingyu took his phone away from him before Minghao even had a chance to turn it on.

Minghao didn’t protest, he couldn’t fight back. He was too weak.

He heard Seungcheol say something behind him - he didn’t understand a word he said, but he could hear the anxiety coming from his tone. It didn’t sound like he was talking to Minghao - he turned around to find out, but he wasn’t with Mingyu and Soonyoung anymore. He wasn’t standing. He was lying down, in a dark room, a cold table underneath him. His heart sank immediately, the familiarity of the scene feeling like a rock in the pit of his stomach. The people above him with masks and gloves. The hospital smell - that’s where he was. On the operating table again, awake and aware in the middle of his surgery.

Minghao was never able to put words to that feeling, but every memory of it sent him into a spiral. It was terrifying.

He was trying to wake up - he couldn’t have been asleep for very long, it shouldn't have been hard to, but it was. He tried to scream, but it was as if sound couldn’t come out of his throat, he was completely silent.

“There’s no point in screaming. No one will hear you,” Minghao heard Jihoon’s voice tell him. He sounded annoyed, almost as if this situation was all a minor inconvenience to him. Like it was a waste of his time. He couldn’t tell where it was coming from - the doctors all had masks, Minghao’s vision was too blurred from tears to focus on their eyes.

“Can’t we just end it now? What’s the point in letting it drag on,” Jeonghan said, his tone the very same.

“That’s the fun part,” a voice told him - Junhui’s. Junhui? Minghao thought he could trust Junhui, Junhui was the only one that wasn’t truly scaring him, but he was hearing his voice. He was doing this with them.

Just as Minghao tried to move his body, figure out some sort of way to get out, one of them - it looked like Joshua, Minghao couldn’t be sure - suddenly turned to him, a surgical knife pointed to his face - and at that moment, every bit of pain he felt flared up into a full flame. It felt like the rest of them were digging into him - Seungcheol lied to him, he felt every single movement, he wasn't safe. They all lied to him.

“Minghao,” he heard a voice again - Joshua, but the man pointing the knife didn’t seem to be the one talking - Minghao just screwed his eyes shut, willing to do anything at this point to just disappear. “Minghao? Wake up. It’s just a dream, Minghao, please.”

A dream. It was just a dream.

He opened his eyes, and he was back in his room, Joshua in front of him, staring with wild eyes. Minghao flinched away from him. It was a dream, he was fine, but none of the feelings went away. He was still terrified, untrusting. Everything still hurt the same. Why did it matter if it was  _ just a dream _ , if he felt worse when he woke up?

“Hey - it’s just me. You’re okay,” Joshua told him, but Minghao didn’t want to listen. He didn’t want Joshua in his room - he didn’t want any of them in his room. He wanted to hide. He wanted to be alone, but Joshua wasn’t getting that. He pulled him forward to pull him into a hug, but at that point, he couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t okay. He wished Joshua would just stop lying to him. “Minghao…”

Minghao didn’t have the energy to fight back, but he was starting to feel increasingly worse - everything hurt so badly, it was making him feel sick. He wanted to tell Joshua to leave, but he knew that he wouldn’t, and the pain from speaking wouldn’t be worth it.

Joshua was suddenly gone, and Minghao’s mind was telling him to take the opportunity and hide, but he couldn’t. He was nearly curled into himself, trying to create space in his lungs to be able to breathe again, but every new thought that bubbled up in his head, every image from his nightmare burned into the backs of his eyelids made it worse.

Jeonghan’s face was suddenly in front of Minghao’s, and he moved his head away as soon as he saw him, remembering his words from his dream. He didn’t catch what Jeonghan had asked him, it didn’t sound like real words to him anymore. He looked half asleep, as if this situation bored him, as if the last thing he wanted to do was see Minghao. It didn’t make any sense, he was so caring the other day, was it all just an act? 

Joshua’s sudden touch sent a shiver up his spine, nearly made his skin crawl - his hand was on his back, and Minghao tried so desperately to squirm away from it, he didn’t want anyone touching him and especially not like that -

He found himself vomiting over the side of his bed all of a sudden, and after that, everything was starting to go by like flashes. He saw some other members in his room - he didn’t want them in there, he didn’t want any of them in there, none of them were going to help him. They were just watching, like he was some sort of animal, like they were waiting for him to die.

Minghao hid himself underneath the blanket as soon as he got a chance, making sure to cover every inch of his skin so that they couldn’t touch him anymore, so he wouldn’t have to withstand that horrible crawling feeling under his skin when they did.

They didn’t leave for a while - Minghao never turned around to look and see, but one of them stayed for a long time, it felt like, just sitting at the end of his bed, saying things to him that he couldn’t understand. He just wanted him out. He wanted to be alone, he felt safe alone. He was so insanely overwhelmed, tears hadn’t stopped streaming from his eyes since the brief nightmare he’d had to endure, and the pillow beneath his head was nearly soaked with them.

The weight on his bed was gone, Minghao realized after a while, and he nearly took a breath of relief when he poked his head out from under his blanket to double check, until he heard his phone buzz.

Jeonghan [ 2:47pm]

_ I think we’ll need to take Minghao back to the hospital today. I'm giving him some time to rest first. _

Minghao was halfway thrown into a panic attack as soon as he saw that message.

He immediately jumped up, out from under the covers, not feeling safe even in his own bed anymore. They could take him at any moment. They could come in and take him away and he'd be hooked up to machines and dug into like he was some sort of experiment. They didn't care. If they did, they wouldn't take him back.

He thought that Jeonghan wanted him to be safe. He thought he wanted to protect him. But he wanted him gone, just like everyone else there.

Minghao held his ear to the door, and he wasn't hearing anything. Maybe they weren't in the living room anymore, maybe they had gone somewhere else to discuss a plan to take him away, back to the hospital. The thought only sent him further into a panic.

His eyes caught sight of the window once again, a window that would be easy to climb through, a window that led to the fire escape. He was shaking, thinking about it, but he didn't know what else he could do.

So he slipped his shoes on and began to climb out of the window.

It wasn't raining too badly, he found, standing on his level of the fire escape. He was shaking horribly, trying with all his power not to look down. He really didn't like heights, but he didn't have any other option, at this point.

Everything was hurting a lot more than before. His vision was swimming, he couldn't see or even think straight, which made stepping down the ladder of the fire escape exceedingly difficult. He was trying so hard to ignore it, the pain, the raindrops flying in his eyes, the thunder roaring overhead. He just needed to get somewhere he could hide. He just needed to find a safe place.

He was losing track of where he was, the time that passed. It was like he'd lost all direction, just like when he first moved to Korea - it always came back to that feeling. That left him feeling even worse, as if everything wasn't already horrible. The rain was pouring harder now, and he didn't know where to go, didn't know if he should go back to his room, his room that felt familiar - all until he saw something familiar. A door, one that he didn't immediately recognize or remember where it led, but found himself putting in the code and opening it without a problem. It was familiar to him. Safe.

He stumbled inside, not sure where he was going or where he was, but he walked until he was somewhere safe, dark, closed off. He was soaking wet, but he had lost all of his energy running off, so he just sunk down to the floor - blankets beneath him. He didn't quite understand why they were there, but they were comforting, just a bit. They didn't take his pain away, his fear, the pounding in his head and the burning in his eyes, but he was glad they were there.

Time wasn't going by as it normally did, Minghao started to realize. He didn't have any way to tell the time, but he just knew, the way his eyes would open and shut. He could hear and recognize the mumbling above him as Wonwoo’s voice after a while, he could realize that he was speaking to him, but he couldn’t understand him.

“I’m really sorry,” Minghao murmured, almost whined from how much pain he was in, not entirely sure what he was apologizing for. He was just in so much pain, he didn't have the energy to think or even understand where the pain was coming from. It just hurt so badly, he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to close his eyes and everything to go away, but whenever he did that, he woke up and things were worse.

Part of him wanted to run, knowing that Wonwoo would take him away too, but the way he held him felt reassuring. Not quite safe, but close enough to where Minghao could almost trust him. It was a breath of fresh air from all the thoughts he had been plagued with.

So he didn't run. Not this time. Not that he could, at this point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmk what you think, this chapter was pretty different from the others and I was a little worried lol


	10. i don’t want to have your eyes open (to danger, like this)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I hope you know that I’m not here to hurt you,” Wonwoo tried to say, even if he wasn’t sure that was exactly what Minghao was fearing. “I just want you to be safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone!! i'm so sorry for the long wait! I had a lot of trouble trying to figure this chapter out, but I hope you guys like it anyway!
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect.  
it's just fiction! <3

"We can't do much about it. The police didn't find any evidence, the cameras didn't show anything. We’re continuing to work closely with the police to see if there’s anything else we can find, but by now, we’ve checked everything at least twice."

Seungcheol could feel the anxiety start to build up in his chest. He really thought he could handle doing this without Jihoon. He promised Jihoon that he had it under control, but he didn’t. 

He had been in meetings with Jihoon all morning. First, with the Pledis staff, going over the general statement they were planning to release within the next few days. They already had suspicion from the media and fans - postponing certain events and canceling others, but they didn’t have enough information to put anything out yet without causing an uproar.

Hearing what they read out to him was gut-wrenching. It summarized something that Seungcheol hardly had any time to really fully process on his own, into something so simple it almost didn’t sound serious. Like it was a little footnote in a history textbook. Easily overlooked. Robotic.

Then they were talking with their guards and police - extra security measures they needed to take, not being allowed to leave on their own, getting new locks and codes for their dorm and the general building. They were very strict on the idea of them not getting any food or drinks from anyone that wasn’t a trusted staff member.

Right now, he and some Pledis staff were in a meeting with the music show employees - giving them information on what they’d found. It had been about half an hour of them showing their footage and going over the exact details of everything that had happened. Ultimately, with nothing to show for any of it. No conclusion.

"It seems very unlikely that this was a targeted attack. Someone contaminated the water bottle just to hurt anyone, it would have been impossible to tell who would end up with it. It seems it could have happened to any of the group members, or even any other group that was there that day. It's twisted, but we're putting much stronger precautions in place against it so it doesn't happen again."

“Why would they only contaminate one bottle, then? If it wasn’t targeted?” Manager Jeon commented. Seungcheol could hear his frustration, he felt it too. What they were telling them didn’t make any sense.

“If they get caught, it’s only one murder charge,” a Pledis staff member said. Seungcheol’s eyes drifted over to find a former manager of theirs - now an assistant to their CEO - someone who never wanted anything to do with Minghao and Junhui. Normally Seungcheol would get up and defy him. His rank and age didn’t matter to Seungcheol - Seungcheol was the one who had gotten him out of his position as their manager in the first place. Away from his dongsaengs. But he couldn’t, this time. His heart hurt so badly - hearing the word murder in reference to his poor dongsaeng only made things so much worse.

“Don’t say that. There was no murder,” a female Pledis staff member hissed. Seungcheol wasn’t entirely familiar with her, but she had been there since they brought Minghao to Korea. She was Chinese, too, dealt with a lot of Minghao and Junhui’s overseas schedules. She didn’t treat them like robots, like a lot of the staff members did.

“Okay, sorry, attempted murder,” the assistant snarled back. “I think we should be looking into if they’re giving any reason to be targeted. Clearly you’re not regulating what the Chinese ones are posting on their Chinese app.”

“Their names are Minghao and Junhui and the app is called Weibo,” Manager Jeon snapped. “They just told us they don’t believe it was a targeted attack. Why on earth would they explore the route of it being targeted?”

“All of their social media posts are very regulated anyway. If he had posted something that would in any way warrant such an attack, we would certainly know by now,” the same female Pledis staff member commented. “And even so, he wouldn’t be to blame.”

The assistant just rolled his eyes.

“We’re currently looking into everyone who would have had access to the water bottles. Unfortunately, unlike who is entering and leaving the building, it’s not something we monitor closely. But we’re trying our best,” The music show’s spokesperson told them.

The room was very quiet for a moment. Seungcheol was doing everything in his power not to bolt from the room and sob in the hallway. His chest hurt horribly from holding everything back.

“Is that all?” Their company’s CEO asked. His tone was incredibly cold.

“Yes, sir,” the spokesperson nodded.

“Alright,” the CEO started upon standing, the rest of the staff slowly standing with him, “I hope we meet again soon when you give us something with actual substance.”

The room went silent again.

“I hope you realize that if this is, as you claim, a randomized attack, lives are still on the line here. Whether Seventeen is being targeted, or idols in general, this is likely not an isolated attack, and even if it may be, it should not be treated as such. We nearly lost him due to your negligence,” he told them, his icy glare staring down each one of the music show employees. “You had better give us something better than this nonsense soon, or else we will take action against you. You’re extremely lucky we haven’t done so already. Something like this could destroy you for good.”

Seungcheol knew that their CEO saw this as more of a show of his power than anything else. He knew, deep down, that the man would jump at any opportunity to take someone down like this, to make himself and his company look like heroes. Protecting their idols. Seungcheol knew it was all for money and power.

Their CEO didn’t know a thing about Xu Minghao. But Xu Minghao was one of the most important people in Seungcheol’s life. His family.

The spokesperson stood a mumbled a million apologies as he bowed repeatedly, doing so until their CEO and his assistants left the room.

The staff eventually all filed out of the room, both from Pledis and the music show alike, but Seungcheol didn’t have the heart to get back up. He didn’t have the heart to tell the kids that they had nothing, that this could happen again. The heavy weight against his heart pressed on his lungs, making it harder and harder to breathe. He didn’t even have the strength to truly sob anymore, but as soon as they were all gone, he let his tears spill. Silently.

He felt manager Jeon’s hand on his shoulder. “I don’t want to rush you, but we can’t stay here for long,” he said, his voice very gentle. “I’ll take you home right away.”

“I know,” Seungcheol murmured. He took a deep breath, and another - not finding them to be very helpful to his air-deprived lungs, but deciding to stand anyway.

“They shouldn’t have dragged you here. I could’ve just relayed everything to you,” manager Jeon told him as the two of them slowly made it to the doorway.

“It would’ve been irresponsible for me not to come,” Seungcheol murmured. A trained response, what he’d been taught to think and say. “I’m the leader, it’s my job to be here.”

“Some things you shouldn’t be forced to handle,” manager Jeon told him. Even if Seungcheol agreed with him, he couldn’t do anything about it.

He wiped his tears off with a swipe of his sleeve.

Seungcheol’s heart sank even further when he found his phone plugged into the wall on the outside of the meeting room, unattended, Jihoon nowhere in sight. It should have worried him, but in that moment he just felt sadness, disappointment. He’d been waiting to get out so he could see him. He wanted someone to hold him, he couldn’t ask that of manager Jeon.

“Where did Jihoon go?” manager Jeon asked, but Seungcheol just shrugged, reached down to unplug his phone, and wrap his charger up into a ball to stuff in his pocket. “I’ll call him. He might have just gone to the restroom.”

Seungcheol shrugged. He just wanted to go home.

* * *

“Hyung!”

Jihoon didn’t have to turn around to recognize the voice as Chan’s, but he did it anyway, and found a wild-eyed Chan barreling toward him.

They were both going to check the same place. The side door of their practice room, the door that was easiest to get to when coming from the dorms, the door both of them must have believed Minghao had gone to.

“Someone told you what happened-?” Chan asked, clearly out of breath from running around - the kid hadn’t brought an umbrella, so Jihoon brought him closer to cover him with the one he’d taken from the company headquarters before he left.

“Joshua did. Seungcheol doesn’t know, they’re still in a meeting,” Jihoon told him, not wanting to word it as  _ I left him there alone to come here _ , because that made his heart hurt even more. He was trying not to think about it. He knew the consequences it would have on him, but even if he hated the thought, he had to push it aside. They had to find Minghao.

“You think he’s in there too?” Chan asked him, his voice a little shaky, nervous.

Jihoon answered by handing Chan the umbrella so he could punch the code into the door - he knew it from muscle memory by now, so it had to be right, but the door wasn’t opening. He fiddled with the handle a bit more, thinking it was just stuck, but that was a locked door.

“You try the code,” Jihoon said, thinking that maybe his brain just wasn’t remembering it right. Chan nervously eyed him and then the door, shakily entering the code. He pressed down on the handle, and Jihoon was praying to himself that it’d open, but it didn’t. “He has to be in there. Did he lock the fucking door?” Jihoon cursed, pushing past Chan, struggling with it to no avail.

“Do you think the power went off?” Chan murmured, the thought snowballing in his head. Jihoon’s gaze drifted to meet his, and they seemed to come to the same conclusion at once.

“The door won’t open if the power’s off,” Jihoon breathed as he came to the realization, at the exact same time Chan realized it in his head. This had happened once before. Jihoon had tried to get into the studio, but the power had gone off, shutting down the electrical system that opened the door and rendering it useless as a door. He’d called their company - they had lost track of the key after relying on the code system, and Jihoon had to end up waiting hours for the locksmith to arrive. Of course they hadn’t fixed it, of course this was still a problem. He didn’t have the time to do any of that, let alone call their company. “Fuck. Call - call 911. They need to break the door down.”

“Can’t we try the other doors? What if it’s just this one…”

Jihoon was dialing the number before Chan could even think about what he wanted to finish saying. They didn’t have time. They didn’t know Minghao’s condition. They might need an ambulance either way.

Just before he could press the call button, his phone started to ring with a call from manager Jeon.

Part of him didn’t want to answer. They needed an ambulance as soon as possible, but he wouldn’t call him for no reason. He worried about Seungcheol, wondered if they’d learned something important in their meeting. So, he picked up.

“Yeah?” he answered.

“ _ Where are you? _ ” manager Jeon asked, sounding the slightest bit frustrated with him.

Jihoon couldn’t answer him. He wanted to tell him everything that was going on, but he didn’t have time. “I think - I think we’re gonna need an ambulance for Minghao. I can’t explain right now, but, just - call an ambulance for the practice rooms. Chan and I are gonna try to break the doors down in the meantime. They won’t open.”

A beat. “ _ Jihoon - what? I - _ ”

“Please, just do it. Please meet us here,” Jihoon told him, begged, practically, before hanging up, giving Chan a firm nod of confirmation for them to start doing everything they could to get the doors down.

* * *

  
  


“Can you hear me?” Wonwoo asked carefully as he pulled Minghao’s head into his lap, but Minghao didn’t seem to understand what was going on at all. His skin was burning, Wonwoo was almost sure his fever was really bad, at this point. He looked much worse than before. Wonwoo was certain he was in a great deal of pain, but he didn’t resist Wonwoo’s touch, not at all, not like how Wonwoo expected him to after he had run away like that.

Minghao murmured something pained in Chinese, and Wonwoo was really starting to wish he’d taken Junhui with him. His heart sank, realizing that Minghao was probably at a point where he couldn’t comprehend words, let alone his second language.

He sat quietly with him for a moment, bringing him a little closer to his chest, paying close attention to his uneven, forced breaths. Wonwoo’s gaze drifted around them - it was nearly pitch black inside, all for the little emergency light in the corner of the room, dulled past the cover of the dark tent. Wonwoo was never comfortable with the dark. He didn’t like to say he was afraid, but right now, maybe he would. Being in the dark like this, in the situation he was in, sped up his heartbeat in a way that he couldn’t calm.

“I don’t know what to do, Minghao,” Wonwoo mumbled, his hands shaking as he pulled the younger a little closer to him. “You’re always rational. We’re both rational, but you always know what to do when I don’t.”

Minghao said something back in his native language, although Wonwoo couldn’t tell if it was in response to his words or not. He sounded like he was in so much pain, his voice weak and teary, but Wonwoo didn't have any idea what he was saying. He wished more than anything that he did.

Wonwoo wondered what on earth was going through the poor kid's head, making him think that he had to run away from them like he did, despite his fever, despite his pain. Minghao  _ was  _ always rational, he was able to talk down any of the members about their own anxieties, and most of the time able to do the same with himself. Wonwoo supposed he couldn’t be perfect, and supposed that maybe they were to blame too.

“I hope you know that I’m not here to hurt you,” Wonwoo tried to say, even if he wasn’t sure that was exactly what Minghao was fearing. “I just want you to be safe.”

His hands were shaking. He wasn’t quite sure what the root cause of that was - being worried for Minghao, being anxious for the members to find them, being afraid of the dark - he would cradle Minghao a little closer to take his mind off of it, be taken aback by how warm he was, lower him back down, worry even more, and continue the cycle.

He really needed them to come find them as soon as possible.

Time was passing too quickly, and Minghao's breathing had significantly slowed.

Wonwoo was so worried for his dongsaeng. He was getting worse with every second that passed. Wonwoo could go through every possible answer for it. The poison was corrosive, maybe it was still eating at his insides. Maybe it’d gotten badly infected - maybe both were happening at once. Wonwoo was so scared. Probably not as scared as Minghao was, but he was getting there.

He looked awful, even in his half-conscious state, Wonwoo could feel how much pain he was in, how much he was hurting. He could see the fear in his foggy eyes. He didn’t know if he was scared of what would happen to him, or scared Wonwoo would hurt him.

“I can’t leave you alone. I’m scared you’ll run away again,” Wonwoo murmured, although, at this point he wasn’t sure Minghao had it in him to even get on his knees. “But, I...I don’t get how they haven’t gotten here yet. I need them to know you’re here. I’m…”

He was scared. He didn’t know why he’d almost said that out loud, but he didn’t know why he stopped himself either. He didn’t want Minghao to know how scared he was, he didn’t need that, but he was almost certain that Minghao wasn’t understanding a word he was saying.

He needed them to get there as soon as possible. He needed them to help -

He felt Minghao shudder in his grip at the sound of a thunderous bang - Wonwoo held him closer as soon as he heard it, not quite sure what it could possibly be. It was far too loud and close to be thunder. 

He hated not being able to see what was going on, being trapped in the tent only made things so much worse - but Minghao had to have gone in here to feel safe, he couldn’t take him out. He hated being afraid, he hated that he couldn’t take Minghao somewhere that was actually safe himself. 

He was hearing shouting, he was certain of it - he didn’t know if his brain was playing tricks on him, or if the others had finally found them.

* * *

“Minghao!”

Jihoon had bolted inside the studio as soon as he, Mingyu and Chan had broken down the door together, by some miracle. Mingyu was sure he’d never even assisted in breaking a door down, especially one like this.

Mingyu was so glad he’d found them in time. He had run up to the practice room building just in time to help Jihoon and Chan deliver the final blow to the door, praying with every fiber of his being that Minghao was inside. His heart was pounding in his chest, but not in a way that pumped him with adrenaline - in a way that made him feel sick. In a way that made him want to curl up and sob because of how badly he was shaking.

He hadn’t stopped crying since they started looking for him. How could he have lost sight of his best friend like this? It shouldn’t have happened at all. He should have been keeping an eye on him, but he’d gotten so upset over something so stupid that morning. He was to blame for this. He was the one that had made things worse - he was at the very least, part of the reason Minghao had run away.

His head was swimming, he had to take a moment to stop as Chan and Jihoon ran past him, nearly knocking him down in the process. The dark hall started to flash a very faint red and blue through the doorway, a sign of the ambulance coming.

He heard Minghao’s scream from the practice room at the very end of the hall, and instinctually bolted that direction, even if he wasn’t sure he would walk straight with the way his head was pounding.

He found them in that practice room at the end, Jihoon taking down the tent they were inside of just as Mingyu made it to the doorway.

Minghao was curled up so close to Wonwoo it almost seemed like his life depended on it - his head pressed against his chest, shaking like a leaf, so small and frail. Mingyu was there within seconds, wishing there was something he could do to help. He  _ had  _ to be able to help.

“Hao -” he called out very quietly, reaching out a hand, only receiving a glare from the very protective Wonwoo that had his arms wrapped around him.

“Don’t - don’t touch him. He freaked out when Chan touched him,” Wonwoo said, his voice gentle, but still just as stern as the cold glare of warning he was giving Mingyu. Mingyu looked over at Chan, who was kneeling right next to him, shoulders bunched up and eyes wide. “Chan, it’s okay. He’s just scared. I don’t think he even knows where he is,” he murmured, his voice much less stern when directed at their maknae.

Mingyu didn’t want to listen to that. Minghao wouldn’t freak out if he touched him. He was his best friend. But he knew he couldn’t get away with it if Wonwoo was looking.

“They’re here. I’ll go tell them what happened,” Jihoon huffed just as the sirens came to a stop, taking his exit, Wonwoo and Chan both watching as he left. Mingyu took the opportunity to try and let Minghao know he was there - maybe it would help him.

But, Minghao screamed as soon as Mingyu’s hand so much as grazed his skin.

“Mingyu! Did you not hear what I said? Don’t touch him!” Wonwoo shouted at him, pulling Minghao even closer, even backing up a bit away from Mingyu, like he was afraid that he’d hurt him. Mingyu just couldn’t understand this, none of it made any sense to him.

Mingyu’s tears started to spill again, his mind starting to come back to its senses, taking in the severity of the situation and everything going on around him, especially as the paramedics started to trickle in. It was so much worse to be on this side of things. Mingyu had been angry with Seungcheol for a short time for leaving them all out of it when it had first happened, but now, he understood why.

He felt Chan’s hand on his arm - either giving comfort to Mingyu, or needing it himself. He wasn’t sure.

Wonwoo looked up at the paramedic that approached them first. The paramedic seemed hesitant to move closer. Wonwoo didn't seem to understand why, not until he realized how tightly he had his arms wrapped around Minghao.

"Wonwoo, let go," Jihoon said, as gently as he could have as he knelt down again to place a hand on Wonwoo’s shoulder. “They’ll take care of him.”

"They can't let him be alone. He's so scared," Wonwoo mumbled, not showing any sign of giving Minghao up. Wonwoo wasn’t in the right state of mind either, Mingyu was starting to realize. If he was, he would have let the paramedics take over as soon as they made their presence known. He was scared, too. Feeling some sort of responsibility to protect Minghao, when the younger couldn't do it himself. "They'll make it worse."

“Would you like to come with him?” The paramedic asked, his tone gentle, too, as he knelt down with the rest of them, two others standing behind him.

Wonwoo looked over to Jihoon. “I...can I?” he asked quietly, his eyes so wide and fearful.

“Of course you can. But you’ve gotta let go so they can help him, Wonwoo,” Jihoon told him. Mingyu noticed the pain in his expression, but fade into relief as soon as Wonwoo started to lower Minghao. Just a bit, at first, but as the paramedic carefully urged him on, Minghao was lying flat against the floor.

He thrashed as soon as the paramedic tried to look over him, his pained cries and scream hurting Mingyu more than anything else. The two paramedics behind the first one wasted no time in holding him down.

The pain in Minghao’s eyes hurt Mingyu the most, though. His head was laid down right next to where Mingyu was, and so Mingyu could see every detail. He could see just how much physical pain he was in. Minghao had always been hard-headed when it came to that kind of stuff - if he was in pain, most of the time, the others would never even find out - and if they did, if it was that bad, Minghao certainly never cried about it. That just wasn’t something he did. He always pretended he was fine.

But it was so much more than that, too. His fear. He was terrified. Minghao was never frightened easily - Mingyu was sure the most frightened he’d ever seen his best friend was just from surprising him from behind a door, or something stupid like that - it was never genuine, crippling fear like this was. It was so painful to watch, even.

His eyes looked to Mingyu, and Mingyu always looked away - he didn’t want Minghao to see him if he was causing him pain, but his eyes were begging, it looked like. Almost.

Mingyu’s heart was impulsive, but he couldn’t just sit back while Minghao looked at him like that - he gently reached a hand out to place on Minghao’s cheek, and he didn’t scream, not even flinch. His pain seemed to melt, just a little bit, just for a moment, and his tears spilled, too.

“It’s okay,” Mingyu mumbled, his voice shaking through his own tears. “You’re...you’ll be okay. You have to be…” he told him just as the familiarity flickered out of Minghao’s eyes again, his head pulled away from Mingyu’s hand with a pained scream as he tried to thrash himself out of the paramedics’ grip. “Please…” Mingyu murmured to himself, holding his own hands against his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot to mention, i was very entertained by everyone's predictions from that one chapter a while ago, a lot of you seemed to guess car accident?? and I'm not quite sure where that came from hahaha I was wondering if I implied that somewhere?? lolol. thank you all so much for being so engaged with this story, I really do love hearing what everyone thinks and reading the predictions was so fun!! i hope everyone enjoyed this chapter here <3


	11. get out of my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonwoo needed time for his brain to catch up, but he didn’t have that right now. And he hated to worry the members with his behavior. His family, who were all already worried out of their minds about Minghao.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehe back at it again!  
i hope everyone is doing well considering everything going on. if you're sad idk why you're here this fic will only make u more sad!!!! hahaha  
take care of yourselves and enjoy this chapter <3
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect.  
it's just fiction! <3

"You need to get home into some dry clothes. You're soaked."

The words had to echo in the back of Wonwoo’s head a few times before he could really comprehend what Joshua was saying to him. Everything was still so fuzzy. The sirens were so loud. Minghao’s screams were so jarring. The colors and lights were too much. The flashing red and white and blue from the ambulance and police. The setting sun beneath a sky of angry orange, peaking out past the dark storm clouds. Minghao’s terribly pale, nearly paper-white skin. The red blood from his throat.

_ “What’s happening to him? Why is he…” Wonwoo’s thought was lost in his head somewhere when Minghao turned his head again to cough up more blood. It wasn’t a lot, but it was blood. That shouldn’t be happening at all. _

_ “It’s hard to say right now, we won’t be able to really look until we get to the hospital,” the paramedic told him. _

_ Minghao fell almost completely limp when he turned back to lay flat on the stretcher, his eyes lost, so lost Wonwoo would have almost considered him unconscious. But he was still holding Wonwoo’s hand so tight it was like his life depended on it, even if he didn’t have an ounce of energy left in him. _

“Wonwoo?”

Joshua’s voice broke him out of the memory he was reliving, startled him, almost, but Wonwoo tried to not show any sign of that.

The bright lights of the hospital hurt his eyes, almost made his headache worse. He had to look up to look at Joshua, though, even if from Wonwoo’s angle, Joshua was standing right in front of the lights he despised so much.

"I'm fine. It's drying," Wonwoo murmured. He couldn’t quite remember what Joshua had told him, actually, but knowing him, and the situation, it was probably about him still sitting in his half-soaked clothes. “They’re just damp.”

"But you'll get sick, Wonwoo," Joshua sighed. Joshua didn’t usually play the mom card, but someone had to when Jeonghan and Seungcheol weren’t there, he supposed.

"That's not a thing, hyung. I'm fine," he murmured. "I don't...I can't go. Right now."

Joshua only gave him a tiny little sigh, deciding not to argue. Wonwoo really couldn't leave. It'd make him sick to not be here. He didn’t know if Minghao was going to be okay. He needed to be there in case Minghao needed him. He knew how scared he was, how confused he looked, and for some reason, he was only trusting Wonwoo.

Now he was all alone in some room getting scanned, cold, scared - drugged, probably. He was at least eighty percent sure that Minghao had broken the nose of one of the paramedics, and they kept throwing around the words  _ flight risk  _ after Wonwoo finally explained to them what happened.

Treating him like a flight risk was only going to make him more afraid. More isolated.

"Wonwoo, come here," Joshua told him gently as he took a seat beside Wonwoo and pulled him into a hug, something he didn't know he needed until he felt the warmth of it.

His lips started quivering. Wonwoo really didn't like crying. He didn’t like the way his cheeks felt wet when it happened, he didn’t like how his head hurt for hours after. But it helped, sometimes. It was helping right now, just a little bit, paired with the warmth of Joshua’s grip.

“You did so well. I’m so proud of you,” Joshua told him softly, “he’s gonna be okay cause of you.”

“I really hope so,” Wonwoo said through a hiccup, “I think...I think we can go back to the other waiting room now.”

“Are you sure?” Joshua asked as he pulled away from the hug, taking his hand. “We can stay here for as long as you need, Wonwoo. It’s no rush.”

Wonwoo lowered his head for a moment, the lights getting a little too much for him again. It was all too much, right now. The members came at him all at once when they made it to the hospital - they didn’t mean any harm by it, Wonwoo knew that, but he lost it. He broke down, shaking, crying, hiding his face from his members, the bright hospital lights.

He needed time for his brain to catch up, but he didn’t have that right now. And he hated to worry the members with his behavior. His family, who were all already worried out of their minds about Minghao.

He needed to see his reasons to smile again.

“I’m sure,” Wonwoo gave a little nod.

Joshua was careful with leading Wonwoo back to the rest of the members, in another waiting room not too far from where they were. Wonwoo wished he had his hoodie to hide in, but he’d stubbornly rejected a change of clothes.

The scene wasn’t much different from the first time they were all gathered in a hospital, but this time, they were missing their two oldest. Joshua was the one looking after them - a job that the latter had admitted before was very hard on him, but he did it well. Normally, Junhui would be at his side to help - but he was down for the count, Wonwoo noticed. Slumped in the chair, his eyes off somewhere else. 

“Wonwoo - I looked after him really well. I promise,” Soonyoung murmured, standing as soon as he saw Wonwoo, his eyes looking like flood gates waiting to be opened - like he didn’t let himself cry in front of them. His hands were shaking so bad, like he was terrified Wonwoo would be angry with him, or something stupid. He could see all the conflicting emotions in his eyes.

“They gave him something a while ago to calm him down,” Seokmin said quietly, patting Junhui’s hair down. Junhui leaned into him a little closer. Seokmin had been crying, already, his eyes and cheeks red.

Wonwoo’s heart sank. He knew what Seokmin was talking about, he didn’t need to specify. Wonwoo didn’t know the name of the medication, but it was really strong, they only used it when Junhui’s panic attacks weren’t letting him breathe anymore, not even through his greatest efforts. But Junhui hated it, because it did this to him. He was completely zoned out, not reacting to anything around him at all. Like he wasn’t even awake.

Junhui had told him how awful it made him feel. Wonwoo hated that they had to do that to him, but he wouldn’t be able to calm down otherwise. 

Soonyoung’s lip quivered as soon as Wonwoo’s attention was back on him. “I’m really sorry...we didn’t want to, but he couldn’t - I was really scared he would -”

“It’s okay. Don’t be sorry,” Wonwoo told Soonyoung carefully, pulling him into a hug - the poor guy burst into tears before Wonwoo even touched him. “Thank you for taking good care of him.”

Soonyoung’s shoulders were shaking - like he was trying with all his might not to start crying. Wonwoo just whispered to him that it was okay to cry. That he didn’t have to hide from anyone.

_ “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry before. Now that I’m thinking about it,” Wonwoo started, quietly, his eyes on Minghao, but the latter’s not on his. “I think you’re the only one of us who I haven’t seen actually cry.” _

_ Minghao just shrugged. Wonwoo wasn’t sure why they were talking about this, why he even brought it up. Minghao had been down all day - Wonwoo could only guess it had something to do with his recent coming back from a very short trip to China. He missed home. But he acted like it didn’t bother him at all. _

_ “But I know you were hiding it for so long. You could be crying every night and I still wouldn’t know.” _

_ “You’re very fun to have conversations with,” Minghao joked, his voice flat. He didn’t sound angry, or sad, but he still wasn’t looking at Wonwoo. He was just sitting at the end of his hotel bed, pulling at a loose string in his ripped jeans. _

_ “Hey, you’re changing the subject,” Wonwoo pouted, turning his body so he was sitting facing Minghao, “and you always do that. Avoid talking about stuff like this.” _

_ Minghao just shrugged. “I never got used to talking about it,” he murmured, “I barely knew how to introduce myself when I first moved here. Talking about my feelings wasn’t really a priority.” _

_ “And now you just learned to keep it to yourself,” Wonwoo finished with a tiny sigh, his eyes traveling down to the ugly pattern on the carpeted floor. “That sucks.” The members had brought Wonwoo out of his shell. He still wasn’t comfortable crying in front of them, but he wouldn’t go out of his way to hide it. Minghao did. _

_ “Not really. It’s not like I’m depressed or something.” _

_ “You told us you cried yourself to sleep every night,” Wonwoo sighed. He’d told them that for the first time during their recording for One Fine Day Japan. Wonwoo was pretty sure one or two of them knew, but it was the first time most of them had heard anything like that from him. Wonwoo was still having trouble even picturing it. _

_ “Wow, blunt,” Minghao mumbled. “Those were different times. That doesn’t happen anymore.” _

_ “You’re telling me you haven’t cried since?” Wonwoo raised a brow. _

_ “Well, no,” Minghao sighed. He didn’t want to be having this conversation. _

_ “Then how come I haven’t seen you cry?” _

_ “Because I keep -” Minghao sighed again. “I know what you’re doing.” _

_ “I’m not doing anything,” Wonwoo said. He was, maybe not intentionally, but he could tell how stressed Minghao was making himself because he refused to talk about anything. “I just want you to know it’s okay to tell us about stuff. That it’s okay to cry in front of us.” _

That was the first time Wonwoo had ever seen him cry. Neither of them said anything, and Wonwoo never even found out what really caused his tears. He just sat with him, and waited, kind and patient - telling him it was okay.

It was a good memory that Wonwoo had of Minghao. It wasn’t a happy memory, no, but it was good - Minghao had more trust in him after that. Wonwoo knew him a little better after that.

Wonwoo was very careful when he sat beside Junhui. He didn't want to scare him - he made sure Junhui saw his movements before he made them, knowing how easily startled he could be in this state. It was heartbreaking, just from the look in his eyes. He knew how much Junhui hated it, but he knew that he didn't have another choice.

“He’s okay,” Wonwoo told him. “I stayed with him. He was scared, he might still be, but...he’s gonna be okay.”

Junhui very gently took Wonwoo’s hand, and leaned against his shoulder. He needed comfort himself, but the way he took Wonwoo’s hand told him that he was trying to give Wonwoo some too, even in his state.

Wonwoo was comfortable with Junhui for a while, even to the point where he closed his eyes for a bit. It felt like he hadn’t even been able to blink since the whole ordeal started. Part of him wanted to take Joshua up on his offer to take him home to get into dry clothes - mostly just so he could get back in his own bed for a while.

But the thought of leaving the hospital before he even had an update on Minghao was more than enough to convince him to stay right where he was.

Wonwoo caught sight of an incredibly sad Mingyu when he opened his eyes again, sitting on a chair in the row across from Wonwoo’s. He could see all the thoughts swirling around in his head, just through the look in his eyes. He knew this was hitting him hard, too. Especially after Minghao’s reaction to Mingyu touching him. 

Wonwoo tried to tilt his head forward to get Mingyu’s attention - and he did, he almost startled him, actually. He just stared back, wide-eyed, like he was afraid Wonwoo was going to start yelling at him. Wonwoo chewed at his lip.

Wonwoo carefully slipped his hand out of Junhui’s, who seemed to have fallen asleep already - or at least looked tired enough to be convincing enough to look asleep. It was hard for Wonwoo to tell because Junhui usually slept with his eyes open.

He took a seat next to Mingyu, and just quietly sat with him, for a moment. Mingyu was always positive - to have a moment like this where there was nothing to even be positive about anymore must have been incredibly hard on him. Even in the rare moments like this that Mingyu had, Minghao would be there to talk to him. Ground him, even when Mingyu preferred to pretend he was okay.

Wonwoo didn't think about how Mingyu felt, when he should have. Minghao was his best friend. They did everything together. Mingyu was the first person that Minghao opened up to aside from Junhui. He couldn't imagine how painful it must have been for Minghao to react like that when he touched him. To scream like Mingyu was trying to hurt him, when Mingyu couldn't even bear to think about doing something like that.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you,” Wonwoo murmured after a few minutes of silence. “I was just - you know.”

“I get it,” Mingyu told him, his voice shaky and quiet. Wonwoo looked over to see him chewing at his lip. Mingyu didn’t seem to have any intention of looking at Wonwoo. “I shouldn’t have...I just…”

“I know,” Wonwoo told him, assuring him he didn’t need to gather his jumbled thoughts just to explain himself, because he understood. He’d had more than enough time to get lost in his head and think about it. “Please...don’t think that he hates you. He’s scared. And confused."

"I know," he mumbled. His voice shook so much when he spoke. Wonwoo wasn’t sure that he really knew that. His expression told Wonwoo that he wasn’t fully understanding what was going on, that he was still in shock about everything that happened, and how quick it was. He didn’t really have the time to absorb it. “I’m really glad you found him. In time,” he said softly, but still didn’t lift his head.

Wonwoo didn’t even want to think about what would have happened if they didn’t find Minghao. If Minghao had continued running.

“Me too,” he said with a tiny sigh, and leaned his head against Mingyu’s shoulder. Mingyu leaned his head on Wonwoo’s, and they stayed like that long enough for Wonwoo to fall at least half asleep.

* * *

The doctor agreed to allow three of them in Minghao’s hospital room as soon as his tests and scans were all done. Of course, all of them wanted to go see him, but they all knew that whether Minghao was conscious or not, that many people in a room in his current state was just too much for him. So it was Joshua, their current oldest - Wonwoo, the one Minghao held the most trust in - and Junhui, who couldn’t bear to be apart from him any longer.

The first thing that caught Wonwoo’s attention as he walked in was Minghao’s bright yellow hospital gown. It wasn’t like the usual pale blue of most other patients, not like the pale blue he wore last time he was admitted. It was the same hospital. It had to mean something.

Wonwoo knew Minghao liked the color yellow. He liked the feeling it gave him. He liked to paint with it - Wonwoo had watched him paint with it.

Wonwoo wasn’t going to be able to see yellow the same way after this. He was going to remember the color as what Minghao wore at his absolute lowest point through all of this. Where it made him look even more sick than he was.

"Please...please take the restraints off," Junhui murmured, gripping the rails of Minghao’s hospital bed as soon as he got to them. His grip was so tight that his knuckles turned white, which seemed almost impossible, he had been so weak with the medicine they’d given him to calm him.

Wonwoo didn’t notice the restraints until Junhui said something. They were like soft handcuffs, almost, like a nicer version of what he imagined they would pin down criminals with in a hospital bed. He didn’t like it, not at all. He knew Minghao would hate it. He knew it would only scare him more.

Minghao wasn't conscious even to even notice, it looked like. His half-lidded eyes barely moved, and his face was completely drained of any of the color that had come back to it in his time at home. He wasn't there, not really. Wonwoo was sure they'd drugged him. For his pain or to keep him under control, he didn't know, but it was clear that he wasn't really there.

Wonwoo wondered why Minghao wouldn't sleep. He couldn't imagine how exhausted he must have been, being put through all of that. He certainly looked exhausted.

"You have to take them off…" Junhui said again, his voice much shakier this time, near tears. He didn't touch Minghao. He looked like he wanted so badly to hold him, protect him - but he was afraid he’d hurt him. Wonwoo understood. He didn’t only look fragile, he was.

It didn't take much effort to pry one of Junhui's hands off the bed railing to take into his own. Junhui didn’t seem to have enough willpower to resist.

“They can’t, Junnie,” Wonwoo told him quietly. God forbid he would escape again. Wonwoo wouldn’t be able to handle that.

"I'm afraid we can't do that. He's already proven to be a flight risk and he injured one of our nurses. This is for his own safety as well as everyone else's," The doctor explained as he finally finished looking through his clipboard, just then catching up on their hushed conversation.

"But he's...this will only make it worse, he-" Junhui stopped as soon as Wonwoo squeezed his hand. Junhui was using all of his strength to not cry. He could feel how frustrated he was with this whole situation. 

"I understand that he's delusional, but as I said, it's for safety," The doctor continued. Wonwoo didn’t like his use of the word delusional, he didn’t like how it sounded coming out of his mouth. It sounded like he was calling Minghao crazy.

"What did he do to the nurse?" Joshua murmured, his brows pressed together.

"He elbowed her in the eye pretty hard. He was struggling to get away, I don't think he realized what he did," the doctor said, "he's heavily drugged at the moment, for the pain and to calm him down. The restraints are there to keep him in place. His hospital gown is yellow to alert other staff that he is a flight risk. He will not be left alone at any point.”

Wonwoo frowned, expecting the doctor to mention Minghao breaking the paramedic's nose earlier, but it sounded like he'd done something entirely separate from that. He didn’t know Minghao could pack that much of an accidental punch. Twice.

“There’s a lot to cover with his case. Feel free to stop me at any time.”

Wonwoo had to hold his breath as the doctor started to speak.

* * *

“Do you need me to come in?” Manager Jeon asked as soon as Seungcheol made a movement towards the car door handle. He’d sat there in silence with his manager for at least ten minutes, just staring. He didn’t want to stay, leave - he was stuck.

Manager Jeon had offered to take him to the hospital with the rest of them, and part of him wanted to. He wasn’t doing his job as a leader, he wasn’t protecting his family. But part of him also worried about Jeonghan, who was left alone in their apartment. Joshua had texted Seungcheol about it - he’d said that Jeonghan just couldn’t physically handle it, that he preferred to stay at home by himself than be a hindrance to the rest of them.

Seungcheol didn’t want him to be alone. They were both beyond what worried could even describe. They both felt like failures to their members, to Minghao. Seungcheol needed to be with him.

“No - no, it’s okay.” Seungcheol shook his head as he opened the car door. “I can text you whenever we’re ready to go see Hao, and you’ll take us?”

Manager Jeon just nodded. “I won’t wait here, just so I don’t rush you. Take your time.”

“Okay,” Seungcheol murmured, stepping out of the car and waiting there for a moment. His body was just so tired. He didn’t have the strength to take another step, but he took a moment to look back at his manager. “Thank you, hyung. Really. I wish all of the staff were like you.”

Manager Jeon sighed. “Me too.”

Seungcheol was worried he would have to go looking for Jeonghan somewhere, but Jeonghan was sitting on the couch, curled up with a pillow in his arms as soon as Seungcheol opened the door to their dorms.

Jeonghan’s eyes locked with Seungcheol’s as soon as he registered that someone had opened the front door. He watched the fear and sadness within them grow along with their size. He looked like he was afraid that Seungcheol was going to be angry with him, scold him - it was ridiculous, as if Seungcheol would ever do something like that in this situation.

“Hey, Hannie…” he started as he made his way towards the couch, not even bothering to hang his coat up on the coat rack, but dropping it behind him.

Jeonghan’s gaze dropped, his arms tightening around the pillow he held so closely just as Seungcheol sat down beside him. “I’m so sorry, Cheol, I didn’t…I didn't look out for him well enough…"

“It’s okay. You don’t need to say anything,” Seungcheol whispered, pulling him into a hug.

Jeonghan leaned forward and just started to cry - sob, even, to which Seungcheol had to start doing the same. It was such a heavy weight for the both of them, and with Seungcheol unable to do his part as their leader for so long, it left most of that weight on Jeonghan. He had always been much more sensitive to their member’s pain than Seungcheol was - which was difficult to imagine, knowing how painful it was for himself.

Jeonghan was always his backup, self-proclaimed backup, even. But not even he could handle all of this.

"We're a mess," Jeonghan murmured after they were quiet for a bit, pulling out of Seungcheol’s hug to wipe at his eyes.

"Yeah...yeah, a little." Seungcheol gave a tiny sigh. It was okay to admit. They didn’t have to be perfect. “But that’s okay.”

They sat quietly beside each other for a while, just listening to each other’s breathing, leaned against each other. Jeonghan’s breathing was steady against Seungcheol’s chest, Seungcheol paying close attention to how their breathing came in and out of sync. It was all he paid attention to for a while. It was nice for that to be the only thing on his mind.

But of course, he had to be pulled back into reality. His phone was buzzing in his pocket.

“Who is it?” Jeonghan mumbled, his voice heavy with sleep. He was slow to sit up, squinting at the bright light coming from Seungcheol’s phone, even though it wasn’t very dark in the living room.

“Shua,” Seungcheol said with a little sigh. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to handle what Joshua was going to tell him - he told him that they finished talking to the doctor a while ago, and that he would call to update him when he had some time. “Should I answer?”

Jeonghan gave a little nod, pressing the answer and speaker buttons for him.

“Hey, Shua,” Jeonghan said, his tone sweet but sad.

_ "Hey. You're both there?" _

"We're both here," Jeonghan answered, briefly looking over at Seungcheol. "I'm so sorry, Shua."

_ "Please don't be sorry. I would never be upset with you for this. Either of you,"  _ he said gently. Seungcheol could almost feel his gentle touch through the phone, just in his voice. He was so calm and caring, always, but Seungcheol had to think about the time Jeonghan had first brought Joshua to Minghao’s hospital room, when everything first happened. Jeonghan and Seungcheol were the ones putting on brave faces. Now it was the other way around.  _ "Do you guys wanna hear how he's doing?" _

Jeonghan’s eyes asked for Seungcheol's permission first - Seungcheol nodded. Even if it was too much for him, even if it had his heart beating a million times a minute. He couldn’t hide from it forever.

_ “He's a flight risk, right now, they said. They’re watching him really carefully, though,”  _ he started. That didn’t surprise Seungcheol. He didn’t see what happened with Minghao - he didn’t know how bad his mental state was, but he figured it must have been bad with everything that happened. That he would  _ run. “He’s still really scared. They gave him a bunch of stuff to help him calm down, so he’s sort of...not really there. They said his infection is bad, but they can try to clear it without surgery. But that’ll take more time.” _

“He can’t handle another surgery. Not with how he is,” Jeonghan said quietly.

_ “I know. But, I’m...I’m also worried about him being here for too long,”  _ Joshua told them. He was right, that was a concern, too. Being in a hospital too long could be damaging to anyone, especially Minghao, especially in his state.  _ “But we’ll be here for him.” _

Jeonghan gave a tiny nod. “We can be there soon.”

_ “Take your time. He’s not very awake, anyway,”  _ Joshua reminded them.  _ “Don’t think you have to be here. I’ve got it covered. The kids are helping. They’re sharing their strength with me. Each other, too.” _

Jeonghan was wiping at his eyes again, and Seungcheol took his hand.

“Thank you, Shua. Tell the kids we’re both so thankful for them,” Seungcheol said, squeezing Jeonghan’s hand a little bit. Jeonghan nodded, even if Joshua couldn’t see that.

_ “We know,”  _ That time it wasn’t Joshua’s voice. Seungkwan’s. Joshua probably had his phone on speaker too. They were probably all listening, and just imagining all ten of them hovering over one phone brought a smile to his face.

_ “Sorry, you know them. You’re probably imagining all of them fighting for room to see my phone, even though nothing’s on it. That’s exactly what’s happening,”  _ Joshua said with a fake exasperated sigh. Seungcheol could feel the smile behind it.

They were gonna be okay. They had to be - but Seungcheol couldn’t shake the feeling that they weren’t quite over the hill yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehehehehehehehehhehe.  
stay tuned !


	12. i can’t handle it, i’m afraid of myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minghao's laughter was music to his ears. Mingyu could hear it if he imagined hard enough, but it didn’t last long. He heard his screams, too. The heavy breaths and pained whimpers from how much he was hurting. His sobs from how badly he wished it to be over. Mingyu’s eyes welled up with tears, and he was crying before he could really do anything to distract himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!! sorry for the absence!  
its harder to write the slower paced chapters but I'm very determined to finish this fic. i hope you guys like it!
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect.  
it's just fiction! <3

The rain on the window was a nice change from everything.

It was quiet, the rain, not as loud as it was on the windows back at the dorms. Wonwoo had thought for a bit to try and figure out why - could just be the rain being light, the windows at the hospital being thicker than the ones at home - Wonwoo’s head started to hurt from thinking about it so much, but he was just trying to get his mind off of Minghao’s pain.

It was Minghao’s third day at the hospital, third day in the intensive care unit. He hadn’t really been fully awake the past three days - in and out of consciousness, the pain medication too much for his weak body, he couldn’t focus enough to really understand anything around him.

Wonwoo was watching him while the others went to get lunch. He had done that the past three days, waited with Minghao until the others came back. Wonwoo preferred it quiet. Minghao did too.

Minghao was a little more awake now than he usually was, his eyes very slowly examining his surroundings. He had been doing that a couple times a day, whenever the pain medication started wearing off a tiny bit. The window was always first. Then Wonwoo. Then the door. Then the cuffs on his wrists.

“Can you take them off…?” Minghao started, his voice so hoarse that Wonwoo didn’t understand him at first. He was pulling at the cuffs, not strong enough to really do anything about it, but enough to get Wonwoo to notice.

It was the first time Minghao had said something coherent since he’d been admitted to the hospital. Of course he would want them off. They weren’t metal, they were cloth, but they were restraining - Wonwoo couldn’t imagine he would be okay with it either, especially in Minghao’s situation. And Junhui was right, it could make things worse for him, if they were on him for too long.

Wonwoo knew that he shouldn’t do it. Minghao was still considered a flight risk, he still wore the bright yellow hospital gown. Wonwoo didn’t know if Minghao would run again, but he just looked so miserable. He just wanted a little bit of freedom.

Wonwoo sighed, not really sure if he should entertain Minghao’s request or not. "Minghao, I can't just…"

"Please. Just...just for a minute," he said, his eyes practically doing all the begging for him. He  _ sounded  _ coherent. He sounded like he wasn’t confused, delusional anymore. His voice was still really scratchy and hoarse, Wonwoo didn’t want him to talk if it was painful.

“Okay. But I have to put them on before the others come back, or they’ll get mad,” Wonwoo said before he started fumbling around with one of them, trying to figure out how exactly to remove it. It didn’t take him too long, and as soon as Minghao’s wrist was free, he tried to take off the other one himself.

Wonwoo gave him a look - not quite a glare, but enough to try and convey the message that he didn’t want Minghao running off. Minghao just looked away, and let Wonwoo take off the restraint himself.

Minghao was clearly still fighting with whatever delusion he was experiencing, because as soon as he was completely free, he tried to bolt. Even if Wonwoo was still right in front of him. Even if the door was shut. Even if there wasn’t any way he could really run because of all the medication he was on, because he hadn’t really used his legs since he’d escaped from their dorms.

Wonwoo just held onto him, and Minghao struggled for a few seconds, but fell limp against him after that. He probably realized he didn’t have a chance, that it didn’t make sense to even try. He was shaking, breathing weird, but he wasn’t trying to get out of Wonwoo’s grip. So Wonwoo held him closer.

“Why are you trying to run?” Wonwoo murmured quietly, his heart aching. He felt Minghao tense up a little. “Minghao, all we want is for you to get better. If we wanted to hurt you, you wouldn’t be here. People go to hospitals to get better, you know that. I  _ know _ you know that.”

Wonwoo pulled back from his grip, trying to get Minghao to look at him, but he wouldn’t. His head hung down, not even giving Wonwoo a chance to level with him.

“Do you remember when I was in the hospital, when I got sick?” Wonwoo asked, his voice a little softer, that time. That got Minghao’s attention. He lifted his head up, and his eyes met with Wonwoo’s, waiting for him to go on. “You didn’t send me there to hurt me, did you? None of the members did, right?”

Minghao seemed baffled that Wonwoo would even suggest that. Wonwoo sort of felt bad for saying it, especially considering Minghao’s current state of mind, but he was trying to get his point across. He didn’t know how else to do it. “N - no. No, I…” Minghao mumbled, lowering his gaze again.

“I know you didn’t. I went to get better. It took a long time ‘til I was okay again, but I got there,” Wonwoo told him as carefully as he could. Minghao wasn’t going to look at him again, and Wonwoo had accepted that - he was the one putting him in this position, but he really hoped that Minghao was listening. “I’m so fucking angry with whoever hurt you. I would...none of us would ever even wish this on you, let alone do it ourselves,” Wonwoo told him. “I’m...I’m really sorry that you can’t trust us enough to believe me right now.”

Wonwoo could hear some of them chatting down the hall, probably back from getting their lunch already. He took Minghao’s wrist that was closest to him, and looked back at him, first. Minghao didn’t move, or even lift his head, and Wonwoo put the cuffs back on without any fight from him. That had to mean something.

Minghao was going to need a lot of help through this. Thank god there were twelve of them to do that.

* * *

Mingyu didn’t really want to eat.

He’d had his elbow propped up to lean on for a while, to the point where it was getting uncomfortable, but he felt like he wouldn’t be able to hold his head up otherwise. He was tired. He didn’t feel good. He didn’t feel sick, but it was the kind of feeling that weighed down on his chest. It took away his appetite, his energy, everything.

_ “Stop playing with your food,” Minghao teased, elbowing Mingyu so lightly he could hardly feel it.  _

_ Mingyu had been pushing his food around with his fork for the better half of their time at dinner. Minghao didn’t mean for his comment to come across as mean. He was a little bit serious, but the teasing still came through. It didn’t really matter to Mingyu. He didn’t say anything. His head hurt and he wanted to go home. _

_ It wasn’t even a minute later before Minghao said something again. “Gyu, you okay?” he asked, much, much softer this time, to avoid the ears of everyone else. It was impossible to do that, but he tried. _

_ Mingyu just gave him a nod. He’d be fine. It had been a really long week, he wasn’t alone in that feeling. He was just drained. Minghao didn’t like that answer, though. He didn’t quite look upset with Mingyu, just concerned. “I’m here whenever you need me,” he told him. “Always.” _

Mingyu had to stop his lip from quivering at the memory. He had to think about something else.

“Do you think Jeonghan hyung and Seungcheol hyung will come by soon?” Mingyu started, mostly directing his question at Jihoon, but speaking to anyone who would listen. He put his fork down.

“They haven’t said anything about it yet,” Jihoon said, looking up to meet Mingyu’s gaze. He hadn’t really eaten anything, either. His glass of coke was empty, though. Of course it was. “Jeonghan still isn’t doing great. Seungcheol’s looking after him. But they’ll come soon.”

Mingyu nodded, but gave a tiny sigh. He understood, of course he did, but he was still sad about it. Worried, too. Everything that happened when Minghao ran off had really thrown Jeonghan off balance. Literally, at first. He always had some sort of negative physical reaction to really strong emotions. He'd always been like that. He had been dealing with everything a lot better than Mingyu had expected, up until that happened. It just sent him over the edge.

"It might be better if they come later, anyway," Jihoon added quietly. Mingyu nodded. Seeing Minghao in his condition was really hard, and he didn't seem to be improving any. Seeing him like that might just make Jeonghan feel worse. "Are you not hungry?" Jihoon asked all of a sudden, taking note of Mingyu's hardly eaten plate.

"Not really," Mingyu shrugged, finally putting his fork down.

"Me neither," Jihoon puffed, blankly staring at his food. "I wish all of us could just, go to dinner like none of this happened. I’d do anything for that right now.”

Mingyu started imagining that as soon as Jihoon started to mention it. He’d do anything for it too. For things to just be normal again - their lives weren’t normal by any means, but it was their normal. It was how they lived their best lives. Having dinner with twelve other people sounded like a nightmare for most people, but it was always fun. Someone always told some ridiculous story, someone always broke something, someone always made someone laugh hard enough to cry. There was always something to smile about.

Minghao was never very forward with that stuff, but he always listened and paid attention. Mingyu always had to check if he was smiling, and his laughter was music to his ears. He could hear it if he imagined hard enough, but it didn’t last long. He heard his screams, too. The heavy breaths and pained whimpers from how much he was hurting. His sobs from how badly he wished it to be over. Mingyu’s eyes welled up with tears, and he was crying before he could really do anything to distract himself.

Jihoon didn’t say anything, he just got up to sit beside him, offered his hand to hold, or his shoulder to lean on. Mingyu didn’t waste a moment of hesitation to hug him. Normally he’d feel ridiculous doing that in public, a man his size relying on the physical support of a hug from someone much smaller than him, but he didn’t care. He needed it. A lot.

"I just want him to be okay," Mingyu murmured, his voice breaking by the third word, but even then, Mingyu tried to keep his tears back. "It's not fair…"

"I know," Jihoon said quietly. He paused for a moment - Mingyu had a feeling he wanted to say something, but was still contemplating if he should or not. “Let’s go see him. You’ll just make yourself sadder the longer you wait.”

Mingyu wasn’t sure how long it had been since Minghao was admitted - maybe two or three days, something like that, but Mingyu hadn’t seen him once. He didn’t want to. Minghao was scared and confused, and last time Mingyu made his presence known to him, Mingyu made everything worse. Mingyu couldn’t handle hearing Minghao scream again. The sound rattled through his brain and made him sick to think about.

“I can’t,” Mingyu murmured, pulling out of Jihoon’s grip, hanging his head down. His head was starting to hurt. “I can’t.”

“Gyu,” Jihoon sighed. “C’mon, you can’t avoid it forever. I know you’re scared, and he is too, but hiding from him isn’t gonna help either of you.”

Jihoon was right. Mingyu knew he was being a little ridiculous, but he was glad Jihoon was always ready to call him out on it. Or else, Mingyu would just convince himself what he was doing was right, and keep doing it. But he missed Minghao, a lot. He wanted to see him, even if the thought scared him. Even if he didn’t know what it would be like.

He just didn’t want to mess things up again.

Mingyu stood up from the table, feeling a little guilty for not eating any of his food as he picked up his tray, but he couldn’t. Jihoon did the same, taking Mingyu’s tray for him, before walking off to put them both away. 

“Ready?” he said when he came back, his eyes up at Mingyu, encouraging him to come, but somehow also telling him it was okay if he wasn’t ready, all by the look in his eyes. Mingyu gave a hesitant nod, and Jihoon took his hand, starting to lead him down to Minghao’s room.

Mingyu would have probably stopped at the door if Jihoon wasn’t tugging on his wrist to take him inside. His head hurt. His heart hurt worse. He didn’t want to scare Minghao.

But the first thing he noticed upon walking in was that Minghao’s eyes were closed. He was asleep. It looked like he had been for a while, too.

Joshua was sitting on a sofa chair beside Soonyoung, leaned against him, one hand snuck through the railing on the hospital cot to wrap around Minghao’s. He looked so tired. Mingyu knew that Joshua had been there since Minghao was admitted, too, but Jihoon had told him that they were making sure he didn’t go under like Jeonghan and Seungcheol did.

Soonyoung was reading something from a book - he seemed very enthralled, like he had started out reading for others but was reading it more for himself than anyone else at this point, even if he was reading it like an elementary student. It was cute. He didn’t even notice anyone coming in, until after Joshua lifted his head to say something.

“Glad you finally came. He’s asleep now, though,” Joshua said with a warm smile, his tone not condescending or disappointed in any way, like Mingyu had expected. That was stupid, Joshua would never talk to him like that unless he had a real reason to. Soonyoung poked his head up and stopped reading, smiling and waving at the two in the doorway.

Jihoon let go of Mingyu’s hand to fix up the blinds on the very small window in the corner of the room, leaving Mingyu sort of awkwardly standing in the doorway.

“How...how is he?” Mingyu asked. He knew. Jihoon had been updating him. But he felt like he needed to ask while he could see Minghao - it felt so disconnected, otherwise. Even if this way made him feel a lot more anxious.

“He’s doing okay. He’s been asleep for almost twenty-four hours, now,” Joshua said, sitting up a little more in the chair to take his weight off Soonyoung’s shoulder, which the latter seemed to appreciate. “The doctor said he’s not too worried about that part, though. He has a feeding tube in, he hasn’t been eating while he’s awake. That’s the bigger concern."

That didn't surprise Mingyu, not really. Minghao had always had trouble keeping weight on, ever since Mingyu met him - in a time like this, not eating was dangerous for him. He already looked gaunt - his cheekbones poking out a bit more, his fingers more bony than usual. Mingyu didn't like seeing him like that, not at all. He couldn't imagine that anyone did.

"Is he doing better with the feeding tube?" Jihoon asked, coming back to the center of the room where the rest of them were. Mingyu watched his expression sadden deeply when his eyes finally landed on Minghao.

"A little. But it's hard to tell, when he's asleep," Joshua said gently, focusing a little more closely on Minghao's sleeping form. His gaze met Mingyu's, and he seemed to guess what he was thinking without too much analysis, giving him a sad sort of smile. "Come take his hand, Mingyu. It helps him," he said.

"I don't wanna scare him, hyung," Mingyu said nervously, quietly, afraid to even speak. He didn't want to wake him. Minghao needed as much rest as he could get, and pulling him out of that was the last thing he wanted.

"You won't scare him," Joshua assured, "it's helping him. I'm not sure if it's nightmares that are bothering him, but we noticed that he wasn't sleeping comfortably, so we've been holding his hand. We always make sure someone is. It helps him, I think he's starting to trust us again. Even if he's asleep," he said, his gaze drifting back down to Minghao.

Joshua was right. Minghao looked a lot more at peace than he had in a long time, ever since this had all happened, even if he was just asleep.

He started to reach his hand out to touch Minghao’s, trying not to think about the possibility of Minghao suddenly sitting up and screaming out of fear. Mingyu knew that was a ridiculous thing to be afraid of, so he tried to push it out of his mind, and having Minghao’s actual face to focus on helped more than he thought it would. He looked so tired, Mingyu didn't know a person could look so exhausted while being asleep. He'd been through so much. Too much.

"Don't cry, Gyu," Soonyoung murmured, his tone a little teary, too. Mingyu didn't realize he was crying again, he'd just gotten so used to it that it didn't matter enough to pay attention to anymore. He wasn't embarrassed, he knew they wouldn't make fun of him for it.

Mingyu's heart stopped for a few beats when he noticed Minghao's eyes were suddenly fluttering open. He stepped back, slipping his hand out of Minghao's, but that only brought his attention towards him. Minghao was hardly awake yet, but his eyes were on Mingyu. He didn't know why, maybe he wasn't sure who he was, maybe he was wondering why he'd backed up - Mingyu wasn't thinking too much about that, he was just terrified that he'd scared him, but Minghao didn't look away from Mingyu, not until Joshua took his hand.

Minghao flinched as soon as Joshua touched him, his head whipping to the other side so quickly that it looked like it hurt. He was suddenly tense, shaking terribly, his eyes darting around to everyone in the room.

"Hey, you're okay," Joshua said calmly, just like he was speaking to a friend - not like a hyung. Minghao always liked that, and appreciated it. He wasn't shaking nearly as much as before. "You're sick, remember? You're at the hospital."

Joshua seemed to have easily calmed Minghao down by just telling him where he was, giving him so familiarity. He didn't look as afraid, but his head turned back to Mingyu, and as soon as their eyes met, Mingyu watched Minghao's fill to the brim with tears.

Minghao pulled his hand away from Joshua's, lowering his head, wanting to hide his face in his hands but restricted by the cuffs on his wrists. Surely that wasn't the first time he noticed them, but it seemed like it was in that moment, and he didn't seem to understand why, at all. His breaths grew quicker again, and he flinched when Joshua touched his back. He was so confused. Mingyu was heartbroken watching.

"I'm...I'm so sorry, I…" Minghao started, but he didn't seem to know what to continue with.

"Minghao, it's okay. Please," Joshua promised him, reaching a hand out again to take his, but Minghao didn't return, pulling away with the little room he had with the cuffs.

Mingyu knew that Joshua was going to tell them to leave - that's what they had been doing since the beginning, and Mingyu couldn't be sure, but he was afraid that was part of what made it worse. His eye contact with Jihoon told him that the latter was thinking the exact same thing.

Mingyu took a few steps closer, and without much hesitation, he leaned forward to hold Minghao close to him.

He was very careful. Minghao was so fragile - his state of mind, his physical self too. He was attached to more machines than Mingyu could make sense of, and the line between reality and his delusion was so thin. Anything they said was something he could twist to further it along, and Mingyu had been part of that. He'd made it worse when he left Minghao the morning he ran away. He was part of the problem.

"I'm so scared for you," Mingyu murmured quietly, his voice gentle but shaky. He wasn't going to tell Minghao that he was okay, because he wasn't. Minghao hadn't been okay from the moment he'd been poisoned, and the last thing he needed was to be lied to. "We're all really scared. Wonwoo hyung didn't want to let go of you when we found you. Jeonghan hyung fainted when we found out you were gone, and - Jun hyung had to take his medicine that calms him down because he's so scared."

He felt Minghao shaking in his hold, he could tell by Joshua's expression that he didn't think this would help at all, but Mingyu kept going.

"But...it's our fault, too. I wasn't empathetic enough. None of us have any idea what you're going through right now, ‘cause you're the first one of us who something like this has happened to."

Mingyu saw Joshua and Soonyoung’s expressions fall as soon as Mingyu finished speaking, like they realized he was right at that moment. They were all acting on instinct. They didn’t take into enough consideration how it made Minghao feel. Mingyu took the most blame for it. He felt Jihoon’s hand on his arm as soon as he had that thought, like he was there to shoulder the burden, too.

"I just...I want you to know that I’m sorry,” Mingyu mumbled, his tone getting a little teary, watching Joshua lean forward to hold them too, Soonyoung following, looking like he’d start sobbing any moment. “I love you, ‘n I just want you to be okay. More than anything.”

They stayed like that for a while, Mingyu spending most of that time just listening to Minghao’s breathing, feeling it against his chest, cherishing it deeply. He realizes that they could have lost him, twice. He was so grateful to be able to hold him.

Joshua took the cuffs off of Minghao, and moved the side rails so that Mingyu could sit beside him. Mingyu was afraid Minghao would run as soon as Joshua did that, he’d heard that he had tried it with Wonwoo, but he didn’t. He didn’t even try to. He just leaned closer into Mingyu, holding him a little tighter.

Mingyu’s heart was about to burst. He didn’t know how to process being so relieved but so heartbroken at the same time.

Joshua ushered Soonyoung and Jihoon out of the room with him, probably to get lunch, but Mingyu was happy to get time with Minghao. He asked if it was okay that he was on his bed, and Minghao nodded, which Mingyu happily took as an invitation to lay with him.

"I wish you could be home. And we could take care of you there," Mingyu said with a gentle sigh as Minghao pulled away to lay his head back onto the pillow. He looked so, so tired. Mingyu didn’t take any offense to that, he just wanted him to be comfortable. "I know you'd like it better there instead of here. We just have to stay with you more, this time. I’ll make sure I don’t mess up.”

Minghao's hand gently landed on top of Mingyu's, telling him it was okay without any words. Mingyu almost huffed, finding it ridiculous that Minghao felt the need to comfort him, but he didn't verbalize it. That's just how Minghao was.

He turned his head a little to look at Mingyu, looking like he wanted to ask something. Mingyu sat up, tilting his head.

"Are they okay...?" he asked, his voice incredibly scratchy and hoarse. Mingyu wasn't sure who he was talking about at first, but he remembered mentioning Jeonghan, Junhui and Wonwoo earlier. He felt a little guilty for making Minghao worry.

"They'll be okay, don't worry about them. You're the one in a hospital bed," Mingyu pouted. Minghao wasn't happy with that answer, Mingyu could tell, but he didn't want to make him worry with all the details. "Really. They’re all at home right now. Wonwoo hyung was with you ‘til he went home, Jihoon hyung told him to go rest. Seungcheol hyung’s looking after Jeonghan hyung. And, Junnie hyung said he’d come by soon,” he said with a smile at the end. “We’re taking shifts so no one passes out like when Cheol hyung did.”

Minghao gave a tiny nod before he laid his head back again, his eyes falling shut for a moment. Even with his eyes closed, he looked sad. “Wonwoo was here when I tried to run,” Minghao said very quietly, his voice not sounding nearly as scratchy when he was whispering. “I didn’t get to apologize, I...I don’t even know why I did that,” he took a deep breath before he continued, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Gyu, I…” his thoughts trailed off, the sadness in his eyes growing with every second that passed, just before they screwed shut, his body tensing up.

“Hao, nothing’s…” Mingyu started, but quickly realized that Minghao was in pain. “Hey, what’s wrong? What hurts?”

Minghao didn’t give an answer right away, but whatever was hurting him clearly wasn’t going away. He placed a hand on his chest, but it didn’t exactly seem like it was just there.

“I’m gonna go and get someone, okay? I’ll be right back,” Mingyu murmured. Minghao nodded, taking deeper breaths, trying to regulate the pain he was in. Mingyu didn’t want to leave him, but he didn’t know when the others would be back. The panic was starting to grow in his chest.

He poked his head out of the door, and the others were already walking towards the room. More time had gone by than Mingyu had thought. Joshua noticed him first, and then noticed the concern on his face. “Everything okay?” he asked, frowning.

"Can you get someone? Something’s hurting him," Mingyu said, and Joshua was already on the way to go find help before Mingyu even finished his sentence.

There were suddenly two nurses doing something to him before Mingyu could even really process what was going on. Mingyu had been holding his breath the whole time, he didn’t realize that until his own chest started to hurt. Whatever they were doing was working, though, Minghao’s body was relaxing, and when Mingyu reached out to hold his hand again, he did.

One of the nurses fiddled with the cables and wires and machines while the other looked Minghao over, asking him a few questions about how he was doing. She only asked yes or no questions, which Minghao could easily respond with by his head, Mingyu appreciated that.

“The morphine just wore off,” the other nurse told Mingyu as the one speaking to Minghao finished talking. She seemed to recognise how concerned and confused Mingyu was. “We gave him a bit more. His body's trying to fight off the infection, that's all.”

Mingyu just breathed an  _ oh,  _ lowering his gaze to look back down at Minghao, who had closed his eyes. “How long until his infection is gone?”

“It can take a few weeks,” was all the nurse said. Mingyu didn’t know what answer he was expecting, that’s what everyone had been telling him. Maybe he was just suddenly secretly hoping that the new answer would be  _ tomorrow _ .

After the nurses left, Minghao seemed to have fallen asleep again. Mingyu wondered if his pain had woken him up, and now that it was gone, he was able to rest again. He knew that Minghao needed rest, but he was sleeping a lot more than he did last time. He hoped that was okay. He was sure the nurses had noticed, they would have said something if it was bad.

He was so glad that he was getting back to himself again. Even if he wasn’t one hundred percent, it was an improvement from being afraid that everyone was trying to hurt him.

They got an extra chair for Mingyu, and he laid his head on the bed, squeezing Minghao’s hand as he listened to him breathe. Soonyoung had been reading a book that Minghao really liked, one that he’d read at least twice, that’s what he was reading when Mingyu first came in. It was Soonyoung’s first time reading it, and he was convinced that it was helping Minghao sleep. That didn’t make a ton of sense, Minghao didn’t even like to sleep with members that snored because it was too loud for him. Mingyu wouldn’t argue, though - Minghao was asleep, and according to Joshua he was sleeping for a long time, so Soonyoung must have been doing something right.

He figured it was partially for his own sanity, too.

“The staff wants to speak with him as soon as possible,” Joshua grumbled quietly, shutting off his phone and stuffing it back into his bag. Soonyoung was pouting beside him. “They don’t care how sick he is, they just want to drag him back into everything as soon as he’s awake enough to respond.”

“They need to continue the investigation, though,” Jihoon murmured, clearly not on their side, but countering with a reason.

Joshua shrugged. “I know, but...he needs time. He’s not a robot,” he huffed.

Jihoon nodded, his eyes sad. “I know.”

Mingyu squeezed Minghao’s hand a little closer when Soonyoung started reading again, realizing he was almost falling asleep, too. He didn’t want them to mess Minghao up. He needed real time to get better, before they started interrogating him again. Mingyu would protect him. He would make sure he got time to  _ really  _ get better.

“I’m here whenever you need me,” Mingyu whispered very softly, even if Minghao couldn’t hear him. “Always…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one is more sad but I guess they're all sad lol...it'll pick up soon >:)


	13. cut out the fantasy of me, run away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?" Wonwoo asked him gently. "No one's expecting you to get better as soon as possible. You need time and we'll wait for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehe ur not seeing things!! yes, a new chapter, so quick!! i had most of it written already so here it is~~ ^^ I hope yall like it!
> 
> i did add chapter names as well! they're all lyrics from "fear" and mostly pretty unrelated to the chapters (but sometimes they are lol) I just thought it's be fun to do!
> 
> anyways, enjoy!!
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect.  
it's just fiction! <3

Seungkwan was very insistent on helping Junhui get out of the car. He was still a little off from the anxiety medicine - his steps were clumsy, hands and legs shaky, just enough to make it a little hard to walk normally. He almost tripped on his way out, but Seungkwan was there to catch him.

Mingyu had met them at the car in the hospital parking lot - Seungkwan, Junhui and Hansol. Today was a week since Minghao had been admitted to the hospital, and Junhui had told them he wanted to visit him. He had been a wreck since everything happened, and he was finally just okay enough to be able to come in to visit.

Mingyu hugged him really tight once they got inside. He felt horrible for him. Junhui hugged him back, his grip weak, but warm. Comforting.

“How is he?” Junhui asked when Mingyu pulled back, his eyes looking very similar to a puppy who had just been picked up from a box at the side of the road. It was so strange to see him so vulnerable. He wasn’t as forward about it as Jeonghan or Seungcheol, but he was always taking care of his members, he rarely needed to be looked after himself.

"They took his restraints off, finally...he’s not a flight risk anymore,” Mingyu told them, regretting just a bit that he’d said the good news first. “He's not...he's not doing good, though. He's really sick."

“They said sepsis, right?” Hansol asked, his eyes full of concern.

“Yeah...yeah, sepsis,” Mingyu murmured, he said, watching Junhui’s eyes grow a little wider. He was trying to avoid thinking about that word. He had just been calling it an infection, but a few days ago, he heard the nurses call it that for the first time. He looked it up, not quite sure what it was, and it looked terrifying. It looked like something that a lot of people died from.

He learned that it was part of what caused his delirium, too. Mingyu had been blaming himself for it, and while he still believed he played into it, he was relieved that it wasn’t all him.

“But...they said he’s on a good path. I think he’s gonna be okay,” Mingyu told them. That’s what he’d been telling himself too. Minghao  _ was  _ doing better. He wasn’t himself yet, but he wasn’t dying. Mingyu would take that over anything.

Mingyu led them down to Minghao’s room, where Jihoon and Seokmin were. That would make six visitors in his room - three times what the hospital allowed for patients in the ICU, something they’d gotten in trouble for already, but it was hard to keep it at two visitors with how worried everyone was. They’d promised to stay out of the way when nurses or doctors came in, and of course if Minghao needed it more quiet.

Mingyu knew that Minghao didn’t mind. He needed more of them right now. It was more comforting for him.

Minghao’s bed was a little more propped up now that he was awake more often, so he saw them as soon as they walked in - he was still a little too tired to give something like a wave, he’d just woken up, but he gave them something close enough to just barely count as a smile.

Seungkwan hugged him first, pushing past everyone else to get to him. He had expressed several times that he wouldn’t cry, but he was already, Mingyu wasn’t really expecting anything different. He was incredibly protective of Minghao. Sure, Minghao was older than him, but only by about three months - that didn’t seem to get much in the way of anything, Seungkwan still treated him like a dongsaeng, most of the time. Of course, it was Minghao, that was easy for anyone to do.

Minghao seemed upset that he’d made Seungkwan cry when they broke the hug, his hands reaching back out like he wanted to comfort him, but Seungkwan assured him he was just relieved. And he was. They all were.

Hansol didn’t hug him, he seemed a little afraid to touch him - Joshua had warned all of them that they needed to be careful with him, that he was still in a lot of pain, that was probably the reason. Hansol was still incredibly happy to see him - it was hard to tell, but that’s how Hansol was, and Mingyu could still see it. Hansol told him he had been taking care of his plants, and that they made a bed in the living rooms of both dorm floors for him, so he had places to choose where he could still be comfortable and where they could watch him. 

Junhui was sort of hiding in the doorway, looking almost like he wanted to slip back outside, but he lost the chance when Minghao made eye contact with him, noticed he was there. He looked so worried. Mingyu had told him what happened, and went into more detail when he asked. Minghao missed him, a lot, he’d expressed that many times.

"I'm really sorry I couldn't come earlier. I was - really, you know. Zoned out," Junhui started, his tone only growing more awkward as he spoke, like he didn't know what to say. Like he was almost afraid. They usually didn't speak Korean to each other, and Junhui said he wouldn't for a while. He didn't want to confuse him. Minghao only spoke Mandarin to Junhui in front of the other members when something was wrong, and Junhui did the same.

Of course, Junhui blamed himself, too. Minghao didn’t speak any Korean when he was in his delirious state, and Junhui was afraid that was because he had been texting him in Mandarin so much about his dream. Mingyu assured him it was just because Mandarin was easier for him, but Junhui wasn’t convinced.

Seungkwan offered his chair for Junhui to sit in, and Mingyu took notice of how his leg bounced when he sat down, like he didn't know what to do with himself.

Mingyu watched Junhui’s eyes grow twice their size when Minghao reached a hand out for him to hold - Minghao always did that when Junhui was anxious. He always knew, probably before any of the rest of them did.

Junhui's eyes nearly flooded right then and there, and he took Minghao's hand.

"Is it - can I hug you?" Junhui murmured, and as soon as Minghao even moved his head to nod a yes, Junhui was standing and leaning forward to hug Minghao as tightly as he could, given the circumstances. He was still so gentle. The last thing he wanted was to hurt him.

"I was - I was so scared I wouldn't see you again. I-If we lost you. I was so scared that you'd die," Junhui murmured into his shoulder, his voice growing shakier through the sentence. "I know - I know you say that you can't do this without me, and I know I - I know I just say that I know to be stupid, but I - I  _ really  _ can't do this without you, Minghao...I really, really can't."

Mingyu used to be jealous of Minghao and Junhui, sometimes he was still, just a tiny bit, but he always reminded himself of what they went through. They were two entirely different people, but they relied on each other for so long. They were each other’s escape, especially when they missed home. Junhui would always lead everyone to believe it was Minghao needing Junhui, when Minghao was still learning Korean, but it was equal. They needed each other. Mingyu was so thankful they had each other.

Minghao's hand was up at his face as soon as Junhui pulled back - he didn't want any of them to see his tears, it was a last-ditch effort, but of course they noticed. Mingyu’s lip quivered, seeing that.

Junhui didn't tell him not to cry, he never did. He just gave him the best smile he could through his own tears, taking his hand away from his face to hold it, and let him cry.

* * *

Wonwoo had slept for a little over twenty-four hours straight when he heard his phone start to buzz on his nightstand. He groaned at the idea of picking it up, but reached over to do it anyway, not wanting to leave anyone hanging.

He looked over at Seungcheol’s bed before speaking, just to make sure he wasn’t waking him, but Seungcheol wasn’t there. Probably still with Jeonghan, he thought.

"Hey," he yawned right as he answered the incoming call. Mingyu. Mingyu was probably still at the hospital with Minghao.

_ "Oh, thank god. You must've been asleep for forever,"  _ Mingyu said, not too much concern in his tone. That was good, Wonwoo was afraid for a moment that he was calling about Minghao - that something bad had happened. He’d gotten a call like that a few days ago from Mingyu - Minghao was having a lot of trouble breathing, and Mingyu was terrified. He ended up being okay, they just put him on a ventilator, but it was still scary. That tiny panic that came whenever he got a call wouldn’t go away for a while, Wonwoo realized.

"I might've kept sleeping if you didn't call," Wonwoo mumbled, putting his phone on speaker as he sat up, rubbing at his eyes. Mingyu was probably just lonely. It was around seven-thirty in the morning, everyone was probably asleep. "What's up?"

_ "I just wanted to talk. Minghao's still asleep,”  _ he said with a tiny sigh.

"How's he doing?" Wonwoo asked. He stood up to stretch, figuring he might get ready to head over. He hadn’t visited Minghao since he tried to run - not for any particular reason against him, he was just exhausted. 

Mingyu paused for a moment, sighing again.  _ "Not any better,"  _ he said sadly.  _ "The doctors said he's still having a hard time with the infections. The fevers, and...all that stuff. He doesn’t need the ventilator anymore, though. And he can talk without it hurting him. Or, well, I don’t think it hurts him.” _

"I'm sorry, Gyu," Wonwoo said with a frown. Mingyu’s voice got so quiet through the sentence. He sounded so sad. “That’s an improvement, though.”

_ "I know, but...I'm just worried. I think it's gonna be a long time ‘til he's really okay,"  _ he said quietly.  _ “He wanted to apologize to you, for trying to run. He’s really confused about it.” _

Wonwoo’s frown deepened, saddened by the fact that Minghao felt the need to apologize at all. Wonwoo didn’t hold any of it against him. "I'm gonna be there soon," Wonwoo told him, “I’ll get a ride. I’ll let you know when I’m on the way.”

Wonwoo was able to get a ride pretty quickly from manager Jeon, who was heading that way too. Manager Jeon was really the only one of their managers that Wonwoo was comfortable with, right now. He was kind and gentle with them, he didn’t rush them or make them feel bad about the situation. He just treated them like friends.

Manager Jeon kindly offered him a ride home too, which Wonwoo appreciated, he really didn’t feel like getting a ride from any of their other staff. He walked inside with him when they arrived at the hospital and then deviated to the front desk, probably to get an update on Minghao to report back to the company.

Wonwoo texted their group chat to let everyone know where he was, realizing that he didn’t get a chance to tell anyone but Seungcheol before he left. Seungcheol told him to promise Minghao he’d come by soon, that Jeonghan was getting better and they could see him. Wonwoo said he didn’t want Seungcheol to make promises before he knew he could visit him for sure - so Seungcheol just settled on asking to pass him an “I miss you” message.

He knocked on the open door before walking in.

It looked like Minghao and Mingyu were in the middle of a conversation, and they stopped when Wonwoo walked in. Minghao looked a little more nervous when he saw Wonwoo - Wonwoo guessed it was because of what happened when he tried to run.

“Is it okay if I go get breakfast? Since Wonwoo’s here now?” Mingyu asked Minghao.

“Are you asking me for permission to eat?” Minghao asked, an eyebrow raised.

“Well, I just thought, cause you’re-” Mingyu started, huffing halfway through, realizing that Minghao was probably just messing with him. “You’re dumb. I’m going. I love you,” he said. He reminded Wonwoo of the emergency buttons before he left, and promised he wouldn’t be long.

Minghao’s posture went sort of limp as soon as Mingyu left, like he was putting on something for him, making himself look better than he was. That wouldn’t surprise Wonwoo at all, if it were true. Minghao hated when people worried about him.

“You okay?" Wonwoo asked him gently, dropping his bag and coat on one of the chairs. Minghao looked up, almost like he was hoping Wonwoo wouldn’t say anything, and now he had to face it.

"I feel better," Minghao told him, but it wasn't quite an answer to his question. He lowered his gaze down to his hands.

Wonwoo nodded. That didn’t really seem true. Sure, he wasn’t doing as bad as he was a few days ago, but Wonwoo wasn’t sure that counted as better. "That's good," he said, not wanting to invalidate his choice of words.

Minghao paused for a moment before speaking again. "I...I don't think I'm okay, though."

Wonwoo was surprised to hear him admit that at all. "That's okay, too," Wonwoo said without missing a beat. "Don't...don't make the mistake of convincing yourself you're okay when you're not. I know you do that a lot," he commented. They had that in common.

“Yeah,” Minghao said under a breath, a defeated sigh. “I’m sorry for what I did. Everything,” he told him, not lifting his head. Wonwoo didn’t expect him to. “I know you had to deal with it the most.”

Wonwoo’s heart ached and the memories of it. He’d been having a lot of trouble getting it out of his head. He thought sleeping would help, maybe in his sleep he wouldn’t have to think about it as much, but they came back in his dreams, too. Worse. He’d dreamt that Minghao died. He dreamt that he choked on his own blood in the ambulance ride there. He dreamt that they all blamed Wonwoo for not doing enough.

“I hope you know that I’m not holding it against you. I never did,” Wonwoo assured him as he sat down in the chair beside the hospital cot. Wonwoo wanted to reach out and hold his hand, but he was never the kind of person to do things like that. He thought it might help to feel that Minghao was really there, so his bad dreams would stop. “Don’t beat yourself up about it. You were scared and confused. That’s okay.”

Minghao just hummed in response, his eyes drifting over to the window in the corner of the room. It was such a tiny window, and nothing could really be seen out of it either, just the other side of the building. Minghao liked being outside. He liked pretty views from windows. Wonwoo could imagine that being trapped inside for so long was just making him feel worse.

“Could you...could you help me up?” Minghao murmured, clearly bothered by having to ask at all, but he still made eye contact with Wonwoo. “I’m not - I won’t run. I just wanna go outside. I need to.”

Wonwoo was a little confused, wondering if Minghao had somehow read his mind. He didn’t have any issue with that, but he was a little concerned he would get in trouble. Minghao was still in the ICU, even if he was doing a little better. “I have to ask if that’s okay.”

“Please, hyung. If it’s not, they send us back. I just…I want to try. At least..." he murmured, his sentence trailing off at the end.

“Okay. Okay, c’mon,” Wonwoo said, standing up from his chair. Wonwoo had lost track of how many days Minghao had been in the hospital, but it was a while, certainly long enough to make it hard for him to walk on his own. He debated just getting a wheelchair for a moment, but Minghao was already determined to get up, his legs already swung over the edge of the bed.

Minghao’s first step forward was incredibly shaky, but Wonwoo made sure that he had him to hold on to. He didn't mind being Minghao's support the whole way over there, but he was leaning so heavily on Wonwoo that he was sure he wouldn't have the strength to make it out the door, even with Wonwoo’s help.

And he was right. Minghao's knees buckled beneath him after his fourth step and Wonwoo sank down to the floor with him.

"I'm sorry -"

"Don't even start. I'm not expecting you to be able to walk like nothing happened when you've been in a hospital bed for over a week, Hao," Wonwoo told him as gently as he could, but he knew exactly what he was thinking, what this was doing to his pride. He didn't like help. He didn't like them to see him in any state of weakness. Wonwoo knew exactly what Minghao was thinking.

Minghao was in pain, too, Wonwoo could see him trying to hide it.

"I can go find you a wheelchair, okay?" Wonwoo said.

Minghao shook his head. "I need to...I should get used to walking on my own again, I can't just-"

"Don't be ridiculous. You're in a hospital, not at home. You're here for a reason, you're sick, and you’re in pain, too," Wonwoo said with a tiny sigh. "I'll be right back, okay? Promise me you won't try to get up."

"I promise,” Minghao said so quietly Wonwoo hardly heard him. He hoped that he meant it.

"Thank you."

Wonwoo got up to get a nurse to help him - one got a wheelchair for them, and the other followed Wonwoo back to the room to make sure they could still bring Minghao’s IV if he wanted to go outside. Minghao was still on the floor when they came back, leaning on the chair, his head hung. The nurse checked him over and made sure he was okay before the other one came by with the wheelchair.

Minghao didn’t make any effort to move, though. Wonwoo knelt down beside him, a hand gently landing on his shoulder. "Hey...let's get you up, okay?" Wonwoo murmured. "You still wanna go outside?"

"Yeah. I’m sorry," Minghao said with a weak sigh. He didn't make any movement to try and get up. Wonwoo had to assume he wasn't ready to yet.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?" Wonwoo asked him gently. "No one's expecting you to get better as soon as possible. You need time and we'll wait for you."

Wonwoo was trying his hardest to tell him all the things that Seungcheol and Jeonghan told him when he was sick. The things that stuck with him. Minghao didn't say anything, though, his head hanging down. Wonwoo knew he couldn’t change his mindset. He couldn’t imagine how hard all of this was on him.

They helped him into the wheelchair, and Minghao thanked the nurses for their help, and Wonwoo too - but the heavy sadness didn’t leave his tone, his eyes. Wonwoo offered Minghao his coat, but Minghao asked for help putting it on - he said he didn’t have the strength to do it on his own.

Wonwoo wheeled him to a little section of the hospital where the patients could go outside without leaving the hospital grounds. No one was outside - it was early in the morning and it was cold outside, that didn’t surprise Wonwoo - but even so, with the cold weather and the overcast sky, Minghao suddenly didn’t look as sad as he was before. He had something else to focus on - something else to see, feel and think about.

Wonwoo stopped the wheelchair beside a bench and zipped up the coat he’s put on Minghao, despite the latter’s protests. The last thing Minghao needed was to catch a cold on top of everything he was dealing with. Wonwoo sat beside him, and just let Minghao watch for a moment, and he watched with him.

He wondered what Minghao was looking at - if he was paying attention to the leaves on the trees, or the lines in the architecture of the building. He wondered what he thought about, what he saw made him think. He was very immersed in whatever it was, his eyes lost. Wonwoo was glad to give him an escape.

He moved a little closer, so he was sitting directly beside him. Just in case he needed a shoulder to lean on, Wonwoo’s was there.

"What if it happens again?" Minghao murmured, looking over to Wonwoo. Wonwoo knew what he was talking about, his delusions. It saddened Wonwoo to think that he was thinking about that now.

"Then that's on us," Wonwoo told him, meeting his gaze. "We should've taken better care of you."

Minghao’s eyes saddened even more as he looked away. “I should’ve -”

“Hey. Let’s not think about it right now, okay?” Wonwoo said. He never liked interrupting Minghao. It used to happen to him so often that he refrained from speaking too much at all, but he didn’t want his thoughts to spiral. He’d gone through enough already. “I’m sorry for interrupting.”

“It’s okay,” Minghao told him quietly. “You’re right.”

Minghao was quiet for a moment, his eyes back down at his hands, like he was back in the hospital bed.

“I’m really proud of you,” Wonwoo decided to say. He’d been meaning to do it. Maybe now wasn’t the best time, but it was better than never.

“Hyung…” Minghao started as he looked over again.

“I’m serious. You’re handling all of this really well and I’m proud of you and you need to know that,” Wonwoo said. “There’s no perfect way to react to something like this. But you’re doing good. That’s what matters.”

Minghao leaned his head on Wonwoo’s shoulder.

He wasn’t going to accept the compliment, Wonwoo knew that, he needed to process all of it first. That was okay. What mattered was that he heard it, someone said it to him. He put his arm around Minghao’s shoulder to give him a little more warmth and comfort, maybe for himself, too.

It was a while before he heard the door open from where they came in. Wonwoo had nearly fallen asleep despite how cold it was - it was nice, quiet, and the air felt good to breathe. Minghao was asleep against Wonwoo’s shoulder - he didn’t have to look, he could tell by his steady breaths.

“There you are,” Wonwoo suddenly heard from behind him - Mingyu. Oh, god, he’d forgotten to text Mingyu where they had gone. “I was - god, that scared me. Maybe tell me, next time, hyung?”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve texted someone,” Wonwoo murmured quietly, not wanting to wake Minghao. Mingyu seemed to get the memo pretty quickly as he looked him over. “He just wanted to go outside for a little.”

“Is he asleep?” Mingyu asked with a little pout.

Wonwoo gave a nod.

“He looks...a little better, somehow,” Mingyu whispered. “More...at peace, I guess. Is that weird to say?”

"I think the air is helping him,” Wonwoo decided on. “Maybe we should ask for a room where we can open the windows for him, when he's out of the ICU. If that’s something they do. Or, at least a window less pathetic than the one he has."

Mingyu nodded. "He'd like that."

Wonwoo hummed.

They got ready to wheel him back before they realized the wheelchair was stuck - it wasn’t moving at all, and Wonwoo could see exactly where it’d gone wrong, but he couldn’t fix it with just his hands. Of course this had to happen to them, they got the one broken wheelchair.

“Think you can carry him back?” Wonwoo asked Mingyu, knowing he wouldn’t be able to do that himself.

“Now more than ever, honestly,” Mingyu nodded. He never had an issue carrying Minghao, but even if he did, with the weight he’d lost from everything that had happened, he certainly could now.

Mingyu was very gentle when he lifted him out of the wheelchair, careful not to disrupt his IV or his sleep. Minghao didn’t budge, which was very unlike him, he was always a very light sleeper. Wonwoo wheeled the IV pole for him, and held the door open as they made their way back inside.

“He’s warm," Mingyu mumbled once they were back inside, on their way to Minghao’s room. He sounded so disappointed. Minghao didn’t have a fever earlier that morning, it must have just started spiking. Wonwoo had to sigh out of disappointment, too.

They made it back to the room, and Minghao had woken up at that point, as Mingyu sat him back down on the bed. He looked so tired, like a little kid who’d been woken up from his nap. Mingyu was very careful to take his coat off, apologizing a few times for keeping him up, before he guided him to lie back down. Mingyu tucked him back in with the blanket as Minghao laid down on his side, his cheeks growing a blotchy pink from his fever. Mingyu pressed a hand to his forehead and frowned, looking over at Wonwoo behind him for help.

“Yeah. I’m gonna get someone,” Wonwoo nodded, chewing his lip. He knew a fever wasn’t the worst that could happen, it meant his body was still fighting off the infection, but Wonwoo just wished it would all go away.

He was on his way out when he heard Mingyu sniffle, and he turned around, peering over his shoulder to see if he was crying.

He was.

"Hey...it's okay, Gyu. It's just a fever, he's fine," Wonwoo told him, placing a hand on his shoulder. He watched Mingyu press his lips into a thin line, like he was trying to stop himself from crying, but couldn’t.

“I know - I know, I’m just...I just wish he’d be okay,” he said, his voice breaking just a little bit, “I wish he could come home.”

* * *

"Mr. Park is here?" Seungkwan murmured. He sounded angry and nervous at the same time, but Mingyu wasn’t sure how that could be.

Mingyu felt a shiver run up his spine at the sound of that name. He knew exactly which Mr. Park Seungkwan was talking about, before he even saw him. An old manager of theirs, now a staff member that worked closely with their CEO, his assistant. Someone Mingyu never wanted to see again.

Mingyu sat with a few other members in the waiting room - Jihoon, Seungkwan, Hansol, Junhui, Chan and Wonwoo. It was Seungcheol and Jeonghan’s first time seeing Minghao since he had been admitted, Minghao's first day out of the ICU, and they wanted to give them their time, not crowd them.

"Yeah. He's part of their investigation or whatever," Jihoon grumbled. He was glaring at the man from across the room, but he paid them no mind. He was at the reception desk speaking to a doctor along with some other staff from their company. "He was at the meetings I went to with Seungcheol, too. He kept...calling it a murder, trying to make it Minghao’s fault."

“How could it be Minghao hyung’s fault?” Chan huffed, almost sounding offended for him.

"He hates Minghao hyung and Junhui hyung. He still just...straight up ignores them," Hansol pointed out, pouting when he made eye contact with Junhui. Junhui just nodded, his eyes sad. “I don’t get why they gave him on board.”

“Me neither,” Jihoon grumbled, still giving him an evil eye from across the room. If looks could kill, Mr. Park would have been six feet under years ago.

The way the pieces of the conversation fell together in Mingyu’s head almost made him nauseous. Mr. Park hated Minghao. He was calling it murder when Minghao was still alive. Mr. Park was trying to pin everything on Minghao, call it his fault. Almost like Mr. Park had something to do with it. Almost like Mr. Park was trying to cover something up, distract them.

"Hyung?" Mingyu whispered, trying to swallow the nauseous feeling. "Do you think...what if someone in the company did it? Like, Mr. Park?" he asked, keeping his voice very quiet. "It would make sense. Like, why they haven't found anything yet, and -"

"We can't make accusations like that, Gyu," Jihoon warned. Not quite snapped, but close enough to scare Mingyu. "He would have been caught by now, if it was him."

"They wouldn't let someone that dangerous work for the company," Seungkwan said, but he hesitated. Like he was waiting for the others to agree with him.

"Some of our old staff hit us, Jihoon," Junhui said sternly in reminder. His tone was shaky. Junhui was never stern with Jihoon, even if he was older than him, so he had the attention of all of them. That wasn’t something he liked for anyone to remember, especially not himself. To him, it clearly wasn’t at all out of the realm of possibility for their staff to be involved with what happened to Minghao.

Jihoon was chewing at his lip. "I know. I know," he paused. Mingyu felt the tension between all of them, it was so much he could reach out and touch it. "They'll find who did it. We can't interject right now, okay? We just...we have to wait it out”

The feeling in Mingyu’s stomach didn’t go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehe i suppose things may start to pick up ! stay tuned~~  
I hope you guys liked this one, I really enjoyed writing it! especially the section with wonhao TT TT
> 
> thank you so much to everyone who leaves comments TT TT yall keep me going!!! <3


	14. reblooming venom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well, then who handed it to you?” The investigator said, his eyes back on Minghao. Mr. Park tapped his shoe impatiently. It almost sounded nervous, too. Seungcheol thought that was a bit strange.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so HAPPYYYY.......you guys have been giving so much feedback recently and it makes me so happy to know this is easy to follow and makes sense and is interesting enough that some of you guys are just reading it all in one go TT TT thank you so so so much. I'm gonna be really sad when this fic ends omg...you guys are the best and make this so much fun to write!!!
> 
> but for now, the climax approaches :)
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect.  
it's just fiction! <3

“Are you sure you’re okay to do this? I can ask them to come another day, Hao.”

Seungcheol was already irritated, and he hadn’t even seen any of the staff aside from Manager Jeon, yet.

It was Minghao’s first day out of the ICU, and Seungcheol and Jeonghan’s first time seeing him since the second time he was admitted to the hospital. He seemed to be doing a lot better - talking, coherent, not as tired or in as much pain as Joshua and Jihoon had been describing to him all week. But Seungcheol didn’t think he was ready to meet with all of the staff.

“They said I’ll forget more details if I wait longer,” Minghao murmured. Jeonghan was sitting in the chair they had pulled up for him beside Minghao’s bed, his frown growing as the conversation went on. He didn’t like it either.

“Did you remember anything important?” Seungcheol asked him, leaning against the wall.

They wanted to continue their investigation. Some of the Pledis staff had arrived already, Manager Jeon included. They were just waiting for the others - the music show staff, and police or whoever. Seungcheol didn’t care to look into it. He understood the need to continue it, but he didn’t understand what Minghao could tell them that they didn’t already know. He was more confused than anyone, Seungcheol could tell them that.

“Not - not really, no. But I might remember if they ask me...I don’t know. I just - I don’t want to risk waiting longer, hyung,” Minghao said with a sigh. He was conflicted, too, but of course he was taking the blame. “What if it happens to someone else?”

“That wouldn’t be your fault, sweetheart,” Jeonghan interjected almost immediately, his voice gentle as he took Minghao’s hand into his.

Minghao only looked at him briefly, his eyes then traveling back down to his hands. “But if I wait, I wouldn’t be able to help to stop it.”

Seungcheol had to sigh. He was a very stubborn kid. He always had been.

“Okay. If you feel like you have to, we’ll do it,” Seungcheol decided, taking his weight off of the wall behind him. They didn’t exactly have a choice in the matter, but if Minghao didn’t want to do it, Seungcheol would make certain that that’s how it would go.

They were quiet for a moment, Minghao’s eyes still studying his hands and the sheets covering his legs. Jeonghan’s eyes met Seungcheol’s, and the look he gave him was so sad, and somehow, Seungcheol knew exactly what he was trying to say. He was worried, of course he was, but he was more concerned about how this would affect him - the whole investigation. It had already messed with his head enough to at least partially cause what landed him in the hospital a second time.

Jeonghan looked back to Minghao, lowering his head a little, hoping Minghao would look back at him, but he didn’t. The younger just sighed. He had a lot on his mind, Seungcheol could tell.

Jeonghan suddenly got up to wrap his arms around him, tightly, much to Minghao’s surprise. His eyes went wide and he looked at Seungcheol before looking at Jeonghan, and then patted his arm.

“I’m sorry. I had to,” Jeonghan said after a few moments, not letting go. His voice sounded a little shaky, like he was near tears but doing everything in his power not to cry.

“It’s okay,” Minghao told him, almost in a whisper.

Jeonghan let go and sat back down in his chair, taking Minghao’s hand into both of his once again, frown deepening as his eyes met the latter’s. “I’m so proud of you. You’re doing so well. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, Hao,” he said softly when Minghao finally looked at him again. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” Minghao said back, his eyebrows furrowing a bit out of concerns. “I’m sorry for making you worry so much. Gyu told me what happened.”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault,” Jeonghan assured him, but Minghao didn’t seem very convinced. “I’m just glad you’re okay now. And that I’m here with you again.”

Mingyu didn’t tell Minghao the whole story, Jeonghan asked them not to say too much to Minghao if they didn’t need to, for fear of worrying him more. Seungcheol wasn’t quite sure why it all affected him so badly this time around. He’d heard that he fainted when they first found out Minghao was missing, and from that point forward, he was a mess. He wouldn’t eat, either wouldn’t sleep or would sleep all day, fall into full blown breakdowns without much warning, something he was never really prone to, especially not multiple times in such a short time span.

Jeonghan said he’d had a dream the night before it happened, about the same thing happening - Minghao disappearing. Except in his dream, Minghao didn’t come back - they never found him. Seungcheol had to tell him multiple times that Minghao was safe because Jeonghan just didn’t believe him, he thought they were making it up to console him, the others had to send him photos as proof - but sometimes, that made it worse, just made him worry more.

These kids were Jeonghan’s family. His everything. He was hysterical because he thought he was going to lose one of them. Seungcheol knew the feeling just as well.

Seungcheol was so glad Jeonghan was okay enough to finally see him for himself. He was doing a lot better just because of that. Seungcheol needed time, too - but everyone was doing okay, now. Okay was better than nothing.

There was a little knock on the outside wall, and Seungcheol turned around the corner into the hallway to see who it was so Jeonghan wouldn’t have to get up. Manager Jeon.

“Hi, hyung,” Seungcheol said.

“They want to start coming in. They said you can stay, but they don’t want Jeonghan in there,” he said with a sigh, clearly one that came from annoyance. “It doesn’t make any sense, but they won’t let me fight them on it.”

“It’s okay. I figured, they were weird about Jihoon being there for the other meetings too,” Seungcheol said before a long sigh. “There’s not chance they’ll move it?”

“No, I tried. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you for trying,” Seungcheol said. He had tried to convince Manager Jeon to talk the staff out of this and do it another time, but he didn’t expect much to come out of it. They didn’t think very highly of Manager Jeon, his opinion didn’t matter much to them. But it was worth a shot. “I’ll tell him.”

He walked back in with a pouty frown, and Jeonghan looked up and returned one. Minghao looked back and forth between them, slightly confused.

“I have to go?” Jeonghan murmured, his tone like that of a child who was being put in time out.

“They said you have to go,” Seungcheol confirmed, returning the same tone of voice. “I’ll get someone to help you out. I don’t want to leave Minghao alone.”

“I can walk on my own, Seungcheol,” Jeonghan huffed, trying to prove his point as he got up out of his chair, only to lean on it and blink away a dizzy spell. That had been happening a lot recently. Seungcheol knew Jeonghan’s vertigo was tied to his stress, but he didn’t usually need help walking because of it.

“Hyung?” Minghao murmured, his voice small and concerned as he reached a hand out, looking like he wanted to help him.

“I’m okay, sweetheart. I’ve just been a little dizzy the past few days,” Jeonghan told him gently, trying to pull himself out of it as soon as he realized he was worrying Minghao, but Seungcheol could tell it hadn't really gone away. “I really need to drink more water. I think that should help.”

“You really do,” Seungcheol said. “I’m putting the kids on hydrate Jeonghan duty.”

“That’s fair,” Jeonghan said with a pout again, and his attention went back to Minghao. “You tell Seungcheol if it’s too much for you, okay? Don’t make me worry about you.”

Minghao gave him a little nod. “Are you gonna come back when they’re done?” he asked meekly.

“Do you want me to?” Jeonghan asked, and gave the warmest smile when Minghao nodded a yes. “Of course I’ll come back, then,” he told him, leaning down to hug him for a third time. Physical touch was so important to him. It helped a lot with what he was dealing with. Seungcheol felt guilty for having to take that away from him so soon, but he hoped their investigation wouldn’t last too long. Jeonghan had the kids to help him, too.

Manager Jeon appeared in the doorway again, presumably to help Jeonghan back to the waiting room with the kids, which Seungcheol was thankful for. He made sure to tell Manager Jeon to make sure Jeonghan was drinking water, and he told Seungcheol not to worry, that their first stop was going to be a water fountain.

He took his arm and walked out with him, and Jeonghan gave Seungcheol a worried look as he left. Like he knew this whole thing wouldn’t end well.

"He missed you so much," Seungcheol said after a while with a little sigh, taking the seat that Jeonghan had left. "He's been worried sick about you."

Minghao didn’t say anything, his eyes down again. Seungcheol was starting to worry about him more. 

"Hao, I don’t want you to think any of this is your fault. You didn't choose this, not a second of it, okay?" Seungcheol said sternly. His heart would shatter if Minghao truly blamed himself for any of this. "No one blames you for any of it."

"I know," Minghao said very dejectedly, clear enough that he didn't actually believe that. His voice was starting to sound a little hoarse again, like it was hurting him to speak. Seungcheol looked down at Minghao's hands, where Minghao was looking, to see him messing with his ring.

Seungcheol curled up a fist and tapped Minghao's ring with his own. Minghao's hands stopped moving. He looked so tired, all of a sudden.

“You okay?” Seungcheol asked, frowning.

“Just a headache,” Minghao murmured, but he straightened up as soon as the staff started to file into the room, as if it no longer bothered him in the slightest.

Everything was suddenly tense. There were around seven of them - no, eight staff in the room. Three from their company, three from the music show, and two that Seungcheol didn't recognize. Probably part of the police investigation.

"Good morning," one of the music show staff greeted coldly. He didn't mean it. None of them looked particularly welcoming, aside from the employee of their company that spoke Mandarin. Minghao was okay with her, but for the sole reason that he had something in common with her. The presence of Mr. Park and the man with him, the third of the company staff, Mr. Cha, far outweighed any sort of comfort either of them had with anyone in the room.

Manager Jeon stepped inside. None of them seemed to like that very much, but he stayed focused on Minghao and Seungcheol, not paying any mind to anyone else. Seungcheol gave him a quick glance, silently asking him to step in and help if things got out of hand. Seungcheol had a feeling it would come to that, at some point. The tense atmosphere didn’t help.

“Do you know of anyone who would have any reason to do this to you?” They started almost immediately - one of the investigators. Seungcheol was a little taken aback that they didn’t ask anything else first to lead into it. They just got straight to the point.

Minghao didn’t answer right away. Seungcheol could feel how nervous he was. He must have felt incredibly vulnerable, lying in a hospital bed, surrounded by all these people. He wasn’t even entirely comfortable with his members seeing him like this. He knew he wasn’t quite ready for it yet. He shouldn’t have been forced to share traumatic events with strangers. And worse, some people that didn’t particularly like them.

Seungcheol gave a little sigh. “I’m sorry, sir. He still isn’t well, I don’t think we should-”

“I don’t...I don’t know. I don’t think I know anyone,” Minghao murmured, interrupting Seungcheol. He had slipped his hand out of Seungcheol’s grip when he started, like he was trying to tell him he didn’t need his help. Seungcheol chewed at his lip. “Do you think...they tried to hurt me specifically?”

“It’s hard to say at the moment,” the man simply dismissed. He jotted something into the notebook he held. “Do you remember anything from that day that seemed suspicious? Anything at all.”

Minghao looked down, like he was trying to think. Seungcheol knew he didn’t remember anything. Asking him wouldn’t make him remember. “Nothing...out of the ordinary,” he decided. Seungcheol couldn’t remember anything either. They had asked him this question at one of their meetings.

“Well, who handed you the water?” Mr. Park suddenly interjected.

Seungcheol watched Minghao shiver as soon as he heard that.

“Please don’t interfere with the questioning, sir,” The other investigator, the one who hadn’t yet spoken, said. Although, he didn’t seem too bothered by it. He just treated it like a minor inconvenience.

“You’re asking too vaguely. We need to get into the specifics,” Mr. Park snapped, turning his attention back to Minghao as he crossed his arms over his chest, “Who handed you the water? Someone must have known which one had the poison. There’s no way it was just randomly placed in one bottle and sent off. He had to have been targeted. Anyone who touched the bottle played a part.”

“That’s a bold claim to make,” The head investigator commented, raising a brow.

Mr. Park snorted. “We do have to explore all avenues,” he said with a roll of his eyes. 

“Well, then who handed it to you?” The investigator said, his eyes back on Minghao. Mr. Park tapped his shoe impatiently. It almost sounded nervous, too. Seungcheol thought that was a bit strange.

Minghao didn’t answer. Seungcheol watched the panic grow in his eyes - like he was in danger of falling back into his delusion any moment, if anyone said another word. Mingyu probably handed out the water. He almost always did that, he liked helping the staff out with things like that. Mingyu would never do something like this to his best friend. Seungcheol prayed that Minghao was okay enough now to know that.

"Hm. Maybe you still need more Korean lessons," Mr. Park huffed under his breath after he deemed Minghao’s silence to be too long for him.

“What the hell is wrong with you!?”

Seungcheol spat at the man, his chair getting knocked over in the process of him standing up. He saw Minghao flinch at the sound. Seungcheol wouldn’t sit by and let it happen, let him treat Minghao like a child that couldn’t think for himself. They had done it since the moment he moved to Korea. Minghao hated that more than anything, that they would use that to put him down, patronize him. Seungcheol was so fucking tired of it. Especially now.

“Do any of you have any idea what he’s gone through? The thoughts he’s had?” Seungcheol growled, scanning every one of them. He saw the concern on Manager Jeon’s face grow. “You don’t have any right to come in here and ask him things like that when it doesn’t have anything to do with what we’re discussing. My members had no part in this. They would never even think about participating in anything like this. They’ve been worried sick about him for weeks, some of them can’t even sleep. Maybe you’d see that if your head wasn’t so far up your ass. Maybe you’d see how much they’re hurting. How much Minghao’s been hurting.”

“Quiet down,” Mr. Park snapped back.

“Seungcheol, that’s enough,” Manager Jeon interjected, albeit very quietly, more trying to do damage control than anything else. Seungcheol didn’t stop.

“Stop treating him like he’s a victim character in some crime show. He’s my family. He’s my members’ family. He’ll never be the same because of this,” Seungcheol spat, his voice breaking very slightly towards the end. He wouldn’t be the same. And he wasn’t going to let them damage him any further. "And before you tell me to  _ quiet down _ again. I won't. I’m not letting you do this to him. Get out. Stay away from us. Stay away from him."

Seungcheol’s heart was pounding as he sat back down, but he kept his glare strong on them, especially Mr. Park. He never wanted to see his face again. Doing things like that sent his anxiety through the roof, but he did it for his family. Every time.

“Waste of time,” Mr. Park grumbled as he made his way out of the room, the two others from the company following him. The music show staff filed out as well, and the investigators seemed forced to leave too, although they were a bit confused with what had just happened and why, it seemed. He heard one mumble something about rescheduling.

Manager Jeon gave Seungcheol an  _ I’ll take care of it  _ look before he left, and closed the door behind him.

Seungcheol pulled Minghao into his arms as soon as the door shut. He was shaking so badly, Seungcheol hadn’t noticed that until he was holding him. He couldn’t stand it. He didn’t deserve a single second of that. Seungcheol felt guilty for escalating it, but he had to. He hoped Minghao understood.

“We're not doing that again any time soon. You're not ready for it yet," Seungcheol said, and he felt Minghao nod against his shoulder. “I’m sorry for yelling.”

“It’s okay,” Minghao whispered against his chest, using the little strength he had to hold him back.

“They wouldn’t even know how good your Korean has gotten. They don’t ever bother to listen to you talk,” Seungcheol huffed after a pause, pulling out of the hug to look at Minghao and smile. It faded as soon as he noticed something was wrong. Minghao wasn’t looking at him, Seungcheol watched the discomfort on his features grow. “Hey, you okay?” he asked gently.

"I don't feel well," he murmured, his voice a little shaky. Seungcheol knew he never said that for no reason.

“Like, nauseous?” Seungcheol asked, brows furrowed, and Minghao nodded.

Seungcheol grabbed the pan from the end of the bed and held it out for him, but it seemed a lot more like Minghao was having trouble breathing than anything else. Almost like a panic attack. Seungcheol remembered thinking the same exact thing when he first found Minghao, when everything was first happening, but he was pretty sure he was right this time. His condition certainly seemed to make it worse, though.

"You should try to rest, okay? You've had a long day. Your body needs it," Seungcheol tried to tell him calmly, but Minghao still hung his head over the pan, his breaths heavy and irregular. He still hadn’t thrown up and hadn’t shown any signs that he would. Seungcheol wasn’t sure how he could help him.

"Do you need me to get the doctor?" Seungcheol asked carefully.

"I think so," Minghao mumbled between breaths.

Seungcheol’s heart hurt, but he was so thankful that Minghao was accepting the help. "Okay."

* * *

Seungcheol was able to get the nurses back in pretty fast. He held Minghao's hand as they looked him over again, lying him back and checking his vitals, putting a breathing mask back over his face. He looked miserable, like every second that passed made him feel worse. Seungcheol didn’t let go of his hand, though, hoping it would give him at least a little bit of comfort.

Jeonghan came back with Manager Jeon when the nurses finished and left. He saw just how angry Jeonghan was, too, but he covered all of it up for Minghao, Jeonghan was pretty good at that. Seungcheol, not so much, but he tried. Jeonghan spoke to him so gently, told him sweet things. Said it would be really nice when they could all go to dinner together again when Minghao felt okay enough to. Told him about how he hoped they could all visit his hometown in China one day.

Seungcheol stepped out of the room with Manager Jeon for a moment, but still in front of the window where he could see the two of them from the hallway. He almost started to speak to Manager Jeon before he noticed Minghao sit up and take off the breathing mask. Jeonghan was holding the pan below his chin, now, clearly he was feeling sick again.

"You're okay. Just breathe, my love," Jeonghan told him gently, his hand on the younger's nape. Seungcheol could hardly hear his voice through the door, but he could still hear how sweet he was with him. Minghao threw up after a few seconds, like Jeonghan’s words had finally given him permission to. Jeonghan looked heartbroken, one hand rubbing his back as the other held the pan. "There we go…you're okay..."

He set it aside when he was done, and helped Minghao lie back down, on his side, this time. Jeonghan slid a pillow in between Minghao’s arms, something for him to hold, and Minghao seemed to be able to relax, finally, his eyes looking heavy.

"I wish they would've waited," Seungcheol murmured, pulling his eyes away from the window. "He tried to convince himself he was ready just to please them. He wasn't ready. Not even close."

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I’ll try to make sure this doesn’t happen again. I don’t know what they were thinking, interrogating him just after he was released from the ICU. It’s ridiculous,” Manager Jeon huffed. “No regard for his health or well being or anything. At all.”

“Yeah,” Seungcheol said with a sigh. That was usually how it went, unfortunately.

“I can go tell everyone how it went,” Manager Jeon said. “Probably best not to have more visitors right now?”

“Probably, yeah,” Seungcheol nodded, sliding down against the window so he was sitting on the floor. He was exhausted, all of a sudden. He just needed a moment to sit down.

“Are you okay, Seungcheol?” his manager asked him, quietly, as to not alert Jeonghan through the door.

“I’m okay. I just need a second,” he almost whispered, pressing the palms of his hands to his eyelids, as if that would give any sort of relief. He heard Manager Jeon walk away after a handful of seconds, telling Seungcheol he would explain to the others what happened.

Seungcheol was disappointed in himself for never being ready for any of this. He thought, with all the time he got to rest, that he could handle all of this again, but he couldn’t. His heart ached for Minghao so badly. It was hard to look at him sometimes, even though he seemed to be doing a lot better compared to everything before.

He was thankful he had stood up for him, though. But of course, he would do that for him no matter what. He meant every word he said with his entire heart.

He forced himself off of the floor after a few moments, using the window behind him as leverage. He was almost too disheartened to go back into the room, but he did it anyway, he knew he had to.

Jeonghan had turned the lights off and shut the blinds, it looked like, and Minghao was still on his side, nearly asleep. Jeonghan’s hand ran slowly and carefully up and down his arm from the chair beside his bed. His concern weighed heavily on his features, like it had suddenly aged and exhausted him. Seungcheol felt the same way.

"He's asleep now?" Seungcheol asked, his voice quiet.

"Almost," Jeonghan whispered, never taking his eyes or hand off of him. 

Seungcheol leaned against the wall, watching for a few minutes until Minghao was finally asleep. He could only tell by how his breathing changed - slow, relaxed, a drastic change from what it was before. Seungcheol really hoped he would be able to sleep well - have a nice dream, at least.

His eyes traveled up to Jeonghan’s face, and before he could even fully register it, Jeonghan was in tears, lip quivering, his hands moving up to his face. Seungcheol’s heart dropped a little further, walking over to him and hugging him, which Jeonghan returned gratefully.

They didn’t need to say anything, they both knew exactly what the other was thinking. They had talked about it at least a hundred times. About how it wasn’t fair, Minghao didn’t deserve this, that either one of them would take it onto themselves if they could - but they couldn’t. So they had to resort to watching Minghao suffer like this.

Seungcheol knew that wishing it was over wouldn’t do a single thing, but he wished for it anyway.

* * *

“Where’s the vending machine?” Chan asked as he stood up, eying his group of very sad looking friends. 

Manager Jeon had come by a while ago to tell them what happened. He told them that the investigation didn’t seem to be really going anywhere, and that Minghao needed some more time to rest. He didn’t give too much detail, Chan figured that was probably for a reason, so no one asked for more.

"There's one down the hall by the front desk, but that one sucks. The one on the other side has way better stuff," Jihoon told him, his voice heavy with exhaustion. He looked too tired to even bother pointing him in the right direction, his head leaned on Junhui’s shoulder.

"I can show you," Hansol told him, standing up from his chair. Chan didn't even think he was listening. He had his airpods in.

"Cool. Thanks, hyung," Chan nodded, waiting for Hansol to start leading the way for him, and the closely following behind him. Jihoon called out behind them to be careful and come back quickly. Chan wasn’t too worried, he figured a hospital was probably one of the safest places to be.

Chan guessed that Hansol was probably anxious to do something. He didn’t usually like just sitting around, especially in a place like this. He’d been bouncing his leg nearly the entire time since they saw Mr. Park in the waiting room.

"What're you listening to?" Chan asked him, trying to walk beside him instead of behind.

"Oh, nothing, actually," he said, probably just then realizing that he still had them in his ears. "They're dead."

Chan raised an eyebrow. "Maybe...charge them?" he suggested, but Hansol just shrugged. Chan wished he could at least guess what he was thinking, but he couldn’t read him at all.

They walked in silence beside each other for a while, and Chan didn’t realize how far away the other waiting room was, probably on the other side of the hospital, that made the most sense. He wasn’t really sure what to say, what sort of conversation to have. Hansol didn’t really tell Chan a whole lot of personal feeling stuff. Hansol usually had those conversations with Minghao.

Chan forgot a lot of the time that Hansol was the second youngest, after him. He wasn’t a child by any means, he certainly knew how to take care of himself, but he relied on the older members a lot too, just like Chan did.

He hoped that Hansol was talking to one of them, at least. Seungkwan, maybe Jihoon.

“How long do you think, until everything’s normal again?” Hansol asked, his voice a little quiet. His expression looked sad, worried, like he was expecting a bad answer. Chan didn’t know what to tell him. He didn’t know either. He didn’t know if things would even be normal again.

“I dunno, hyung,” Chan answered dejectedly, “I think everything just has to go step-by-step for now.”

“Yeah,” Hansol nodded, and then, they were silent again.

They got to the vending machine and put in the codes for what they wanted, and a few things for the others, too. Hansol paid for all of it, even though Chan offered to first, but Hansol was usually like that with him. 

They managed to get a bag from the front desk for all of their snacks, and just before they started to head back, Chan hugged Hansol for a few seconds. He knew they both needed it. Hansol thanked him, and they started back on their way.

“Actually, I’m gonna go pee. Was there a bathroom back there?” Hansol asked, turning his head once they were already down the hall.

“I see one further up,” Chan pointed at the little sign that poked out into the hallway. Hansol handed the bag of snacks to Chan and disappeared into the restrooms.

Chan leaned against the wall for a second before deciding he wanted a drink of water, even though he had gotten a Coke from the vending machine. There was one further up the hallway at the corner, a little far but close enough that Hansol would probably see him if he was standing there.

On his way over, he heard a familiar voice, and tucked himself into the indentation of the wall. It sounded a bit like Wonwoo, a deep voice, and Chan’s first instinct was to hide and scare him. He had done it earlier already, Chan would be really impressed with himself if he could pull it off again.

He realized after a few seconds of listening, though, that it wasn’t Wonwoo. Or any of the members, actually. But it was definitely a familiar voice.

"They don't suspect a thing. They're just running in circles. We'll pin it on the music show staff in the final meeting and then done. Then this whole mess can just be over."

Chan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. That was Mr. Park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> winks at u ;) here we goooo...


	15. i didn't want to open my eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was them. They poisoned Minghao. And Chan had proof to accuse them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so sorry ! i got a new job and i work like 45 hrs a week and i have no time to write lol but WE GOT THIS! WE IN THIS TIL IT'S DONE!
> 
> enjoy ;)
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect.  
it's just fiction! <3

Chan couldn’t believe what he was hearing at first. It felt like a pool of lava was forming in the pit of his stomach - he had eavesdropped on the members before, but it was always just stupid arguements - Seungkwan was mad at Soonyoung, or Mingyu said something he shouldn’t have to Jeonghan - nothing like this. That was definitely Mr. Park speaking. He was talking about the investigation. And it sounded like he was involved with what was happening.

Chan felt nauseous, he still couldn’t even really process what he was hearing, but his hands were working faster than his mind was. He pulled his phone out and started to record a video, even though he really just needed the sound. He stood as still and was as quiet as he possibly could be.

"Don't you think he's getting suspicious? He wasn't having it when you accused the group members,” another voice said, and based on who had shown up for the investigation, Chan guessed it was Mr. Cha.

"He has no proof of anything,” Mr. Park snapped a little louder than he should have. Chan saw a nurse’s head turn at the end of the hallway. His next sentence was quiet, almost a soundless whisper, but Chan heard every word of it. “He would never find out it was us."

Chan's hands were shaking so much he was afraid he would drop his phone. It was them. They poisoned Minghao. And Chan had proof to accuse them.

He didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t sure if he should run the other direction, confront them, get Hansol - he had no idea. Never in his life had he expected to be in a situation like this. He was terrified. What if they saw him? What if they knew he was there, what if they were just trying to bait him? His mind was firing at a thousand miles a minute.

Before he could even really decide on what to do, he heard their footsteps start in his direction, and they turned the corner before Chan could decide how to react.

"Oh - Mr. Park. Mr. Cha,” Chan started as soon as they made eye contact with him. Mr. Cha’s eyes were as wide as plates, but Mr. Park kept his serious composure. His stare drilled holes into Chan - they both saw his phone, they both had to have noticed it was recording, but Chan stuffed his phone into his pocket, as casually as he could. “Do you know where the waiting room is? I lost my way getting snacks," he said, showing them the bag, like he was trying to give proof.

"Chan…" Park started, his eyes narrowing. Mr. Cha’s eyes were still wide with horror. He knew, he had to have. "Down the hall this way, I believe,” he answered, pointing the way that Chan knew already. He was looking down the hallway, like he was checking for other members, or people.

"Oh, whoops. Thanks," Chan started, not sure what to do. He didn’t want to leave Hansol, but he couldn’t stay where he was. He took one step before Mr. Park said something again. Chan was shaking so bad he nearly tripped.

"Chan," Mr. Park started again, his voice incredibly cold. "Was your phone not taken? The hospital doesn't allow cellular usage within the building. Everyone else's phones were taken already."

That wasn’t true. He was lying. He knew Chan was recording something. 

"Oh, really? Well, I'm not using it. Plus, I need to call my manager for when I need my ride home,” he babbled nervously, his tongue tripping over his words. “And I’m supposed to call my members who are at home to update them,” he said. They were both true statements. Mr. Park wouldn’t know, or care. He was just some big company executive now that didn’t want anything to do with him and his hyungs.

"We'll take care of that. Go ahead and hand me your phone," Mr. Park said sternly, his hand held out, expecting Chan to give him the phone without any hesitation. Chan would never do that. He had proof, because this man was stupid enough to open his mouth about what he did. Chan was not going to let him get away with hurting his hyung.

He had no idea what to do, but he had to think of something. Something that ensured that his phone wouldn't be taken.

So he got on the floor and started to scream.

This was all that he knew that would work. If he went into the bathrooms with Hansol, they would corner him. He couldn’t run, they were both blocking his way. If he screamed, someone would hear him, maybe a nurse would think he was in pain, and take him away. Maybe they would think Mr. Park was hurting him. Maybe Hansol would hear, and Chan could pass his phone to him. It had to work. Chan wasn’t going to let it not work.

He heard footsteps rushing towards him, someone asking the two company staff to step away from him, and Chan curled into a ball. It helped that he was shaking so much, it made it more believable, but honestly, it wasn’t all fake. He was terrified. He wanted to scream from frustration and anger and sorrow and everything.

“Can we get a stretcher over here?” One of the nurses called out. Chan suddenly felt guilty again for tricking them, but he looked up and the men were still there, and he knew he couldn’t stop. They could just convince the nurses that they were his bodyguards and heeded his phone. They would find a way to take it from him.

“Chan?” Chan heard Hansol call from down the hall before he ran over, and Chan saw a stretcher coming from the other side. “Chan, are you okay?” he stammered, his voice so shaky Chan could hardly understand him. He was so confused.

They had brought out the stretcher and laid it down to put Chan on it, and he took that chance, with Hansol kneeling down next to it, to pull his phone out of his pocket and slide it beside him.

"Hyung - hyung, take my phone. Hide it. Please, please," Chan begged quickly and quietly. Hansol's eyes were wild, clearly he was insanely concerned, and Chan still felt horrible setting up a lie like this, but it was the only thing he could think of in the moment. He would worry about apologizing later. He just needed to be away from them and he could tell the nurses he was fine and go back to Hansol.

"Chan, what-" Hansol said, looking at the phone on the floor, but begging for some sort of explanation.

" _ Please,  _ hyung-"

Hansol slid Chan's phone into his jacket pocket without another word, and the nurses took him away. He did it. Now he just had to hope that this all worked, somehow.

* * *

“They left a while ago,” Junhui answered a little nervously when Seungcheol asked where Hansol and Chan had gone. 

Seungcheol knew that Hansol had expressed wanting to go home, and Seungcheol was planning on doing the same. He was exhausted. He was worried about Minghao, of course he was, but it wouldn’t do either of them any good if Seungcheol sat around and waited for him to get better.

But now, he had another thing to worry about.

“They just went to get snacks, right? From the good vending machine,” Seungkwan asked, sounding even more concerned than Seungcheol felt. “I can call him…” he said, already pulling up Hansol’s contact.

“I can just go look for them. Maybe they got distracted,” Seungcheol said, trying to brush off the feeling of dread that was starting to overcome him. He knew something was wrong. He didn’t know what, or what about all of this was sending off alarms in his head, but they were always right.

Seungkwan’s call didn’t get answered, and at that point, everyone looked evenly concerned.

“Will one of you go to Minghao’s room so Jeonghan isn’t alone? Manager Jeon is up there, I think, but he can’t stay long,” Seungcheol said, and Mingyu immediately stood up to do so, but he hugged Wonwoo before he left. Wonwoo had been half asleep on his shoulder. “And, if someone wants to come with me.”

“I’ll come,” Jihoon said. Seungkwan looked like he wanted to come, too, but Wonwoo had already claimed his shoulder after Mingyu had left, and Seungkwan probably didn’t have the heart to take it away from him. Junhui gave Jihoon a nod of affirmation that he would watch the two of them, without Jihoon even needing to ask him.

Seungcheol knew something was coming. He didn't know if it was good or bad, but it didn't feel good. Jihoon gave him a look at some point, telling him he felt the exact same way. He didn't want his thoughts to spiral. He didn't want to remember what happened to Minghao, but the scene played in his head over and over, because he had felt this way just before that moment too.

There wasn't anything he could do. He would just have to face it and handle it the best he could. That was his job.

The walk to the other waiting room wasn’t terribly long, but it felt three times as long as it should have. He felt like his brain knew deep down what was coming. Seungcheol hadn’t figured it out yet, maybe he just didn’t want to accept it, but he felt like he knew.

Hansol's wrists were both cuffed to the chair they had sat him in, one all the way at the edge of the waiting room. Seungcheol could never say he had seemed Hansol truly angry, but this came pretty close. He didn’t look up.

Mr. Park had a broken nose. At least, it looked pretty broken. Crooked, blood smeared over his cheek. He was fuming.

Seungcheol figured those puzzle pieces fit pretty nicely.

"What's going on?" Seungcheol asked, making himself known. The two security guards turned to look at him, but didn't say anything. They looked a little confused, like they weren’t sure how to answer.

"These - these  _ delinquents  _ punched me in the  _ face  _ because they refused to listen to me," he snarled, spitting when he spoke, the blood from his nose mixing in. Seungcheol backed up. "He's lucky I had the decency to not hit back. The only reason he has a career is because of his pretty-boy face."

"If you don't shut the fuck up I'll break that ugly nose of yours for real," Jihoon snapped back, his tone low and quiet but loud enough for Mr. Park to hear. Seungcheol was a little taken aback that Jihoon said that, usually he was good at keeping comments like that to himself, but he was glad he did. Seungcheol almost said the same exact thing.

"That's enough," one of the security guards interjected. "We've notified your company and they're on their way. I advise you not to escalate the situation further."

Seungcheol didn't care what he had to say, he wanted to figure out what was going on here. He lowered his gaze to find a cell phone in Mr. Park's hand - but it wasn't his. That was Hansol's phone. He knew because of the colorful case, Minghao had gotten that for him for his birthday not too long ago.

He looked down to Hansol, who still hadn't lifted his head. He shuffled a bit, he must've noticed Seungcheol was looking at him, and Seungcheol saw the imprint of something in his jacket pocket, briefly. It looked like a cell phone.

Seungcheol was trying to put this together. Chan wasn't anywhere to be seen. Mr. Park had Hansol's phone, but Hansol was trying to show Seungcheol that he had one in his pocket too. Maybe it was Chan's. What could that mean? Why was Hansol trying to show him that?

"Give me his phone." Seungcheol almost growled, his hand outstretched toward Mr. Park for it. Clearly this situation was centered around that phone, and Seungcheol was going to set it straight. "You don't have any right to take our things."

"Says who?" Mr. Park scoffed. “Your managers? You know I have authority over them.”

Seungcheol knew he couldn't win, but he had to try. Something wasn't right here. Hansol was desperately trying to tell him that.

"I do. Give it to me," Seungcheol snarled. He could see the security guard eyeing him in his peripheral vision.

"No manners, these kids. Idols are so self-entitled, aren't they?" Mr. Park laughed dryly as he made eye contact with the security guard. He didn't react. "Say please,” he spat, looking back at Seungcheol.

Seungcheol wanted nothing more than to punch his nose in even further. 

"Please give him the phone, sir. Don't make this difficult," The other security guard said with a sigh.

"I will return this phone when I please. Lee Chan does not need it if he's not here," Mr. Park huffed. “He doesn’t really need it at all. If it were up to me, none of you kids would even be allowed to have phones,” he grumbled under his breath.

Mr. Park thought the phone he was holding was Chan's. Easy mistake, their cases looked similar, but not that much that they couldn’t be told apart. Chan must have had something on his phone that Mr. Park didn't want him to have.

But Hansol had Chan's phone.

"Hyung, it's fine. Just let him have it, it's not worth it," Hansol murmured, finally looking up at Seungcheol, now he could really see the desperate look in his eyes, but there was a hint of confusion there too. He wasn't sure what was going on either, but he must have been confirming Seungcheol’s thoughts, telling him that his own phone wasn't important.

Seungcheol gave a shaky sigh, looking back up to see Mr. Park's stupid smug smile.

"Where's Chan?" Seungcheol asked, facing the security guard.

He heard quick footsteps rushing toward them, and of course with perfect timing, Chan appeared with them in the waiting room. His eyes were wild when they met Seungcheol's, his breath heavy, and as soon as he saw Mr. Park, he stumbled back.

"Hyung, I…" he started, as suddenly, he noticed Mr. Park tense up. Chan's eyes scanned over everything around him - ending at the phone in Mr. Park's hand, before he looked back to Seungcheol. He was frozen, he didn't know what to do. It was because of Mr. Park, Seungcheol was sure of it.

Mr. Cha suddenly appeared, from the same direction as where Chan came from, followed by another security guard. His eyes immediately met Mr. Park's, full of fear, and Seungcheol took that moment of distraction to bend down and pretend to hug Hansol, sliding the phone out of his pocket and into his own. Mr. Park didn't seem to notice, but the security guard did.

Hansol nodded.

"I'm going to need both of you to exit the building, please," the security guard suddenly said, making direct eye contact with Mr. Park. "You can wait for your company people there. They should be arriving soon, anyway."

Mr. Park suddenly looked angry, but he didn't dare defy what the security guard told him. He thought he had what he wanted, so he was good to go. "Fine. But you'd better not uncuff him. He’s dangerous," he grumbled, turning around and heading for the exit, two of the three security guards leaving with them after the one who spoke gave them eye contact.

As soon as he was gone, Seungcheol pulled Chan's phone out and handed it to him.

"What on earth is going on here?" The security guard asked as Chan scrambled through his phone to find something. He was almost sweating.

Jihoon peered over Chan's phone, an eyebrow raised, probably just as confused as the security guard was. Seungcheol was terrified. What was he going to show them?

Chan's hands were shaking so badly that Jihoon offered to hold the phone for him as he played a video for them. He heard shuffling and saw only the hospital floor, and Jihoon turned up the volume.

"Chan, what is this-" Jihoon started before they heard Mr. Cha's voice from the video. It was quiet, Jihoon turned the volume up more, they could still hear it.

_ "Don't you think he's getting suspicious? He wasn't having it when you accused the group members,” _

Seungcheol's heart was suddenly in his throat.

He knew that was about him, but that wasn't the part that suddenly made him dizzy. It was the word suspicious. 

_ "He has no proof of anything,"  _ Mr. Park responded coldly, his next sentence suddenly much quieter.  _ "He would never find out it was us." _

Seungcheol felt like he was going to pass out. It was difficult to understand without context, but Seungcheol had all of the context. He has just heard Mr. Park openly admit to poisoning Minghao. To trying to end his life.

Part of him had imagined this moment to be one of celebration. They did it. They had the culprit and the proof. But it was so somber. No one said a word. Seungcheol felt like he couldn't breathe. He couldn't even put his thoughts together.

“Who - who is that?” Hansol asked, his eyes on all three of them. “That’s Mr. Park, isn't it? He did it? It was him?”

"Someone's with Minghao, right?" Seungcheol said, having trouble processing all of this all at once. He needed to make sure Minghao was safe first. Part of him wanted to break off from the rest of them and go see him, but he had to face this. It didn't matter that he couldn't see straight, that his whole body was shaking.

“Jeonghan and Wonwoo are with him," Jihoon reminded him. Seungcheol nodded, trying to focus. What was next? What now?

"This seems far too complicated for me to understand, but I'll offer my help if it's needed," the security guard who had commented earlier interjected.

“Did he - he called the company? Mr. Park?" Seungcheol asked.

"He did. They should be here any minute," the security guard said, "but they're here because of the, uh, altercation."

"You need to show this to them, hyung," Chan said under his breath, handing his phone to Seungcheol.

He just stared at it for a moment, trying to control his breathing. He knew that, but he didn't know where to begin. Part of him was terrified that they wouldn't believe them, that it wasn't enough evidence. He didn't want this to become a fight. What if Mr. Park won? What if they kept him in the company, what if he was planning on hurting Minghao again?

Why did Mr. Park even do it?

He snapped out of his thoughts when he saw Manager Jeon approaching them rather quickly. He noticed Hansol first, sighing as soon as he saw him. Hansol was still cuffed to the hospital waiting room chair.

"Hansol," Manager Jeon started with a sigh, "what's gotten into you? I understand your hatred for that man, and frankly he might deserve what you did, but, really, you shouldn't-" he stopped right in the middle of his sentence when he made eye contact with Seungcheol, who was still holding out Chan's phone, near in tears. "Seungcheol, what...what's going on?"

Seungcheol didn't want to say it. 

"We need to talk to the company," Jihoon said sternly after Seungcheol didn't answer him.

"They're outside, I just spoke with them and the guards…" he trailed off, probably thinking it was about Hansol's situation, but he made eye contact with Seungcheol again, just before looking down to the phone in his hand.

"It was Mr. Park," Seungcheol finally said. "He...he tried to kill Minghao."

* * *

Seungcheol couldn’t keep himself calm, not even a little. He was breathing like he’d just finished running up ten flights of stairs and he didn’t know why. This was supposed to be good. They had found the person who had hurt Minghao. The police had him. Seungcheol and Jihoon were sitting down talking to the company, Chan and Hansol were talking to the police.

This was all getting resolved now, but he felt like he was falling apart. Like the pressure of it all was too much. Or was it relief? Seungcheol didn’t know, and he didn’t get any time to process any of it.

“Seungcheol, please take a moment to breathe. We can’t understand you,” One of their managers said. Seungcheol didn’t want to do that. He would start crying if he gave himself room to breathe.

“I’ll talk for him,” Jihoon interjected, and Seungcheol fell apart against him, his arm and forehead leaning on his shoulder. His chest hurt from holding back his tears. Jihoon snuck a hand through to hold his under the table. “Is that okay?”

“That’s fine. Seungcheol, please feel free to interject if you need to,” one of the female staff said. Seungcheol was so thankful this group was much nicer and much more patient with them than the recent groups that had been put together. Manager Jeon stayed at the hospital with the other members, but he made sure that no one like Mr. Park came anywhere near them. Seungcheol was so thankful for him.

“That’s one less thing for us to worry about,” Jihoon told him gently once the ordeal ended, when they were on their way home. They had waited for Chan and Hansol, who were being questioned by police for at least two hours before they were let go.

Chan looked so defeated when he got into the car. He slumped down into one of the middle seats, Hansol following behind him and sitting in the other seat.

"Thank you. Chan," Seungcheol started, sitting forward to take his hand. Chan looked back at him, his eyes full of emotions that Seungcheol couldn't begin to list off. His heart hurt just meeting his gaze. "It's over because of you."

"Anyone else would've done it too," Chan said very quietly. He sounded like he wanted to cry.

"I don't think I would've thought that fast, honestly," Hansol told him.

"Me neither," Jihoon said. "That was the best thing you could've done in that situation. We have solid proof because of it. You're amazing."

"Really?" Chan murmured.

Seungcheol nodded back at him, his heart aching when Chan started to cry, from all of the emotions he’d kept to himself through the entirety of this very long day. Seungcheol understood the feeling the very same, except he’d cried most of his tears already, he wasn’t as strong as Chan was.

* * *

It had been exactly four weeks since Minghao was hospitalized the second time, and he was finally being officially discharged. The infection had cleared, and he was finally on a stable route to recovery.

"I got it," Minghao insisted, and Jeonghan pulled away from buckling his seatbelt. "I'm not a kid."

"You are, but, whatever you say," Jeonghan told him fondly. Jeonghan was clearly not much less worried about Minghao since the day he’d first visited him in the hospital - he insisted Minghao to be wheeled to the car, since he still was having some trouble walking around - and he wrote down every little thing the nurses told him. He was determined not to miss anything.

Seungcheol, Jeonghan and Mingyu had gone with Manager Jeon to pick him up for his discharge. Minghao was incredibly anxious about everything. He had met with a psychiatrist as per orders of the doctor - they were working out an anxiety medication for him to take while he recovered, but hadn’t yet started him on one. He was worried about it, worried about the side effects, concerned he wouldn’t handle the transition well without anything helping him - that’s what he talked to Mingyu about.

Seungcheol was worried about him too. Minghao was good at handling tough situations, but not like this. He was completely thrown off, and Seungcheol was starting to suspect there was some underlying issue brewing - anxiety, depression, or worse.

He tried not to think about it too much, tried to leave it up to the doctors and the therapist he was going to start seeing. He sat beside him on their way home, gently playing with his hair. Minghao had somehow fallen asleep on their fifteen-minute car ride, and despite his very tired protests, Mingyu carried him all the way up to their dorms.

They got everyone together in the living room on the sixth floor to talk about everything, have a meeting - something they used to do all of the time. Now, they only did it when things were serious - this definitely counted, Seungcheol thought.

Once everyone sat down, they all eyed Seungcheol, waiting for him to start, just like they always did. He would talk, they would listen, and ask questions after.

Minghao was nearly half asleep against Mingyu's shoulder, but still somehow very determined to participate in the meeting. Seungcheol definitely wasn’t expecting him to make it through without falling asleep, Jeonghan too, who had already provided him with a blanket.

"It's been a while since we did this, huh?" Seungcheol said, standing up, a little nervous with them all watching even though he had no reason to be. “Minghao’s home for good now. His infection is all cleared but he’s still dealing with some symptoms and side effects from the meds. So be patient with him.”

They all nodded simultaneously, a few of them looking over at Minghao, as he started to hide his face in Mingyu’s shoulder, not liking the attention. Seungkwan leaned over to pat his knee as a reassurance, pouting.

Seungcheol decided to move on from speaking about him directly, knowing the members all knew his situation pretty well at this point. He decided to start with what all of them were asking about, the stuff the company had been telling them. "They're investigating Mr. Park and everyone else that might have been involved. They’re being fired and blacklisted as a precaution, so we won’t have to see or deal with any of them. The trial is what they’re working on, but...we’re staying out of that, for now,” he told them. That was what was putting everyone on edge. Seungcheol knew they had a solid open-shut case, but there was always reason to worry with these things.

"We're not doing any public schedules, no interviews, nothing, until it's all over, but we have to get back to work when they’re done with the investigation,” he said, giving a separate voice for the latter half of the sentence to let the group know those were the company’s words, not his. “Minghao's going to be staying home until he's completely recovered, even after the investigation ends. However long he needs."

Seungcheol sat down, and they talked a bit more here and there about some things. Seungcheol said Jeonghan would be in charge of making sure Minghao was taking all of the medication they had him on, and that all of them were in charge of making sure to tell Seungcheol if something was off with Minghao, even a little bit. He was definitely asleep at that point.

It was March now, they had a comeback in the plans for April, that was now getting pushed back to either May or June. Jun asked if they had to do it without Minghao. Seungcheol had to nod. Minghao was going to get every day he needed, but unfortunately, the rest of them had to keep going. It was their job.

After a while of chatting about the fuzzy plans for their comeback, they all started to disperse. Seungcheol felt good, calm. It was good to sit and talk with everyone, have everyone on the same page - it was a feeling that Seungcheol wanted when they found out who hurt Minghao, but one he didn’t get until now.

Things were going to be better now. He had to at least try to make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHA!!! im so sorry if this feels jumbled. im always terrified that it doesn't make any sense to anyone besides me but you guys say it does so that gives me some confidence lol. i hope you liked it! this one was fun to write
> 
> we still got a few chapters left ;)))) hehehe..........


	16. i remember all the pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mingyu was really concerned. One moment Minghao was so out of it he wasn't speaking, and then he was suddenly arguing with him, and now he was crying. It was like he didn't know how to feel, everything was too overwhelming and too confusing for him to truly process, and that wasn’t a feeling he was used to at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehe fun times : )  
i hope yall enjoy!! it was fun to write a big gyuhao chapter and this one's a little longer than normal bc it got away from me lol. thank yall for everything <3
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect.  
it's just fiction! <3

Minghao had been asleep for nearly the whole hour they all sat there and talked. Mingyu knew he was actually asleep and not pretending, his breathing was different, but he was still really surprised about it. Minghao usually would never be able to sleep with  _ anyone  _ talking around him, let alone the whole group. He must’ve been really exhausted.

Almost all of the members had dispersed by now, aside from a handful that just moved to the kitchen as Seokmin cooked ramen for them. The smell made Mingyu remember how hungry he was, but he needed to take care of Minghao first. He hoped Seokmin knew him well enough to save some for him.

“I’ll take him back to his room,” Mingyu said when Seungcheol stood up, eying Minghao’s curled up frame. He kind of wished Seungcheol did the meeting another time, maybe tomorrow, after Minghao had gotten some sleep, but he understood that it was better done sooner rather than later.

“Thank you for taking good care of him, Gyu,” Seungcheol said with a warm smile. Mingyu hadn’t seen anything like that from his leader in a long time. He tried to smile back, but it didn’t feel genuine, so he decided to save it for another time. He hoped Seungcheol understood.

Mingyu tried to ignore the pang of guilt he felt in his chest when Seungcheol said that, though. He didn't do a good enough job last time. But Seungcheol probably felt that way too.

Mingyu stood up and leaned down to scoop Minghao up off the couch - the latter woke up as soon as he wasn’t on the couch anymore. He could see the confusion melt from his eyes as soon as they met Mingyu’s - that was such a relief.

Seungcheol opened the door to Minghao’s room for Mingyu before closing it behind him, telling him to let them know if he needed anything.

“I don’t know why I’m so tired all the time,” Minghao murmured after Mingyu laid him down on his bed, his eyes already falling shut again. Mingyu gently pulled his blanket over him and sat down on the floor in front of his bed, his chin resting on the mattress. Minghao opened his eyes again and sighed. “I’m sorry.”

"You don't need to be sorry," Mingyu pouted. "It's probably normal with everything you went through."

“I just...I mean everything,” Minghao said quietly. Mingyu didn’t need him to elaborate, he knew exactly what he was thinking about.

Mingyu's frown deepened, and he straightened himself up a little bit. "It's not your fault, Minghao," he told him. He didn't know why Minghao had been so insistent that he needed to apologize for something he had no control over. He didn't ask for this, and he didn’t choose to make it worse.

He was quiet for a few minutes after that, clearly thinking about something. Mingyu felt bad watching him, so he busied himself with straightening up a few things in Minghao's room - they hadn't really touched it since Minghao was hospitalized the second time.

Minghao had a photo of his parents on his nightstand, off in the corner - hidden almost. Mingyu knew that, for some reason, Minghao felt bad about missing them, for even mentioning them around the others. He probably had the hardest time with homesickness, but he was the best at hiding it.

He wondered how much his parents knew about what was going on. Minghao called his mother often, but he hadn't seen him do that since he was poisoned. He wondered if they even knew. If they did, they must have been insanely worried. The company never let the foreign member’s parents visit when something was going on with one of them, they always called it a distraction. It hurt Mingyu's heart to think about it.

"Gyu?" Minghao started, pulling Mingyu out of his thoughts. He'd been staring at that photo for entirely too long.

"Yeah? What's up?" Mingyu asked, turning to face him and sitting on the floor again, trying to make it look like he hadn’t been distracted at all.

"Would you be mad if I asked if you could sleep on the floor instead of next to me?" Minghao murmured. It didn't sound like he wanted to ask that in the first place, like he was forcing himself to say it.

Mingyu was caught slightly off guard. He was expecting Minghao to say something related to the photo. "If you don't want me to sleep in here at all, I can go. I'll do whatever you're the most comfortable with," Mingyu assured. He meant it, too. Of course, he'd be sad if he couldn't stay with Minghao, but he would do whatever the latter wanted.

"No, I...I want you in here, it's just…" he started, looking incredibly conflicted. Mingyu waited, he wasn't going to interrupt or rush him. "I don't really know how to explain it. Last time you slept in here, and all that stuff happened...it's just - yeah."

"You're worried it'll happen again?" Mingyu asked, his brow furrowed.

Minghao nodded.

"That's okay. I get it," Mingyu nodded, trying to be as reassuring as he could. Mingyu personally didn't really understand Minghao's concern - maybe it was the superstition of accidentally recreating parts of the events that led up to what happened to him the second time, or maybe he didn't want to be reminded of it again. Either way, Mingyu was going to respect his feelings. "I'm gonna go get my stuff. Be right back," he told him with a smile before he got up to leave.

"Mingyu?" Minghao started again.

"Yeah?" he asked, turning around before he opened the door to his room.

"Thank you. I love you."

Mingyu's heart melted. He was so worried he would never hear that again. Minghao hadn't said it since before everything happened the second time. Mingyu was concerned he'd permanently damaged what Minghao thought of him - he had nightmares about it, when Minghao screamed when Mingyu touched him. Wonwoo kept telling him that Minghao just needed time, but Mingyu was still paranoid.

"Can I hug you?" Mingyu asked gently.

Minghao nodded.

Mingyu ran back to him without a second of hesitation and hugged him very closely. He'd done that before, even since everything started to calm down, but Minghao didn't really have the strength to properly hug him back until now. Minghao was never one for especially tight hugs, he would usually let them know when enough was enough, but he didn't stop. Mingyu wondered if Minghao needed it too, or if he just did it for Mingyu. It didn't matter why, though. Mingyu never thought he needed something so badly. "I love you too. A lot. I'm so...so glad you're okay," he murmured. "I feel like I've said that a hundred times but it's still true. You're my best friend."

"You're so cheesy," Minghao said, Mingyu could hear him smiling through his voice. Minghao didn't say anything else, but he didn't need to.

Mingyu went to go grab his things so he could sleep in Minghao's room with him. Seokmin had in fact, made food for him, he pointed him to it as Mingyu walked by, a mouth full of food himself.

Mingyu set his things down on the floor to eat quickly before he went back to Minghao's room. Mingyu was really good at eating fast, he considered it a talent even though he'd nearly choked a few times, and Minghao hated when he did that for that very reason.

"How is he?" Seokmin asked, still chewing. Jihoon elbowed him in the side to silently tell him to finish chewing before speaking, and Seokmin whined, ignoring him and continuing anyway. “He looked so sleepy.”

"He's okay. Tired, yeah," Mingyu responded, also with food in his mouth.

"Minghao would scold both of you if he saw this. You guys are gross," Jihoon told them with a mock sigh.

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him," Chan interjected, stuffing his mouth with ramen as he spoke purely because it annoyed Jihoon. Jihoon just rolled his eyes, getting giggles from the rest in the kitchen.

Mingyu relaxed his shoulders. Minghao was doing better, but so was everyone else. They were relaxed enough to joke around again, even if it was just a little bit. It was good to see, it made Mingyu feel better about everything too, like a weight off of his shoulder.

He finished eating and chatted a bit with his members before he picked up his things and headed back into Minghao's room.

He noticed pretty quickly that Minghao had fallen back asleep already, and Mingyu took the chance to turn the lights off as quickly as he could so Minghao could sleep more comfortably. He looked much more peaceful sleeping in his own room than he did in the hospital, but there was still something troubled in his expression, even while he slept.

Mingyu set up his makeshift bed on the floor beside Minghao's, trying to be as quiet as possible. Minghao was much harder to wake nowadays than he was before everything happened, which Mingyu was thankful for, but worried about at the same time.

He needed to stop worrying. He was thankful Minghao was on the right track again.

"Sweet dreams," Mingyu said gently, pressing a kiss to Minghao's forehead before he laid down to go to sleep.

* * *

Mingyu woke up the next morning and immediately shot up to check and see if Minghao was there. He wasn't.

He knew he shouldn't panic, upon checking the digital clock on Minghao's nightstand he realized it was almost noon, and that he had slept entirely long. Minghao never, ever slept past noon, even if he was sick, even if he had only gotten an hour of sleep, so it made perfect sense that he was no longer in bed.

Mingyu stumbled out of the room, still half asleep, at least wanting to know where Minghao was before he tried to wake himself up.

"Good morning, bedhead," Jeonghan chuckled from where he sat on the couch. Mingyu had to imagine his hair was sticking up in all sorts of directions but he didn't care enough to fix it.

"Good morning, hyung," Mingyu murmured. It looked like there wasn't anyone else around. They were probably out doing stuff. Jeonghan still wasn't really ready to do much else, but from what Mingyu could see, he was perfectly content with where he was. He’d spent most of his time on that couch. He liked it there, he could see where everyone was going and what they were doing. "Where's Minghao?"

"He went to shower a while ago," Jeonghan said, lowering the book he'd had in his hand down to his lap. Mingyu saw a concerning look grow on his face. "You know what, why don't you go check on him? It sounds like the water's still on. He's been in there for almost an hour, by now."

"Okay, I will," Mingyu nodded, already headed towards the bathroom where the running shower sounds were coming from. An hour sounded pretty out of character for him. He usually didn’t shower longer than twenty minutes, and even that was concerning.

Mingyu knocked before he went in, to at least let Minghao know someone was coming in, but he didn't waste time asking. They had no locks on any of their doors for a reason.

Minghao was on the floor in the corner of the shower, leaned against the wall, his legs curled into himself. His eyes weren't focused at all, he was thinking about something, something that wasn't good, clearly.

"Hey...I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Jeonghan hyung says you've been in here a while," Mingyu started, closing the door behind him. Minghao didn't react at all until Mingyu had been in there for at least thirty seconds, when then, he very slowly lifted his head to meet his gaze. "You don't really look okay," Mingyu said, not really needing Minghao to tell him that.

"How long has it been?" Minghao asked, his brow furrowed a little bit. He didn't move.

"Jeonghan hyung said almost an hour," Mingyu responded.

"Oh."

Minghao went silent again, lowering his head back down, as if Mingyu had never walked in to begin with. It was worrying for sure, not like him at all, but not in the same way his delusions were worrying. He didn't seem delusional like last time, Mingyu could recognize that now. He just looked confused. Lost.

Mingyu opened the glass shower door and stood over him to turn the shower off, figuring that had been going for at least an hour now. Minghao looked up at him as he stepped back again. 

"I haven't washed my hair yet," Minghao said. He sounded ashamed, that time. That must've meant he had been sitting there the entire time.

"I can help you. If you're okay with that," Mingyu said, kneeling down in front of him. Minghao didn't say anything, but Mingyu didn't want to do it if Minghao wasn't okay with it. "Can I?" he asked, and Minghao just nodded his head once.

Mingyu got him to turn around so he could get to his hair easier, and he started to wash it. Minghao hadn't had a chance to properly shower in a while, outside of what he could do at the hospital, so Mingyu made sure to do the best job he could. His own clothes got pretty wet in the process, but he didn't mind. He'd just change later.

As Mingyu washed the conditioner out of the latter's hair, he took notice of how thin he'd gotten, just by his shoulders. Mingyu had noticed before, but it was different without any clothes to cover him. Minghao was on a feeding tube most of the time he was in the hospital, but after they cleared him for that, he wouldn't eat unless they forced him to. It made sense that he'd gotten so thin, but it still put a weight on Mingyu's heart.

He didn't say anything, though. He knew that Minghao looked after his health very well, and he hoped that he would find a way to get back to a normal weight without anyone forcing him into it. He knew Minghao didn't like to talk about that kind of stuff as it was.

"Just sit, I'll dry it for you," Mingyu told him when Minghao tried to get up, after he'd turned the showerhead back off. Minghao nodded and turned back around without any words.

He relaxed a bit more when Mingyu started to blow dry his hair, waking up and coming out of his thoughts. Mingyu could tell just by how his posture changed. It was probably good for him to feel clean, refreshed, even with just the warm air from the blow dryer.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize how much time passed," Minghao murmured once Mingyu had finished.

"It's okay. It happens," Mingyu assured him. He'd done that a few times himself. It was hard to tell how much time was passing in the shower on a normal day. Minghao definitely got a pass on that. "I am a little worried about you right now, though."

Minghao didn't say anything, he just hummed in acknowledgment that he'd heard him. Mingyu wasn't going to force him to talk if he didn't want to.

"Do you wanna go on a walk with me? We haven't done that in a while," Mingyu asked him, the thought popping into his head during the silence. Minghao suddenly turned his head, his eyes a little wider than before.

"I don't think they'll let me," Minghao said, but still a little hopeful-looking, like he was secretly asking Mingyu to do some convincing. Jeonghan and Seungcheol had been pretty clear that Minghao shouldn't leave the dorms unless it was an emergency, but Mingyu didn't see any harm in taking a short walk. Especially if Minghao seemed excited about it.

"I'll talk to them. I'm gonna grab you some clothes too, I'll be right back," Mingyu told him with a nod. "You should brush your teeth."

"I did that already.  _ You  _ should brush your teeth," Minghao teased. Mingyu just grinned back at him, incredibly happy that Minghao was feeling good enough to tease him.

When Mingyu left, Jeonghan was staring right at him from the couch, his eyes full of concern, waiting for Mingyu to give him some sort of update. Seungcheol was out there too, now, giving Mingyu the same exact look.

"Is he alright?" Jeonghan asked as soon as Mingyu had closed the door behind him completely.

"He's overwhelmed, I think. He didn't really tell me what was going on," Mingyu said quietly, not wanting Minghao to think they were talking about him, even if it was just out of concern.

“He seemed that way last night, too,” Seungcheol murmured with a sigh, taking a seat on the other side of the couch. Jeonghan pouted as soon as he sat down, to which Seungcheol sighed again, standing up to go sit beside him instead.

Mingyu sat down on the coffee table in the middle. “Last night?” he asked, an eyebrow raised.

Seungcheol hummed. “Around midnight, when Jeonghan and I were still out here talking. He came out, said he wasn’t feeling well but wouldn’t really talk to us about it. He just listened to us for a while and then went back to sleep."

“I told him to try showering to clear his head. Obviously something wasn't right,” Jeonghan mumbled. “I’m worried it did the opposite.”

"I think it helped him a little bit, hyung. He just needed some help," he said. "He seems less distracted now."

"Really? That's good…" Jeonghan murmured, but he didn't sound entirely convinced.

Mingyu figured that now was a good time to ask them if they could go on a walk.

"Hyung?" he started, not directly to either of them in particular. "Is it okay if I go for a walk with him? Just for a little bit," Mingyu asked quietly, as innocently as he could.

Jeonghan looked to Seungcheol, as if not entirely sure if he should answer that himself. Seungcheol pressed his lips into a line before looking back at Mingyu and answering him. "They don't want him leaving the dorms right now," he told him. "We went over that last night," he reminded him. He wasn't mean or scolding, it sounded like he wanted to tell him yes, but he couldn't. 

"Please, hyung? I think it'd help him. We won't be gone long. And he was excited about it," Mingyu tried, pushing a little further as he stood up from the coffee table.

Seungcheol's gaze stayed locked with his for a moment before he sighed, and frowned. "Could you settle for the roof?"

Mingyu pouted. He knew he couldn't push it a third time. It wasn't Seungcheol’s fault, he didn't want any of them getting in trouble. Or something bad happening. "I guess so," Mingyu murmured. He saw Jeonghan frown out of the corner of his eye, too.

"I'm sorry, Gyu. I just don't want to take any chances. We've already had an issue with sasaengs outside the dorms this week," Seungcheol reminded him. Mingyu had nearly forgotten about that. It was two or three that were waiting outside their dorms, bothering Jihoon and Soonyoung. Everything was taken care of, and Jihoon and Soonyoung were both okay, but Mingyu understood the risk.

"I know. I just think he misses it," he mumbled with a little sigh.

"Soon, okay? Just not now," Seungcheol told him.

Mingyu headed back to Minghao's room to get him a change of clothes, dropped by the bathroom to hand them to him, before heading up to his own room to get a change for his own clothes, too. He finally got a look in the mirror, and took notice of how ridiculous his hair was, but didn't care enough to do anything about it. He just threw a hoodie over his head and headed back to Minghao.

He let himself back into the bathroom, where Minghao had changed into the clothes Mingyu had given him. He looked like he was spacing out again, not really reacting when Mingyu came in, not even getting up from his spot on the floor.

"Hey, earth to Hao?" Mingyu said from the door.

Minghao flinched when Mingyu said that, and Mingyu immediately regretted it.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Mingyu murmured, closing the door behind him again and sitting on the floor beside him. The wide look in Minghao’s eyes didn't go away until Mingyu sat down. "You didn't hear me come in?"

"I guess not," he said, breaking eye contact with him, his focus back on his hands. Mingyu noticed his hands were shaking, only a little, but enough for Mingyu to notice. "I'm okay. Just cold," Minghao assured him, as Mingyu realized he was making a face at him.

Mingyu pressed the back of his hand to Minghao's cheek, a little worried that it was because of a fever coming back. They said he shouldn't be dealing with those anymore. He didn't feel particularly warmer than normal, but Minghao didn't let him hold his hand there for very long, pulling his head away with a half-annoyed sigh. "Mingyu, I'm fine. Please," he told him. Mingyu noticed his ears were suddenly red, like he was embarrassed, but Mingyu wasn’t sure why.

He didn’t want to play a part in overwhelming him, so Mingyu pulled his hand away. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice quiet. Minghao acknowledged his apology, but didn’t say anything further about it.

“Did they say we can go?” he asked, not sounding very hopeful about it anymore. Disappointed, almost, like the prospect of having to go back to his room with his thoughts was the last thing he wanted in that moment.

Mingyu wasn’t going to tell him no.

“Mhm, they said as long as we’re careful and not gone long,” he told him. He could make it work. If they were going to the roof, they would have to leave the dorm rooms anyway. Their hyungs had no way of knowing if they went up or down from there. As long as they kept their walk short, he was sure they wouldn’t notice.

The dread in Minghao’s eyes suddenly disappeared. “Really?” he asked, like he didn’t really believe him.

“Yeah,” he said, standing back up, offering Minghao a hand to help him off the floor. “Let’s get you a warmer jacket and then go. And shoes.”

They did just that, headed over to Minghao’s room, where Mingyu pulled out the warmest hoodie he could find and handed it to Minghao. Minghao muttered something under his breath about being about to pick out his own clothes, but not with any malice. He put it on, struggling a bit as he did so, but Mingyu let him do it himself.

“Thank you, hyung,” Minghao said to both Jeonghan and Seungcheol before they left, and Mingyu froze in the doorway, hoping the conversation wouldn’t evolve much beyond that, or else Minghao would find out Mingyu lied to him and Seungcheol and Jeonghan would find out that Mingyu disobeyed what they said.

“Of course. I can’t keep you locked inside forever,” Seungcheol said, seemingly a little confused as to why Minghao was thanking him for just letting him go to the roof, but not thinking much beyond it. Jeonghan narrowed his eyes briefly but didn’t say anything either. “Don’t be up there too long.”

Up. He said up. Mingyu held his breath.

“We’ll be back soon,” Mingyu said quickly, just as they grabbed their shoes and stepped outside of the dorm room, closing the door behind him.

Mingyu walked a bit out of the way from the door and bent over to tie his shoe, but he could feel Minghao’s eyes drilling holes through him with a glare, even though he hadn’t seen it yet. Minghao was really good at that. He had definitely figured him out already, just from that one word.

"You told him we're going to the roof, didn't you?" Minghao asked, frowning, but a hint of judgment in his tone. Mingyu really didn’t like it when he talked like that, but he figured he deserved it.

"Sort of. He said it first,” Mingyu defended with a whine as he stood back up, not wanting to look at Minghao directly. “I asked him and he said it’s not a good idea and that we should settle for the roof. But - there’s no harm in going on a walk instead.”

“You could’ve told me that. I would’ve been okay with it,” Minghao said, now, sounding a little frustrated with him, betrayed. Part of Mingyu just wanted to give in and tell him he was right, but he wasn’t going to. Even if he didn’t want to argue with Minghao.

“But, you wouldn’t have been okay with it. You haven’t been able to leave the hospital for weeks, let alone go on a walk. And you really like going on walks, it helps you even when you’re not sad,” Mingyu told him. “And - and they’re just treating you like a child, saying you can’t go. It’s just a walk,” Mingyu said. Minghao was an adult. Yeah, he shouldn’t go on a walk by himself yet, but Mingyu was there if he needed him. He’d protect him.

“ _ You’re  _ treating me like a child, Gyu,” Minghao snapped at him. Mingyu was so taken aback by his tone that he didn’t even really process what he said at first. Minghao hadn’t spoken to him like that in months. “You all are! You’re all talking about me behind my back and making decisions for me about  _ everything.  _ Jeonghan hyung didn’t even let me pour a fucking glass of water this morning, and you carried me home yesterday and helped me  _ shower.  _ I can’t - I can’t do anything.”

Mingyu’s heart sank, his eyes locked with Minghao’s. He expected him to look angry, and he did, but behind all that was just pure misery, in every inch of his expression.

The last thing Mingyu wanted was for him to feel that way. All he wanted to do was help him, make things easier for him, but he didn’t know what he expected. Minghao didn’t like having help. He liked being independent. He didn’t like sharing his feelings or being vulnerable. He’d learned all that from the months he couldn’t communicate with them through their language barrier, Wonwoo had mentioned that in a private conversation before. Mingyu should have known better.

“I just wanted to help,” Mingyu told him, his voice small, head lowered. “You could’ve said no, Hao...”

Minghao didn’t say anything at first. Mingyu wasn’t sure what to do from here. Minghao surely wouldn’t want to do anything with him now, but Mingyu couldn’t let him go alone. He didn’t want him to go back to his room by himself either, he was terrified Minghao would end up in the same place mentally as he had before.

“No I couldn’t have,” Minghao murmured back after a few moments of silence between them, his voice suddenly much softer, but much more broken. “I couldn’t lift my arms up far enough to wash my hair,” he told him, almost like he was having this realization as he spoke, but he sounded embarrassed by it. “It hurt, and...my vision gets white whenever I do it. I know it’s because I’m dehydrated, but drinking water makes me feel sick and my hands shake too much to even hold a glass.”

A memory of earlier that morning came back to him, when he was still in bed. He heard glass shatter in the kitchen. He didn't think much of it before and just went back to bed, but that must've been Minghao. 

"It's okay to need help with things," Mingyu told him, reaching a hand out to touch him, but Minghao only stepped back. Mingyu didn't let it stop him from trying to talk to him. "I'm really sorry if I'm treating you like a child, I don't mean it like that. I just want to help you."

"But I don't  _ want  _ help. It's humiliating enough to not be able to do anything on my own," Minghao muttered, his voice starting to get shaky and uneven.

Mingyu could envision what happened that morning. Jeonghan offering to pour the water for him after noticing how much Minghao's hands were shaking. Minghao insisting he could do it himself, but dropping and shattering the glass before he could even pour any water. Minghao hated things like that more than anything. Two of his least favorite things came with it, loud noises and unwanted attention. He could imagine it made his shaking worse, Jeonghan telling him to sit down while he cleaned it for him and poured him a new glass. Telling him it was okay but Minghao not really hearing him through the ringing in his ears left by the shattering glass.

"I want you to be able to do stuff on your own too," Mingyu told him. "But you need help right now. I promise everything we do to help you comes from a good place. I would never wanna humiliate you. You're my best friend."

Minghao turned around and covered his face, and Mingyu immediately went to him, asking if it was okay to hug him before he did so, and Minghao nodded through tears.

"I'm so sorry," Minghao murmured, leaning his head on Mingyu's shoulder. "I don't know why I'm acting like this. I know you just want to help, I just...I can't…"

He trailed off without really saying anything, but Mingyu didn't force him into it, he just kept his hug close and warm until Minghao would decide he no longer wanted it. Mingyu was really concerned. One moment Minghao was so out of it he wasn't speaking, and then he was suddenly arguing with him, and now he was crying. It was like he didn't know how to feel, everything was too overwhelming and too confusing for him to truly process, and that wasn’t a feeling he was used to at all.

That was probably what led to his spiral last time. He didn't know how to process what was happening, and while his mind was weak, it latched onto the insane idea that they were all against him. That was easier to process than all of the complex feelings he was having.

Mingyu wasn't letting it happen again. Never again.

"Let's go, okay? If you still want to," Mingyu said, pulling out of the hug and taking Minghao's hand. Minghao nodded, wiping his eyes with his sleeve and pulling his hood a little further over his head. "I love you."

Minghao repeated it, however, his voice incredibly quiet. Mingyu didn't let go of his hand, and led him to the elevator.

Mingyu made sure he was supporting him when he walked. He noticed how shaky he was and how wobbly his steps were, even through his incredible determination to keep going. Mingyu decided they wouldn't go far, maybe down to the river and back. He didn't want it to be too much on Minghao.

They didn't really do any physical therapy with Minghao in his month at the hospital, which didn't make very much sense to Mingyu. He knew he wasn't that physically affected by the poison, but lying in bed constantly wasn't good for him, and they wouldn't let him leave often, due to his history as a flight risk. But when they did let him out, he was bound to a wheelchair, so they could keep a better eye on him.

He figured Minghao would just have to work a little harder on that, but Mingyu was there to support him either way.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you," Minghao told him once they were outside, his gaze low.

"You didn't even yell. And I get it, I'd be frustrated too," Mingyu assured him, squeezing his hand a little tighter. "It's seriously fine. I swear. It just caught me off guard, if anything."

Minghao just hummed in acknowledgment, and they continued walking.

Minghao slipped his hand out of Mingyu’s, but Mingyu didn’t take any offense to it, he knew he didn’t like doing that in public and Mingyu respected it. He still walked close by him, though, and it was enough for Mingyu to realize he wasn’t angry at him anymore. Although, maybe he never was, maybe he was just confused.

He was doing better with walking now, still a little wobbly and keeping close to Mingyu for support, but even some improvement was still improvement. He kept his eyes on the ground at first, which didn’t seem to help with balancing very much, but after he started taking in his surroundings more, he did better walking, better overall. He didn’t seem as trapped in his own head, it looked like he was finally thinking about something that didn’t overwhelm him.

"We should do this again soon and take our cameras," Minghao suddenly said, his eyes still taking in everything around him.

Mingyu hummed in agreement.. It was really pretty outside. Spring was coming, everything was starting to bloom again - slowly, but surely. Mingyu thought it resembled Minghao. Slowly, but surely. He'd be okay again eventually, he just needed time.

"What were you thinking about?" Mingyu suddenly asked him once they got to the river taking a seat on a bench that overlooked it.

Minghao raised a brow, looking over at him.

"In the shower. It looked like you were thinking about something," Mingyu said. "Was it about before?"

Minghao just gave a small sigh.

"Sort of. You know how, whenever I get sick, I have to work really hard to get my energy and stamina back?" Minghao asked.

Mingyu nodded. Minghao had never explicitly pointed it out, but Mingyu had indeed witnessed that. Even if it was just a cold, after he wasn't sick anymore, it took Minghao at least a week of truly working at it to get back to normal.

"It's...this is gonna be really hard," he murmured, his eyes getting a little lost again as they focused back on the river. "I couldn't even stand up in the shower for five minutes."

"You just got back from the hospital yesterday, Hao. They had to wheel you out," he reminded him. Mingyu forgot that too, occasionally.

"I know, but…" Minghao mumbled, but didn't follow up with anything. Mingyu knew what he was thinking. He was just so insanely overwhelmed that the thought of having to work this hard to get back to normal was weighing on him. It was a lot to think about.

"I'll help you through it. I promise. I'm here whenever you need me. And if you don't want me, I'll give you space," Mingyu told him. “You just have to tell me when.”

Minghao just nodded and sighed. He didn't sound very enthusiastic about it at all, but Mingyu at least needed him to know.

They sat on a bench that faced the river for a little while, when a memory from the same setting came back to him, from at least five years ago, right when they debuted.

_ "Can I tell you something?" Minghao asked. _

_ Mingyu almost didn’t hear him. The sunset on the river was always so beautiful, the summer breeze felt really nice too, after an incredibly long day of practice. _

_ "Yeah, what's up?" Mingyu raised a brow. Minghao usually wasn't very talkative at all, Mingyu would listen to anything he said if he wanted to talk. He'd told him that before, but Minghao had never really taken him up on it until now. _

_ "I just wanted to say thank you," Minghao said. He paused for a while after that, still looking out to the river, not facing Mingyu directly. "You've always been really nice to me, even when I couldn't really talk to you. I know...I know everyone's been nice, but, you feel like a best friend." _

_ Mingyu's heart absolutely melted when Minghao said that to him. He had always had some sneaking suspicion that Minghao secretly didn't like him, but here he was, calling him his best friend if he was hearing that right. _

_ "Really?" Was all Mingyu could manage to say. _

_ This time Minghao raised a brow. "You think I'm joking?" _

_ "No! No, I just…" he started, trying to gather his thoughts. Minghao made him a little nervous, not pulling his gaze away. "I'm...really happy that you think that. I'm really happy you stayed. Seungcheol hyung mentioned that you thought about leaving a while ago." _

_ A look Mingyu didn't recognize suddenly fell upon Minghao's gaze. "He told you that?" _

_ "He sort of said it on accident. Only when me and Jeonghan hyung were around, though," Mingyu assured him. "It's okay, that you thought that. I can tell how hard everything was on you. Honestly, if I were you I probably wouldn't even tried." _

_ Minghao was suddenly quiet again, and Mingyu worried he'd said something wrong. Mingyu meant that. He truly couldn't imagine it the other way around, if he went all by himself to China to become an idol. Mingyu cried at least twice a week when things were really hard, and he had friends around. He could go to his family whenever we wanted. Minghao couldn't. _

_ "But you're amazing. I'm really glad I can be your best friend," Mingyu finished. “Thank you for being my friend, too.” _

_ Minghao smiled at him, and hugged him, for a brief moment. He'd never done that before, not ever before Mingyu did, and even if it didn't last very long, Mingyu was never going to forget it. _

Mingyu smiled. He wanted to remind Minghao of what he'd just remembered, but the latter suddenly looked incredibly nervous, looking at something in the street behind them.

"I think that red car is following us, the one down at the light. I've seen it at least twice now," Minghao murmured, his voice uneven. His breaths were suddenly quicker, and he was tense, almost a complete one eighty from before.

"You sure? There's been a lot of red cars passing," Mingyu said. He hadn't been paying enough attention to say that conclusively, but he didn't want Minghao to be stressed, especially if it was nothing.

"Maybe I'm just confused," Minghao mumbled, now facing forward back towards the river instead of focusing on the street. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, no, it's fine," Mingyu pouted, placing a hand on his shoulder. "We can head home if you're nervous."

"Yeah...yeah, let's do that," Minghao nodded, standing up without much extra thought. Mingyu sort of wished they could stay out longer, but he didn't want Minghao to be subjected to any more anxiety. He didn't want to stay out too long, either - he'd definitely be in a lot of trouble if Seungcheol found out they weren't on the roof.

He supposed it was a good stopping point, then, but he still had an odd feeling in his chest from everything that happened before. Like it wasn’t all resolved just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this ending is a little abrupt i couldn't find a good stopping point without making the chapter too short or too long lol. i hope you liked it !!
> 
> more to come soon <3 let me know your thoughts, I love to read them !!


	17. secretly smile, secretly cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you think he’s mad at us?” Soonyoung asked very quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!!!! im sorry for the extra wait this time! i actually had a lot of this chapter written out but it was really hard to fill in the holes because its a bit of a slow chapter. i hope yall can forgive me and enjoy this chapter while ur waiting on ur holiday package tracking to update...LOL
> 
> disclaimer, these depictions in no way reflect their real-life counterparts. i'm also not a doctor or a kpop idol so i apologize if any of the information regarding those topics is incorrect.  
it's just fiction! <3

“You okay?” Mingyu asked Minghao. They were on their way back now, and it had become clear at this point that Minghao was anxious and just wanted to go back home, but Mingyu asked anyway. He hoped asking would get him to at least say something about how he was feeling.

“I’m fine,” Minghao dismissed. He wasn’t fine. He wasn’t walking nearly as well as before, much faster at that, and that became much more obvious when he suddenly tripped, nearly falling on his knees if Mingyu hadn’t caught him.

“Hey,” Mingyu started, helping him get his footing again, “relax, okay? You should slow down. The dorms aren’t going anywhere,” he told him. He was already very concerned, but Minghao’s sudden erratic behavior was starting to look a lot like what happened when he was experiencing his delusions. He knew that’s not what this was, but he worried anyway.

“I just don’t wanna be out here anymore,” he murmured back, now incredibly reliant on Mingyu for support.

The guilt was heavy in Mingyu’s chest, now. He shouldn’t have disobeyed what Seungcheol said. This had done more harm than good in the end; Minghao wasn’t ready for it. Mingyu had said it himself, he had just gotten out of the hospital  _ yesterday,  _ what was Mingyu thinking, taking him out like this?

"We'll be home soon," Mingyu assured, making sure he was physically supporting him the best he could.

Minghao suddenly froze in place, and at first Mingyu wanted to offer him to find a place to sit down and take a break from walking, before he realized he was staring at another red car in the street. Mingyu saw it this time, specifically a certainly expensive-looking camera peeking out of the passenger's side window, and quickly ducking back in as soon as they attention was on them. Mingyu was able to count four girls in the car before they shut the windows and drove off around the corner again, but it had his heart pounding. They were taking photos of them. Minghao had seen them earlier, he wasn't confused. They had been following them for a while, then.

"It's okay. Let's just get back. They're around the corner now," Mingyu told him, starting to get anxious himself, but trying his very best to keep that out of his tone of voice.

"Shouldn't we - shouldn’t we throw off their trail?" Minghao asked meekly. That’s what they usually did when they went on walks, and most of the time, it worked pretty well.

"We need to get you home, we don't have time for that," Mingyu told him. "Hold on, I'm gonna text you the license plate number. I think I still remember it," he said, pulling his phone out. They gave those numbers to their security. Mingyu had no idea if they actually ever did anything about it, but it was habit at this point.

Their car passed by again as they approached their dorm building, but they didn't slow down, they definitely noticed by now that they had now been caught. Mingyu wanted nothing more than to run up to the car and shout at them, but he had to keep it together, he knew that wouldn't make the situation better in any version of events, especially not for Minghao.

They were finally inside, in the stairwell by an entrance from the side of their dorm building. Mingyu wished he could lock the door behind him, just in case, but thankfully those people weren’t usually bold enough to follow them inside.

Minghao never handled things like that well, when they were being followed privately like that. It was scary for all of them, but Minghao was always on edge about it the longest. Minghao broke off from him and leaned on the railing for a moment.

"I'm so - why would they do that? After everything you went through?" Mingyu huffed after they got inside the stairwell, determined to run back up to their dorms as quickly as he could, for some reason expecting Minghao to follow. He quickly realized didn't hear any footsteps behind him, even after reaching the first landing.

He turned around and found Minghao sitting at the end of the steps, his head in his hands, shaking visibly from where Mingyu stood.

Mingyu flew back down the stairs and sat beside him, not saying anything to him at first. "I'm okay. I'm sorry," Minghao murmured in a failed attempt at reassuring him, lifting his head even though it looked like he didn’t want to. He didn't sound okay. Mingyu put an arm around him, which Minghao surprisingly didn't protest to, so Mingyu quickly turned it into a hug. He held him very tightly, feeling just how much he was shaking.

"We're okay now, they can't follow us into the building," Mingyu tried to assure him. Technically, they could do that, but thankfully, most sasaengs had the decency not to do that, at least.

"But now they know where we live," Minghao said quietly into his shoulder. “And they took photos.”

"Let's be honest, Hao, they probably knew that already," Mingyu sighed. He didn't want to make it worse by saying that, but it was true. They always found out where they lived, eventually.

The photos were a big concern, though. Mingyu didn’t want to say anything, because they all knew how that would usually go. The sasaengs following them and taking photos were nothing new, but it was rare they got photos of them that they could use against them, or use for money. A photo of Mingyu holding Minghao like that could be used against them. A photo of Minghao in his condition could be sold to a news outlet for a lot of money, he could imagine. No photos of him had been posted anywhere since everything happened.

Mingyu heard a door fly open from a much higher floor in the stairwell, and his heart sank. That was definitely Seungcheol.

"He's gonna be pissed," Minghao whispered, burying his face into Mingyu's shoulder.

"Don't worry about it. I'm the one he'll be pissed at," Mingyu told him. Seungcheol very rarely yelled at them, but he had a feeling that's where this was going. Mingyu didn't like it at all. It almost always ended in him crying, but he knew this was his own fault. He had to own up to it and face the consequences. "Hyung?" he called upwards. It echoed through the stairwell. If that was Seungcheol, he was sure he'd heard him.

He heard footsteps start to come down the stairs. Slowly at first, then much faster once he got closer to them.

It was Seungcheol. He stood on the first landing, making eye contact with Mingyu as he pulled out of the hold he'd had on Minghao. Mingyu figured there wasn't really any point in trying to argue, or even defend himself.

"Are you serious? Where the hell were you?" Seungcheol snapped at Mingyu. There was a mix of anger and confusion and relief in his eyes, but the anger was currently the strongest. He knew they'd gone outside, they wouldn't be on the ground floor for any other reason. "I know you heard what I said. I know -" he suddenly stopped when his eyes landed on Minghao, who was still hiding his head in Mingyu’s shoulder. The anger in his eyes suddenly faded, just leaving the concern and relief, as he ran down the last few steps and knelt down in front of him. "Are you okay?" he asked gently, trying to take his hand, but Minghao didn't let him.

"I'm fine," Minghao murmured. His voice was starting to shake more. Seungcheol definitely understood that something was wrong.

"Let's go up to the dorms. You're safe up there," Seungcheol promised him, lowering his head, hoping to get some eye contact from him. "Can I help you up?"

Minghao reluctantly agreed, meeting his gaze and taking Seungcheol’s hand as he helped him off the steps. "I don't think I can do the stairs," Minghao said incredibly reluctantly.

"That's fine, Hao. I don't even do the stairs on most days," Seungcheol told him. That wasn't true, Seungcheol took the stairs unless he physically couldn't, but he was saying that in some hopes of making Minghao feel better about it. "Let's go to the elevator."

Mingyu followed a few steps behind them, keeping his head low, not wanting to see how Seungcheol was looking at him. He was stupid for thinking that he wouldn't get caught, but he didn't think they'd run into sasaengs on a harmless walk. It wasn't fair that it happened, but he knew he couldn't use that as an excuse.

Once they got back, Seungcheol led Minghao over to where a very concerned Jeonghan sat on the couch. Minghao sat beside him and ducked his face into his shoulder, prompting Jeonghan very quickly to wrap his arms around him, his eyes full of worry, looking at Seungcheol for an answer.

Seungcheol, though, was glaring at Mingyu, who was too afraid to step into the living room at all.

"Kim Mingyu, do you have any idea how dangerous that was?" Seungcheol snapped suddenly. Mingyu looked up at him, figuring he should at least look him in the eye if he was going to get yelled at. "For both of you? Minghao got back from the hospital  _ yesterday.  _ He shouldn't be leaving the dorms at all. Let alone going on walks unsupervised."

Mingyu chewed his lip. He wasn’t  _ unsupervised.  _ Mingyu would have protected Minghao if something bad happened - yeah, something bad  _ did  _ happen, but Minghao was safe. "But I was there, hyung-"

"But I told you not to do it. And you did it anyway," Seungcheol told him. Mingyu’s heart sank. That was the point, yeah. His arguments were pretty much invalidated from that point forward. "This isn't sneaking out to get snacks during practice, Mingyu. Minghao is sick and he needs to heal. I know him and I know he wants this over with as fast as possible. I know how frustrated he is. But you're making it worse by rushing it."

Mingyu didn't know what to say. He didn't know who to apologize to. Minghao had lifted his head now, Jeonghan wasn’t hugging him anymore, they were both looking at Seungcheol.

"Minghao, you knew better than to go with him," Seungcheol murmured, much more gentler than with Mingyu as he turned to face Minghao, almost as if he knew he was looking at him. "We didn't tell you, but there have been sasaengs camping out around the dorms recently. That's part of why we didn't want you out there."

Minghao’s expression sort of went blank in that moment. Mingyu didn’t like that, when he couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Was he angry? Confused? Mingyu hadn’t told him about the sasaengs, he didn’t want to even mention it because he knew it’d scare him. He thought the walk would help. He didn’t know this would happen. He was lucky it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. He was lucky Minghao was safe. If something happened, it would have been  _ his  _ fault.  _ Again. _

“You ran into some, didn’t you?” Seungcheol asked. He knew because of how Minghao was acting, but Mingyu didn’t blame him at all. He wasn’t going to tell him to get it together just to save Mingyu some time arguing with Seungcheol. “What would you have done if something bad happened, Gyu? Tell me, honestly,” he said as he turned again to face Mingyu.

Mingyu didn’t have an answer. He didn’t know. His eyes were hot with oncoming tears, he was so overwhelmed. He was so  _ sorry,  _ but he knew that wasn’t an acceptable answer. Mingyu had just put his best friend in danger, after everything he’d gone through. Mingyu almost made it worse, if he hadn’t already done that.

"That's enough, Seungcheol," Jeonghan said sternly.

Seungcheol’s expression had already drastically changed since Mingyu felt the tears coming, but now he had dropped the stern-dad look altogether, and practically lunged forward to hug him.

"I'm sorry, Gyu - I didn't mean to make you cry," Seungcheol murmured. Mingyu knew that. He didn’t really think Seungcheol was the sole reason he’d started crying, anyway. "I just - I need you to understand it's serious. You can't cheat your way through his recovery. I know you wanted to help, but you have to wait. Take smaller steps. That’s what he needs, you can’t run and expect him to follow."

Mingyu hadn’t thought about it that way at all. He had just seen it as a harmless walk, but it wasn’t anything close to that for Minghao. He was still getting used to walking in the first place again after all his time in the hospital. The sasaengs weren’t just an inconvenience, they scared him on a normal day, but they were much worse in his current mental state. That wasn’t even the start,  _ everything  _ was harder for him right now. Mingyu needed to walk at his pace.

"And Minghao can’t expect to be able to catch up right away,” Seungcheol said after pulling out of the hug, sorrowful eyes pointed at Minghao.

Minghao nodded, his gaze low, not looking up to make eye contact with anyone. Mingyu had a feeling he just didn't want to hear it, even though he knew it himself.

* * *

"That was really good. I think just a few more times to get the details in and you're perfect for that section."

Jeonghan was rather surprised to hear that from Soonyoung. He didn't think his last run through of the dance had been very good, but then again, he'd been avoiding looking in the mirror at all because of how much of a mess he looked. Maybe he was getting better at it.

Jeonghan was glad to be practicing again. His vertigo had finally subsided enough for him to be able to dance without any real issues, other than the occasional stumble. He was lucky Soonyoung had offered to practice with him one-on-one like this, at his own pace. It was a lot easier than trying to keep up with all twelve of them at once.

Well, eleven.

“You should do this with Minghao,” Jeonghan told him. “I know he misses it too. And it might help build up his stamina a little," Jeonghan said once they sat down, taking a quick break to stretch and drink water. He didn't necessarily mean that same day, but it would be a good place to start for him.

“I know. I just don’t think it’s a good idea if he’s still not really drinking water," Soonyoung murmured, rolling his water bottle on the floor, back and forth between his hands. "Especially while he has that IV pack."

Jeonghan gave a little nod. Minghao would only drink water if Jeonghan sat there and watched him do it - certainly not on his own terms. Jeonghan figured it had to do with his poisoning, but this wasn’t an issue the first time, not even a little bit. He didn't understand why he was so adamant on avoiding it altogether this time around.

Minghao was so badly dehydrated from it all that he passed out twice in the week since he had come back from the hospital. The first time it was only for a second, but it was right after he’d just woken up on the second day he'd been home, so they didn’t think too much of it. The second time, he passed out after getting up from the couch, and hit his head on the coffee table. He was out for at least a minute, and heavily disoriented when he came to, which definitely warranted a hospital visit.

His head was okay, just bruised, but they had to send him home on an IV pack that time. The hospital visit took so much out of him that he didn’t really have a chance to reject the IV pack, even though it was obvious he didn’t like it.

"It really sucks. I don't think they're gonna let him do this next comeback with us and he's gonna hate that," Soonyoung said, and the water bottle stopped rolling. "He hated when he couldn't do the rest of the promotions with us when he messed up his back. He was so hard on himself. For  _ months _ . He wouldn't sit out of any schedules even if he was really sick because he felt so guilty about it. Remember?"

Jeonghan sighed. He'd thought about that too. That incident was the only thing they really had to go off of to make guesses about how this would go for him, but it was such a wildly different situation. That time, all he needed was physical therapy and rest. It damaged him mentally because he was worried about his career, because he felt guilty about sitting out, but this time, he was already damaged mentally.  _ Heavily.  _ Jeonghan had recently started to wonder if he was affected with PTSD in some way, and how that would go for him in the long run.

He just sighed again. It didn't do any good worrying so much, because there wasn't anything he could do to fix it. None of them could just magically fix him.

Soonyoung seemed really upset about it too, his whole demeanor changed any time someone mentioned the situation with Minghao not being allowed to practice or promote with them for the foreseeable future. Jeonghan wasn't really sure how to comfort him, though.

"Everything will work itself out," Jeonghan decided to say. It was vague enough for it to still have meaning without getting too specific, because Jeonghan didn't know what else to say. That hurt, because he wanted to reassure Sooonyoung in some way, that was his job as his hyung. But he just didn’t have the words for it.

Soonyoung just nodded, stood up, and offered to lead as they continued practicing.

Jeonghan continued practicing for a while, much less focused than he was before. Soonyoung clearly noticed, but he never said anything about it. He probably understood why.

At some point when he was working on angles in the mirror, he heard the door open. He didn't think too much of it and just continued practicing, assuming it was some staff checking on them.

"Oh, hey, Hao," Jeonghan heard Soonyoung say from the other side of the room. He was sort of hoping he misspoke, but sure enough when he saw his reflection in the mirror, Minghao was standing in the doorway. "You can come in. I've been showing Jeonghan what we have so far for the song Jihoon’s been working on."

Minghao very sheepishly came in through the door, and Jeonghan turned around to wave. He looked tired, from what Jeonghan could tell, but that wasn’t entirely out of the ordinary. All of his hair was hidden in a cap that was pulled pretty far down on his head, and the rest of him was hiding in sweatpants and an oversized hoodie.

It was almost a moment of deja vu for Jeonghan. He was taken back to a day when they were trainees, not long after Minghao had first joined the company. He usually dressed like that, back then, hidden in his clothes as much as he could be. He couldn't really communicate with any of them. He looked lost and confused for several months after he joined, and woke up most days looking like he hadn't slept at all.

Jeonghan did his very best to look after Minghao back then, and he'd grown so much since those times. But now it looked like he was back in that same position, like he was just as scared and confused as he was all those years ago. Jeonghan had to hold back tears.

"Is it okay if I watch?" Minghao asked, and Soonyoung nodded without even really thinking about it. Jeonghan didn't think that was a good idea. He’d want to join in at some point and he wasn’t ready for that. He knew that he would be disappointed in himself if he tried it, that it would only make him harder on himself.

But they let him watch anyway - Soonyoung played the demo of the song for Minghao once before he let it replay and danced alongside Jeonghan with what they had ready for the choreography. Minghao watched them intently, sitting down and leaning against the mirrored wall to the left of Jeonghan. Minghao liked this part of the process, when the choreography was still new, when there were things to scrap and things to add to.

Minghao watched as if this were just a normal brainstorming and practicing session, as if he was perfectly healthy and could join in no problem. That’s probably why he wanted to join them - he didn’t have to think about his condition right now.

“I really like the backward step spin thing you did at the end of the pre-chorus,” Minghao said after Soonyoung went to turn off the music.

“That was Chan’s idea. It goes really well with the beat right there, doesn’t it? I think it’s gonna look really cool with all thirteen of us - all...all of us, doing, that,” Soonyoung trailed off, realizing his mistake, looking to Minghao to make sure he hadn’t hurt his feelings. He knew that all thirteen of them wouldn’t be able to perform together for a while.

Minghao just gave him an awkward half-smile. “It’s okay, hyung,” he told him.

They ran through it again, and then two more times, Soonyoung giving pointers every now and then and changing some parts as he went. Minghao just kept watching, although now, something in his expression changed. Jeonghan couldn’t quite pinpoint what.

"Do you think I could try?" Minghao asked after the music ended again, already standing up. That’s what it was.

"Hao, you still have to be careful with exercise. You have to ease into it." Soonyoung warned. Soonyoung wasn’t a serious person most of the time, but he was very, very serious about stuff like that. Jeonghan watched how his eyes suddenly got dark as he spoke. "You were only discharged a week ago. And you passed out like, two days ago."

"I have been easing into it," Minghao claimed, sounding a little irritated. He disregarded Soonyoung's latter statements entirely. "I stretched already too."

Jeonghan sighed. He must have come to the practice room with the sole intention of dancing, he wasn't going to back down.

Soonyoung wasn't going to tell him no. He didn't have the heart to. That was usually the case, especially with Minghao. Soonyoung definitely had a soft spot for him. "Okay. Okay, but you gotta promise me you'll stop if it's too much. Please don't push yourself," he said, his eyes full of concern.

“I won’t, I promise,” Minghao said, and Soonyoung started to teach him the basics.

Minghao had always been an incredibly fast learner, but Jeonghan could tell he was pushing himself way too hard - he was trying to make it look natural, but Jeonghan saw right through it. Soonyoung was simplifying it quite a bit for him, and told him they’d work on the details the further they got into it.

Jeonghan decided to step back and watch. He had been starting to get a little dizzy anyway - not to the point where he couldn’t dance, but he figured it might be better if he wasn’t in the way.

Soonyoung was so kind to him. He wasn’t overly protective, but not careless either. It was a good medium, and subtle enough that Minghao didn’t seem to realize how hard Soonyoung was working to keep it up.

Minghao's charade, though, failed when he missed a step and almost fell over and face planted, if Soonyoung hadn't caught him.

“I’m fine. We can keep going,” Minghao said, straightening himself up and acting like nothing was happening.

“Hey, what did Soonyoung say before?” Jeonghan told him gently as he walked over. Minghao was shaking, just a bit, he could feel it through the gentle touch he had on his arm. “I know you just want to get back to yourself as soon as possible, but you need time. You’ve been through a lot.”

Jeonghan could imagine every awful thought in his head. He was afraid he would never get back to himself again. That he would forget how to dance if he waited too long. That he would never catch up with the others. Jeonghan had felt that same way when his vertigo had gotten so bad that he had to take a hiatus, he knew what the thoughts looked like, how they must have sounded in his head.

“We’ll take small steps for now. You don’t need to learn an entirely new choreography, why don’t we start with something you already know?”

Minghao's expression told him pretty clearly that he thought that was pointless. He shrugged, looking more like he wanted to leave than do anything more.

"You could show Jeonghan how to do  _ My I. _ " Soonyoung smiled. “That’s really fun. And you’ve pretty much got that memorized by now, it’d be easier on you.”

" _ Me? _ " Jeonghan blinked.

"I know it already. You've never tried,” Soonyoung told Jeonghan.

Minghao shrugged again, but there was something on his face that almost looked like a smile. "That'd be fun," he agreed.

So that was what they did. Soonyoung had to do some digging in the closet to find the rope that Minghao and Junhui always used, but he found it, and seemed really excited about the idea. Jeonghan wasn’t too thrilled, he considered Soonyoung and Minghao to both be leagues better than him at dancing and he wasn’t sure he could even really pull off a choreography like  _ My I,  _ but he was more than willing to try if it would make either of them happy.

Minghao was trying, he really was. Jeonghan could see that every part of his body was working overtime to keep himself up, in good form. The stress growing on his features was obvious now, and Jeonghan almost wanted to tell him to stop, but he needed to know when enough was enough, too.

Jeonghan felt awful for him. This was something he loved to do more than anything, even if they were just messing around in the practice room, and he just physically couldn't handle it. He needed time to build up his strength and stamina again, but Minghao always had the hardest time doing that in general. This wasn't going to be easy for him at all.

He'd known that, but it was harder to see it with his own eyes than just thinking about it.

Minghao's form fell apart all of a sudden, and Jeonghan was worried he would pass out for a moment, but he managed to keep himself up. He looked exhausted, Jeonghan wasn't going to let him continue like this. 

“My head hurts,” Minghao admitted quietly. Clearly, though, it wasn't just that. "I...I don't think I can do this."

“Okay. Then let’s go back home so you can rest," Jeonghan told him, reaching a hand out as an offer to help. He'd been keeping that sentence ready to say to him.

"No, it's - I can go back alone. You guys can keep practicing," he insisted, not taking Jeonghan’s hand, ready to head out at any moment. "I'm sorry."

Jeonghan could tell he was embarrassed, now. He didn't want them to stare at him, make a fuss about how he was feeling - Minghao hated that, even if it was just two of them. He'd rather deal with it on his own.

And that was his plan, he was already walking out the door when Jeonghan caught up to him and grabbed his arm. He wasn't going to let him do that.

“You’re rushing back into it too quickly. You need time. I’m sure you’ve heard that from all of us at least once,” Jeonghan told him, managing to get Minghao to stay in the doorway. The latter sighed and leaned against the door frame, but didn't look in Jeonghan's direction.

"We'll go with you, okay? Don't punish yourself," Soonyoung said quietly. "Please."

Jeonghan was surprised that Soonyoung had said anything to him at all. Soonyoung wasn't very confrontational in these kinds of situations.

Minghao just said  _ okay  _ under his breath, headed out the door and waited on the bench right outside the practice room.

Soonyoung didn't say anything as they straightened up the practice room and got their things together. Jeonghan didn't either - neither of them wanted to talk about Minghao with him sitting right out there, it didn't feel fair.

So they left silently too, locking the doors to the practice room and heading out with Minghao.

"Should we get some food on the way home?" Jeonghan asked Minghao, innocently. They couldn't really eat out anywhere with Minghao, but he figured it wouldn't hurt to pick something up.

"I'm not hungry," Minghao snapped back at him, gently, if that was even possible.

Jeonghan was taken aback by his defensiveness, but he wasn't too surprised. Minghao had lost a pretty significant amount of weight from being in the hospital - they had to have him on a feeding tube for a few weeks because he wouldn't eat. Jeonghan didn't know if it was because it made him feel sick, if it hurt, if he just didn't have an appetite or if it was tied to the trauma of what happened to him, like the water situation. Minghao deflected every time Jeonghan tried to ask, and he honestly hadn't thought about it before asking him just then.

He knew continuing the conversation was only going to shut Minghao off even more, but he had to ask. He was concerned for him.

"Have you eaten today?"

Minghao didn't say anything. That was answer enough for Jeonghan.

Soonyoung was looking at him, like he was silently asking him to leave Minghao be. Jeonghan understood his concern, Soonyoung didn't want to make Minghao any more upset than he already was. 

"You should know more than anyone not to skip meals," Jeonghan frowned, deciding he had to continue anyway. It hurt him a lot more than Minghao could realize - all of this hurt him greatly, and knowing he wasn't taking care of himself just made it worse. "I'm not going to hound you about your weight, but I'm worried. And you need the energy."

"He's right, Hao," Soonyoung agreed quietly. Jeonghan wasn't expecting him to join in, but he was glad he did.

"I'm trying," Minghao said quietly. "I swear I'm trying."

They were quiet again for the rest of the walk back. Jeonghan watched Minghao once they were in the elevator to get to their floor. His eyes weren't focused at all. Jeonghan wondered what he was thinking about that would make his eyes look like that, but he didn't ask. He had pestered him enough for now, he was already feeling guilty about it.

"I’m gonna be in my room for a while," Minghao said quietly when he made eye contact with Jeonghan again, which he still broke quickly after making.

Jeonghan nodded. "Okay, that's okay," he said. "Can I bring you something to eat? Soup, maybe?" he asked him, eyebrows raised, hoping Minghao would at least agree to something.

"Soup's okay," he shrugged.

"Okay. Text me if you need anything, I'll knock when it's ready."

Minghao nodded, and disappeared into his room.

Jeonghan got what he needed together to make food for Minghao, albeit slowly, his mind being so distracted. He wondered if he made the right choice, hounding him like that. He didn’t want Minghao to be upset with him, but he didn’t want him to neglect his personal care, either. It was just so much more worrying than with anyone else, because he  _ knew  _ how much Minghao valued that for himself.

Jeonghan knew he had to be careful after what happened last time, but it was so hard. He didn’t quite know what to do anymore, how to help. He just had to make it up as he went and hope he wasn’t hurting Minghao in the process.

Soonyoung hadn’t left, Jeonghan didn’t expect him to. Soonyoung hated being alone. He seemed so sad, after all of that, but he hadn’t said a word since they arrived back home. He had his arms crossed over his chest, leaned on the counter, his eyes pointed at the wall. He was concentrating really hard on something but Jeonghan couldn't tell what.

“What’s wrong, Soonie?” Jeonghan asked him. Soonyoung probably wouldn’t have said anything otherwise. He had been very careful about talking to his hyungs recently, even just asking them questions. He didn’t want to be an additional bother with everything going on. Jeonghan just knew, he’d known Soonyoung for that long.

“Do you think he’s mad at us?” Soonyoung asked very quietly.

Jeonghan frowned, gently stirring what he had in the pot on the stove. "I don't know with him, sometimes. I hope not," he said. "I think he's just overwhelmed. He seems mad at himself more than anything else."

Soonyoung didn’t say anything in response. Jeonghan turned around briefly to grab the salt, and caught a glimpse of something on Soonyoung's cheek.

Tears.

"Soonyoung..." Jeonghan murmured, pulling him into a hug. Soonyoung almost immediately hugged him back, very tightly, sniffling.

“I know you said it’ll work itself out, but what if it doesn’t? What if he hates us?” Soonyoung asked him, his voice still very quiet, as if he was worried Minghao would somehow hear him. “What if he’s too scared to perform again?”

Soonyoung was a very paranoid person, Jeonghan realized he had been neglecting him quite a bit since everything happened. He wasn’t like Seungkwan or Seokmin, where if something was wrong, they would seek out help. Soonyoung always felt the need to keep his thoughts to himself, especially if everyone else was already sad. And it always led to thoughts like this.

Usually though, it was just that. Paranoia. This time, his worries didn’t seem so farfetched. And Jeonghan didn’t have any words of comfort for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys enjoyed! itll pick up again soon. this fic just keeps getting longer and longer LOL I was like what...17 chapters???? HAHA
> 
> I also apologize for any mistakes or pacing issues I just really wanted to finally have this chapter up!!!
> 
> happy holidays everyone, please stay safe!!!!! i love you all. and don't forget to stream home run hehe


End file.
